Maybe if I don't think or talk about it....it will just go away?

I am a  little superstitious, I actually got it from my grandma growing up.   These little superstitions have carried into my adult life and in  some ways I use them now more since cancer entered my life.  FYI I have to start saying cancer more because my husband says that I always use "diagnosis" instead, and I think I do this to cover up that nasty word.  Anyways, one of the things I did was I told myself that I did not want to watch anything on TV or movies that had anything to do with cancer.... do you know how hard that is!  This is not working out so good for me because as much as I try to not see these things, it is every where.  We watched "Creed" last night and I cried through the whole damn movie!!  After the movie I could have kicked myself because then I go to bed and what do you think keeps me up all night?? Yep, Rocky Balboa losing Adrian and then getting cancer himself..... Crazy I know but I speak only the truth.

Back to my superstitions, I really somehow have it in the back of my mind if I keep telling myself I'm good and not talk or think about it, then I won't jinx myself to it coming back.  I don't know if you will understand this if you have not had cancer but I wonder if other people with cancer do anything remotely close to this.  It is easy most the time because everyone is living their lives and since I am doing good, it is not discussed.  When I do talk about it to say someone I haven't seen in a while, I just laugh it off and talk try to lighten up the conversation.   Otherwise, like I said before I stay so busy that I don't give myself much down time to think about it.  I don't know if this is a cover up from reality or if it is just my new normal of living life to the fullest? 

I have had so many other cancer warriors reach out to me over Instagram, who would have thought!  I had no idea how different social media could be especially the difference between IG and Facebook.  It is totally two different communities.  I have met so many wonderful people from all over the world on IG either by them finding me, maybe through a hashtag or me finding them.  In one way or another we all have been effected by cancer, some still fighting or some just learning how to live again.  For some reason I feel on IG I am more raw and vulnerable to my feelings because my followers understand so I don't hide anything.  We don't all have the same cancer, actually like always no one really has ever heard of mine but I can say the same for some of their types of cancer.  The reason why I do like IG so much is because I feel like I am not as terrified to talk about cancer as I am in every other part of my life.  It is very surreal feeling for me because it is like having two separate worlds.  There is my IG world where I meet so many people, am not afraid to reach out or talk to complete strangers, and most of all not afraid to talk about how I am feeling.  Then there is every other aspect of my life that if I don't talk about it and in some ways just ignore how I am feeling physically and mentally maybe it will all just be a dream... a part of my past :)

I have been analyzing this all because that is what I do :)  I need to blend both of these sides together.  I cannot be afraid of my reality, if you think about it I am only just a year out so it is still fairly new.  I don't want to go around and make cancer the topic of all my conversations either but reality is that it is there and I cannot just push under a rug or ignore.  Also, I did nothing to jinx myself to get cancer in the first place,  cancer does not discriminate and like I said before there is nothing anyone can do to stop it from happening..... this is my opinion only :)  I also think that as much as I have enjoyed meeting so many people on Instagram, I could totally do that in my everyday life.  I cannot hide behind this because, HELLO it is in front of my face.  I don't want to think about it every day but what has happened to me is not just going away.... So it is better that I put my big girl pants on take on this new reality.  I have no control of what the future holds for me but I do know that this is a part of me now and it has nothing to do with being superstitious :)