The "C" word hurts now more everytime I hear it.

I was having a deep conversation with my Husband this weekend about everything that was going on in my head when I then told him how hard it is for me to even hear of someone else that has been diagnosed with Cancer, let alone someone that has been taken by this ugly disease.  I had to get this off my chest after following Joey & Rory's story for the last year.  She had fought so hard, holding on to miracles but then lost her fight this weekend.   It's hard to really explain because I know that I always had empathy for those affected by cancer in the past but it just feels different now.   I feel as though I always did my part by donating often and showing as much support as we could but the difference is that I did not have anyone close to me that was ever diagnosed with cancer.  Call me lucky but no one in my immediate family had to deal with cancer before.... until me :(  I am glad it was me though and not any of my loved ones, however leave it to me to get the off the wall ones that no one has heard of!  One of the things I noticed is how many people had a story of cancer with themselves or a loved one but I never heard anything about it until I was diagnosed.  Was I just blind to how many people this affected or was it just because it was not that close to home...... I mean it was always so heartbreaking to hear about, especially those that had to suffer but I took the news different before.  

I can remember my husband getting the call that his brother was diagnosed with cancer just months after my big cancer surgery.  That hit me in the gut, HARD... I have pretty much watched his brother grow up and I just never thought this would be part of his life story.  I could not stop crying, I mean ugly crying that my husband could not even get me to calm down.  How does this happen so close to my diagnosis, it's like lighting striking twice in the same place!   How does he find out he has cancer immediately following the news that he was going to be a father for the first time?  Of course then the "Why" questions started, even though I do hate asking the question "Why" because nothing good can ever come out of those.  There is a different understanding between us now though, he understands the anxiety issues or even gets the hyper sensitivity to getting sick because he now has to live the same way as I do.  Even though we both had different types of cancers with different types of treatments we both went into beast mode to kick some serious butt and his last scan shows no cancer and he finished his treatment just in time for his first baby boy's birth:)  

I joined a few support groups for my cancer because I thought it would help me after I got diagnosed. The only problem is I really had a hard time when someone with my cancer was not well, or when someone passed on.  I could not stay part of the group, how bad is that!  My cancer is so rare that to find a support group in the first place was very exciting and then I could not even handle it was just so pathetic.  Opting out was my way of putting my blinders on to the stories that come along with a cancer diagnosis, like it was going to go away or something.... I even spoke at a symposium for the surgeon that performed my surgery in hopes that would help me in some how deal with just absorbing the "C" word but it still has been such a struggle.  I have found a different avenue though to in some way be part of those that are affected by cancer, even though we all might have different diagnoses we do have something still in common.  

Now let me talk about the kids affected, these poor kids!  WTH and how does this even happen to these children that have not even gotten a chance to live their lives. I am just beside myself thinking about these kids going through these treatments that some adults cannot even handle because they are so hard!  I am going to pull out the fair card and say how the hell is it fair at all for a 2 year old to get terminal cancer!  I cannot even put into words how pissed off I get when I see yet another child with cancer.  While some are able to fight through their diagnosis there are others that do not even get the chance from the beginning.  If I didn't hate cancer enough, when it comes to these kids, I am at a complete lost for words.  Again there is no answers :(

It doesn't matter if it is someone I personally know or someone that that is a complete stranger,  it all hits me the same.  It affects me more than it had ever affected me before and just the simple "C" word brings on a whirlwind of emotions.  I cry, I get mad or I am just simply speechless.  I think of how they feel when they hear the word?  Do they have any idea what this journey will mean for them and their family?  Or even how this word is a complete life changer, a complete turn your life upside down, shake it all around ... changer!!! I feel like it is everywhere and so many people are affected by this in one way or another.  Since that is the case, everyone should be fighting for more research and cures to ALL types of cancers.  We have come a long way but there is so much more we can do.  I was naive to the statistics of cancer before, 1 out of every 3 people will have to deal with it in their lifetime... I get it now.  It's such a nasty word, but reality is that it is part of my life forever now.  It's just another part of my new normal, and it will never be the way it was before. It is going to continue to hurt, I just have to learn how to not cry every time I hear it :(