When did I become so indecisive????

In the last month or so I have decided I don't like anything around our house the way it was.  I am sick of the colors, the decor but basically just the whole space.  I think after 14 years of basically the same around our house, I am searching for something completely opposite.  However, this is where my problem starts!  I use to be that person, "The Person" with everything that had to be planned, detailed and penciled in.  I knew exactly what I wanted always, if that makes sense :)  I thought my sense of style and direction was perfect for us.  Now fast forward to today and I have just this week realized that I am not that person anymore.  I can't make up my mind for the life of me!  I don't know what we should have for dinner.  I can't decide what we will do for the day.  Don't ask me the plans, because I don't know... or I will forget.  I will always put maybe by the invitation because I just can't decide for sure or maybe I just don't want to spend anytime, at that moment because I have time later to decide.  Now back to the house.... Can't someone just come in and tell me what flooring we should pick out, or what colors we should go with?  I am seriously at that point because I just don't know :(

I want to say though I have somehow through all this become somewhat of a ditz. I am not at all stressed about these lack of decision moments.  I simply just don't seem to give a shit, is that bad?   How do I go from being what I thought to be, put together with plans to simply not even knowing from one moment to the next what is going to happen.  Then to not even really care and to just throw it up into the air with no plans at all is just mind blowing compared to my life just short of 2 years ago.  

The one thing I have been doing is thinking about why I have changed in this way.  I am not saying it is bad at all, and actually I am happy that I loosened up a bit :)  I do think that it is hard to plan anything when you are diagnosed with cancer.  When you don't know what is going to happen from one moment to the next, it is hard to make plans period.  I have wrote about this before and I will continue to say that it is easier said then done on the worrying scale.  Part of me wants to and has jumped all in, saying how I feel, doing what I would have never done, spending money like there is no tomorrow and living life for every second.  I have to say that is completely opposite of the "me" before cancer:) The other part of me still has that little terrifying voice that says, should you be doing this, maybe it is not a good idea to make such irrational decisions, don't cause waves by speaking your mind and definitely don't make plans so far in advance because......you just never know.

I do want to cherish these moments of no plans and just going with the flow but I also think I need to pull it together for some things.  I shouldn't have to ask my good friends to remind me of upcoming events for school, that is just pathetic :)  I don't want to live with any regrets but I must remember that some things will never change so why do I feel like I need to tell everyone how I really feel.  The house situation I need to just go with my gut, don't second guess the decisions and just do them!  Although, I do think I could use some help on those decisions ;)   The only dates that stick in my head always, are doctor related dates... those are the ones I don't want to remember! Just maybe I will start putting other things on my calendar so I am penciled in for other events besides the stinky ones, this may just help:)  I will let you know how or if this works for me in the future:)  For today though, I am going to make decisions on a few things I have been putting off.  I need to live the in a way that I speak by simply living for the moment and not putting things off for tomorrow!!! Wish me luck :)