Today is one of those days that someone once told me I would have from time to time. It all started with a full day yesterday at a bridal shower for my cousin and then the day led into a full day with my daughter which is always refreshing. Coming home last night, on the long drive home by myself with the radio off, my mind went to what I loved about the summer but then what I also despised. You all know what happens when you start thinking about "stuff" before you go to bed? Dreams, and sometimes just crazy ass dreams! My dream consisted of a list that I was making, literally a piece of paper and pen list that I was making of what I was grateful for but then what I was sad about. Some examples of my list would be, how I am so sad that my kids did or do not get to see their family more than they do but I am so grateful that they do not notice it or are bothered by it "YET" like I am. Something in my dream last night that was crazy was how I want to move, like far away move and start fresh somewhere new, sell everything and start over.... Then of course I went straight to something stressful in my dream.... Health Insurance.. SMH! I was thinking about everything that I was going to have to do to try to get covered because no company would cover me anymore with my pre-existing history.
So when I woke up today and started reflecting, I can literally pin point why I was thinking about it all while I slept. The family thing has been on my mind much more now since cancer then ever. I am sad that there is not more effort being put in by family when all this time could be gone before any of us know it. Although I am sad and sometimes just disappointed becasuse I was hoping my situation would make them try harder :( I also am learning to not allow myself to waste time on those thoughts because that is something I cannot change. Now let's go into moving :) I have told my husband for the last year that we should move and the funny thing is I just realized why I keep talking about it! As crazy as it sounds, I am trying to run/escape from the last year+, as if I could move somewhere and it would just all go away lol! That is the crazy in my head for sure ;) The insurance is on my mind and as much as my husband tells me we will figure it out I gotta say I am scared. I am so pissed at myself for even thinking about it because it literally is what it is and I cannot do anything at all to fix it! We are losing our insurance at the end of this year and our state is only offering HMO plans moving forward for us.... Fast forward, my doctor is in Baltimore so nothing will be covered for me unless a insurance angel comes and saves us from this Health care black hole. I hate even including this all in my thoughts or dreams because I know that there are so many out there in much worse insurance shape as ourselves but I gotta say this whole Insurance situation for everyone has me on fire!
Lots of tears started my day with this all being fresh in my mind. With all of this being said I am now sitting here counting my blessings for so many other things! I am so grateful for all those that I love that make me and my kids feel it on a daily basis :) Our family circle is not all blood relatives but family none the less. Also, how lucky are we that we can escape reality by traveling! My husband said we are making up now on traveling for all those years that we would hardly leave our house :) The insurance we will figure it out and like I said before I basically live one day at a time and that day is not here yet so we will just think about it later as it comes:)
Days like these are completely normal and I just have to fight them off from time to time. The most important thing that I have to tell myself is every second I spend on sad thoughts is time I could be spending on living life to the fullest :)
