Shaking off the FUNKS

The last month or so has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.  I have realized I have sunk down into a sadness that has been very hard to fight my way out of.  Throw in some ups and downs with physically feeling not so well, that is just the cherry on top.  I find myself being more sad than happy lately and that really just ends up pissing me off.  I pull myself away from everyone once again because of this, and tend to want to be alone and hide. I climb my way out for some time but I am definitely in a funk more than not.  I was told from the beginning that it is completely normal to have some depression when it comes to getting sick, it is just I did not have much of that until now.  Why now, going on 2 years since I was diagnosed?  I cannot wrap my head around it, but it sure is sucking!

So now the question is, am I not physically feeling good because I am sad?  The aches, pains, tiredness, and all the nausea could just be a form of me stressing out.  Or is it more..... That is the absolute worse f#)*#$# thing about cancer.  Every little step has got me questioning what is wrong.  I have talked about the good that has come out of being diagnosed when it comes to living every second to the fullest, but there is the worrying about my health that is the absolute worse.  I know some people understand but if you have not had anything life altering like this happen, it is damn near impossible to explain.  I am jealous of those that seem to have found the absolute perfect formula to keep their shit together lol!  I really thought I had that formula also but I am failing big time :(

I know there are many people that suffer the same ups and downs and every ones situation is completely their own story.  I make a lot of excuses of why I feel this way but at the same time I do not talk to many people about it at all because I think it shows signs of weakness. I don't want to sound down and out because that means I am not doing what I promised myself and others that I would do... dwell on the uncontrollable things :(  

I was told that I needed to write about it because that is one thing I have not been doing at all lately.  I put writing this off for weeks even though I just knew I had to.  I am coming off a family filled weekend that has put things in perspective for me yet one more time.  Not only did I get to see my family and we do not get those opportunities nearly as much as we should but I also had no time to analyze how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way.  Wouldn't you know that smack middle of my dear grandfathers speech, I lost it. Yep, I am a wedding crier in general but it all came out listening to my 86 year old grandpa talk to his granddaughter on her special day.  I then decided nothing is going to stop me once again, that exact moment!  If I don't feel good, I just don't feel good.. I am not going to let it control me.  If I am sad or upset about something, that is ok!  Most of all if I am funky, I can be freaking funky, it is OK!

The rest of the night, I danced like no one was watching, sometimes even by myself lol!  My husband, who just does not dance... also danced away the night.  We celebrated with our family at my beautiful cousins wedding and nothing else mattered.  These moments are what will keep me going, I promise :)