A much needed break :)

We just got back from a much needed vacation with my husband.  This trip was unbelievable in so many ways!  We decided for our 15 year wedding anniversary we would go away and forget about it all.  I know it sounds crazy being parents, business owners, workers and volunteers to be able to escape reality but we did.  My father actually prohibited us from calling and checking on the kids because he said that if anything happened he would get ahold of us :) I love that he did that because not only did he get great quality time with my boys but I really did not worry for a second.  I got lost in the peacefulness of this trip, almost dreaming as if I could do this everyday.  I remember a time where the worries of life were so small.  I never thought about the future much when I was younger, so I never really embraced the moments in the present.  This trip among many others that we have gone in the last couple of years are all about relishing those moments.  We said many times how we wish everyone could feel the way we did at that single second.  To have that alone time as a couple, to have no worries, and to honestly escape even for the moment.

Of course the kids are my sole meaning in life but if I could just pick them up and go, leave it all, wow what a happy girl I would be.  My husband keeps me pretty grounded when it comes to  not just picking up and running, which I know is me talking crazy.  Trust me, I am all about living in the moment but at the end of the day my kids need me to feel security and not just foot loose and fancy free.  I grew up in a very unstable environment and I promised my adult self that I would never let my kids feel the ways I did as a child.  It would always drive me crazy when you would hear about someones childhood and then they grew into parents and did the same thing to their children!! Not me, that was my number one goal :)  If it was just my husband and I we probably would have moved a million times by now.  Not let anything tie us down to one place and just go with the flow.  However my children are the one thing that has kept me grounded. Even though some of my wild dreams may never come true in my lifetime, my kids are worth it and are the whole reason my world exist.  They are the reason I work so hard, the reason I fight so hard and the main reason I love so hard :)

It does sound cliche to say we find our own happiness but in all honesty we do.  For the last 2 years I have found more happiness than I have in my lifetime, and that is the honest truth.  I wish In the past I had embraced life the way I do now, that is my only regret.  I have always treated others the way that I would want them to treat me the only difference now is I don't have time for those that don't make time for me.  I do believe in making sure you surround yourself with good and happy people because happiness is contagious.  Also as we find happiness along the way it is important that it is not selfish happiness, there is more to my story than just myself.

Moving forward after the last 2 years I have decided to take a step away from my blog.  I am not a professional blogger and really it was just a way for me to clear my head.  I by no means am a writer and I actually laugh at my writing...or lack of writing skills.  Things with me have been a little boring lately, which I LOVE!!!  I don't want to write about my aches, pains, or depression that has come along with being diagnosed.  I like the good that has come out of this all, but at the same time I don't want to be shoving in peoples faces either.  I am going to leave this with a final plea :) . Please do whatever you can to be happy, but not at others expenses.  Make every second count and never take life for granted.  You know who the important people are in your life so tell them often.  Don't do anything you will regret and always dance like no one is watching because if they love you it does not matter what you do!  To all my cancer friends/fighters I have met along the way, keep fighting and NEVER give up!!! I pray for you all often and am so happy we have crossed paths in one way or another.  Love to all and if anything exciting happens I will blog again but until then live your life to the fullest XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!

2 years Cancer free and counting

Wow, 2 years!!!!  WTH, it seems like yesterday and my memories are still so clear.  Why is it when something so traumatic happens you have those dates/times etched in your mind.  I can remember every detail with every second.  2 years today at almost this exact time, the skilled surgeon was digging around my belly and extracting everything that cancer had effected.   2 years ago today I marched into that pre-operation room like a Boss and at that moment I felt like I could beat anyone's ASS.  2 years ago today the absolute only thing I wanted to do was see my children again:(  2 years ago today I battled the absolute hardest thing ever in my life.  2 years ago today I woke up to see my husband smiling down at me with those magical words that I wanted to hear, "He Got it all :)"

Today is a mixed of emotions for me. I should be doing cart wheels around the house and partying like an animal.  I decided that each milestone I reached after I was diagnosed would be a celebration but then life goes on.... We don't really celebrate the way I had in my head.  One reason is I don't expect anyone to remember this day the way I do so I don't really want to make a big deal out of it.  Also after 2 years I don't remember all the good, the sad parts of this all are still there and doesn't really put me in a celebratory mood.  I wonder when I hit the 5 year mark if I will be more at ease with the fear of a recurrence?? Only time will tell :)

I would be lying if I said that everything has been rainbows and sunshine for the last 2 years.  It has been an up and down roller coaster for me and I have said in the past that I am still working very hard to figure this all out.  Sometimes I don't even believe that I went through what I did and am doing as well as I am today.  Then other times my mind gets foggy and takes me back to this whole experience with a overwhelming sadness that I had to go through it but hell it also makes me so pissed that anyone has to go through Cancer!  

I have lived more the last 2 years that I probably have in most of my life.  I have done things that I always wanted to do.  I have let a lot of shit go that has been trailing around my adult life for some time now.  I have learned to not force relationships with anyone, family, or friends.  I am me and if you love me you love me but if you don't I am ok with that also :) . I do tell the ones I love often how much they mean to me :) . I take better care of myself then ever!!  Most of all I do try to live my life to the absolute fullest and I do know that nothing is guaranteed in life but we need to just keep on making every second count while we are here!!!!!

Lucky 2017

Another year has come and gone. I can't believe 2016 is behind us already.  Was it just me or did that go by so fast!!  So many exciting things happened in 2016 and there are only pieces of it that I would have done with out which I think is pretty remarkable considering the year before :)

However It's hard for me to write that actually.  To talk about going into a new year is kinda weird for me because I really did not know where I would be.  When I heard I had Stage 4 cancer I had set goals of what I wanted to accomplish and one of them was to make it to 2017 because after all it was Stage 4 cancer and odds were against me.....  I wonder why I was so bent on making it to 2017, why not 2040??? but for some reason 2017 was what was stuck in my head.  I wanted to see my daughter graduate college.  I wanted to celebrate my 15 year wedding anniversary.  I wanted to see that turning point where my little boys were turning into young men.  I wanted to get some stuff around my house situated.  I wanted to get some affairs in order.  I wanted to do some things that I had only dreamed of doing.  I could go on and on but those are the ones that were most important.

2016 started a little scary for me because we were trying to find out if my cancer reoccurred.  That was wiped away shortly after the first of the year started with reassurance that I had No Evidence of Disease.Yay!! Yay!! and Yay!!!

Here are my highlights of 2016 :) which may or may not include TMI ;)

1) Some awesome trips, record breaking times, may or may not to much alcohol consumed and the rest my credit card will tell you all about it :)

2) I feel like I finally got some relief when it came to my belly/booty!  I feel a little more control over what I can eat/digest since my surgery and then of course the most important part.... I am almost a regular pooper ;)  HUGE, HUGE deal in my eyes!!

3) Quality time with the ones I love and the ones that love me.  It's so nice to have such amazing people in my life. This is priceless!!!

There were some things that I could have skipped in 2016 though.  One was I had to figure out to deal with my emotions of what happened to me the year before up to the present day.  From what I have been told, I did not do very good with completely acknowledging what I had gone through, physically and emotionally.  I hit a bottom right before my last appointment, a very ugly bottom.  Comes to find out that PTSD is completely normal with any type of traumatic event in our lives.  Once I was able to realize that it was ok to feel this way, I was able to control my emotions much better.  I wish this was as easy as I thought it would be but it is a challenge that I am working through.  The real test will be my next appointment in May but I think the first step is admitting the problem right ? ;)

So now going into 2017, the year that seemed so far away when I got diagnosed.  This is going to be a EPIC year!  I get to spend my 15 year wedding anniversary with my soul mate <3 I hope that everyone in their lifetime gets to experience this kind of love at least one time:)  I will get to see my daughter graduate from College, she amazes me all the time.  My boys are surprising me everyday with their sweet hearts and soft ways. The young men they are growing into sure makes mamma proud <3  We are also going on a friend cruise with some of my dearest friends and their families to Alaska, (pray for the employees on the ship) !!! Tons more quality time, memories to make and living life to the fullest. I will continue to treat everyone the way that I want to be treated. I now realize I cannot change people that don't want to change themselves, that just took how many years ;)  I refuse to invest in those that do not want to do the same with me or my family.  Most importantly I plan on keeping NED around this year.  This is by far most important because I am loving my life and don't have time for anything toxic!! Bring on 2017.