In just days I will be flying to Baltimore again for my next scan. Slowly over the last couple of weeks my scanxiety has started to walk closer and closer to the cliff edge. My dreams/nightmares have started and almost daily I have a brand new one. There is so many things that I need to do and plan for this summer but I just cannot bring myself to do any of them until I get back from this appointment. I tell myself over and over, that I cannot do that but I just can't grab ahold of anything until this scan is over.
I was telling one of my really close friends the other day about one of my crazy dreams. I told her that in this dream I recruited all my closest friends and made them swear they would pick my husbands next wife and step-mom to my children. The weird thing was the way each friend reacted was exactly the way I would have expected them to react, one saying "Hell yes" I will take care of it, the other crying uncontrollably and then one actually telling me that he didn't need to remarry and she would stop any of that lol! So after I told my friend about this dream, not only did I sound like a psycho but I wondered where the hell was this all coming from. Easy answer, It all goes back to my scanxiety for this damn scan!!!!
She told me that I can't tear myself up like this every time before my appointment and although she was right I told her it is really hard to even explain what goes through my head closer to the time.
I gotta tell you that I do really good up to a couple of weeks before but then the gates of craziness open in my head and with no turn off button.
How can I even explain these feelings to someone that has not been in my shoes? I guess running through a mine field comes to mind. I have used the example of a verdict, you are waiting for your life's verdict. It is like making an appointment and finding out if you have more time to live without cancer. Everything you do present or future relies on what happens during your scan. I go to bed with it on my mind and wake up with the same thoughts. It is the scariest feeling I have ever had in my whole life and I don't think there is any way to get around it.
I am sure there are other warriors out there that have figured it all out, or found a way to not waste time on worrying before their scans but I am just not that good...... as of yet. I know how I feel but words are just not adequate enough to explain it. There are people in my life that I know have the same anxiety over my scans but maybe not the same way. Then there are others that just don't even talk about it, so I don't know if that is their way of dealing with it or maybe it just does not affect them in any way because it is not their own battle?
I had a wonderful night with some of the greatest friends and last night I actually didn't have any bad dreams. Now if I could only do that every night for the next 5 nights, just to get me through this week that would be great!! I don't want anyone to think this is a sign of weakness or that I don't have a positive attitude because that is not the case! I am strong and very positive, but unfortunately these appointments are my Kryptonite.
I know that no matter what happens that I am in the best medical hands and I also know that in life we have no control over these things. In some ways I consider myself lucky that I have a chance to go for scans to make sure that we do catch anything. So many people don't get those chances in life because it is so unpredictable. Until then, as always I do believe in the power of prayer and if you all could include me in your prayers for a positive outcome this Friday, that is all I will ask of you:)
