It's been awhile since I have blogged so I feel like I am a little overdue to give a update :) . Now that we are fresh into 2018 I have been doing a lot of reflecting on how 2017 was for me so I will start at the beginning. My 2017 started off amazing with ringing in the new year with some awesome people. Along with going on a anniversary vacation with my love, which was much needed. Going into the spring, my health had remained good but I started noticing some major changes in my body. Looking back, I think they were there since my surgery but I remained so busy and I would say obsessed on keeping busy that I did not really stop to notice these things that were all so different. When I did notice in the middle of last year, it became a sad trigger for me. There is no other way to explain it but a good friend once told me that I came out of the gate running after my surgery and she worried that I would hit a wall someday.... I think I hit that wall in 2017. I kept on keeping on because we had an awesome trip to Alaska planned in the summer with some good friends and that kept me motivated to not really crawl in that deep hole that I so was longing to do.
We went on that once in a lifetime, unbelievable trip and then when we came back, I most definitely fell into a sad place. I noticed every thing with my body, even if it was nothing or just part of the new me, I started losing sleep....lots of sleep. When you lose sleep, you lose motivation. When you lose motivation you struggle with so many parts of your daily life. This was hard because then I felt like something was wrong with me. I was upset because I didn't feel good. Then I got mad that I had to go through this, and why couldn't I just be back to the way I was right after my surgery.
I can say I wasn't talking to a lot of friends/family. Relationships seemed to be changing. If I called, or asked to do something that was when we talked. I learned that I have to put the effort out or we just would not talk or see each other. That sometimes is hard not to take personal but I do just push it aside because everyone is busy with their own lives and their own problems. I just end up shutting down, cold silence....
I feel like in 2017 I was down more than I was up... and really pissed off about it. Instead of blowing off things instead I would get mad and angry. I started exiting myself away from those things that I felt weren't good or true to me. I also stepped away from a lot of the social media because I thought the negativity was not helping me snap out of my funk and the negativity seemed to be everywhere. That really creeped people out though. You wouldn't believe how many people were asking why would I do that? To be honest it was what I needed at the time, for my mind.
In 2017 I had to increase my hours.... almost by double. This had to happen because our medical insurance increased.... by double :( To be able to still go to my doctor out of state I had to find a plan that allowed that to happen. This opens up the door to a premium, deductible and per occurrence charges that equal a good years salary..... Working more isn't really a choice at this time but it did take a lot of time away from being able to do the things I loved. What choice do I have, you do what you have to do though....
I never knew that I could get so low when I got diagnosed, to being so high after my surgery, to crash down again. I never knew that someone with cancer could suffer from PTSD. I never thought that some of the relationships that I had would be affected so much by Cancer. I really thought that some would learn from what I went through, but that only changed for a short amount of time.
Moving in to 2018 it is the utmost importance that I get my head out of my ass and start living again! I do just fine when I am busy but give me some down time, my mind races non stop. I can't just sit back and wait for invites or things to do, I am going to just grab the fam and go!! As for my physical health... this has been affected to in 2017 which I believe has so much to do with noticing all the bad things. I need to stay healthy, it is not an option!!
In 2018 the poor me card is not allowed inside anymore. I understand what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is but I don't want it in my life, so I must seek to have it eliminated... STAT!!! 2018 will be better!!!! I will keep you updated. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
