Be Kind, seems so simple.

Today a business acquaintance came in to my office and as he stood in front of me I saw something in his eyes that I don't think I had ever seen before.  This man is a tough man, a tell it like it is type of guy that I would say could be a real jerk if he really wanted to be.  Over the years, there was only one time in that I can say I knew something must have been bothering him outside of normal business stuff but today was a little different.  He came in today to ask me for help.  His mother took care of his books, payroll and anything financially related since he opened his business over 20 years ago.  Today he was trying to cut checks, invoice jobs and do sales tax because his mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  As he stood in front of me and explained her situation and how it has already spread too far for any real treatment, he couldn't look at me anymore.  This man didn't want me to see how upset he was.  I start to cry but then pull it together because I know he is trying very hard not to let it all go himself.  Of course I told him that I would help in any way I could and I know that his business has been tough the last year so when he told me he can't afford much I explained that I don't need anything.... that really was the farthest thing on my mind.  He is a small business owner with just a couple of employees so in all reality he is telling the absolute truth and right now, in that moment the last thing he needed to think about was how to pay me for a couple of hours here and there.  He turned to walk out and simply thanked me for listening to him.  All I did was listen, something so simple to do but to him this seem to make a difference in his day.

On the way home tonight this car behind me was going crazy, trying to pass everyone they could and scaring the crap out of me at times.  As he passed a row of cars, the car in front of me decided that he was going to chase this car down.... Complete road rage!  I couldn't help but think that someone was going to get hurt, or even shot by the time this is all over.  My mind started wondering off into, why was this car in such a hurry and how I always got a good laugh when we all end up at the stop light at the same time :)  It was then that  the original crazy driver pulled into the hospital and then the car chasing him started to pull in but then I guess realized what was going on and decided not to pursue the road rage?  Ok, this isn't the typical fast driver story, passing everyone just to get to the hospital but it did get me thinking how no one knew what was going on with this driver.  You just automatically assume they are being an ass or just irresponsible.   I always wonder why people are in such a hurry, nothing is worth risking your life over.  Or I think slow down, it is really not that serious but today was different, it gets you really thinking more about what people are actually going through.

Some people have a really easy time not letting anyone know what is going on in their lives.  Then the other side of that is the people that want to shout it from the roof tops and tell everyone what is going on and then some.  Today was just another reminder of why you can't judge a book by it's cover.  These types of situations happen all time, and they constantly remind me that things may not be what they seem.  We all have different battles on a daily basis that we are fighting. It is a part of life. This goes back to one of my posts where I said it is much easier to smile to someone than to not smile at all.  A smile can make someones day, It has made mine many times!  Same theory, being kind to someone, listening to them or simply smiling can make a world of difference.  It is so simple and easy in the grand scheme of things, don't you think?

I finally realized the number on the scale is not as important as my health :)

This is going to be a very vulnerable post for me because I am going to talk about things that in the past I would have never addressed simply because I was embarrassed of myself.   In my past, my personal self image was always a real challenge for me. I focused most my life on what the number read on the scale rather then what actually made me healthy.  I never spoke about this, mainly because I have a daughter and there is so much pressure socially on our young children.  I don't know how many people felt the same way as as I did but I always felt like I could be skinnier, my complexion could be better, my butt was too big, my boobs were to small, my teeth weren't straight, my hair was a frizzy mess and I just wanted to be like Kelly Ripa when she was on Dance Party USA :) Was that too much to ask?  ;)

I always felt like I was the sister that got jipped in the looks department.  My sisters are gorgeous, tall, skinny and just beautiful ladies and I would find myself getting really upset when people would say they look just alike... I can remember my mom would always give me the ugliest hair cuts growing up, I mean U G L Y!  Looking back in the pictures I would never have done that to my daughter just saying :(  I  was the daughter that followed directions, didn't have to worry much about and didn't complain much.... the "pay no mind" daughter.  We did not have a structured up bringing so a square meal with good food at our house never happened.  I remember going to my grandmas for all my schools breaks and she would feed me whatever I wanted.  Which ended up being all donuts, McDonald's, Dairy Queen, pop, and candy galore because I never got that at home.  So my weight definitely suffered on and off through all my teenage years.

In high school I would have one year where I would starve myself, by eating one meal a day.  Then the next year I would try to join in with all my friends and eat what they ate, chips, dips, ice cream, etc. in return my weight would blow up.  Then I would repeat it , one year skinny, next year chubby. I never exercised or did any activities because I worked all the time and went to school.  Not an excuse looking back but the truth.

I met my ex-husband in high school and I actually lived in my own apartment while I went to high school and worked full time.  I really gained a lot of weight my senior year, into the summer after graduating.  I remember gaining around 45 pounds in 6 months and my thighs were covered with bright red stretch marks to show just how fast I was growing.  My ex did not seem to be bothered at all about my weight so it did not bother me.... I thought.  I stayed that same weight until after we got married and had my daughter.  At that time I started to focus my life around my beautiful baby so I did not eat all that junk that I had in the past.  I started noticing that if I ate smaller portions that my weight came off.  Then a new confidence arose, so I started doing some physical activity.  I remember in one day I would only eat a yogurt, a pear, and some soup.  I did that for 6 months at least.  That same time my grandmother passed away and I stopped everything, eating, working out, I was very depressed.  That's the same time my first marriage ended so with all going on, my health was the last thing on my mind.

 I was still very thin, I weighed 124 lbs and I am 5'7, a few family members even told me that I was too thin and it didn't look good on me.  At that time I met my husband who almost immediately noticed my eating habits, or lack of and called me out on it.  He told me that I needed to eat more and he personally liked women to not be so skinny.... Well hell that was like heaven to me because I knew I was going to marry this guy immediately and he told me to eat!!! Winner :)

I stayed a healthy/ok weight through my sons being born, not at all skinny but I was comfortable in my own skin.  Until my sister told me that I had to wear a mermaid style dress to her wedding, dear lord she had no idea what that was going to do to me!!! I would try to go back on a quick fix diet and working out but hated every second of it.  I tried nutri system, weight watchers, Atkins, diet pills, you name it I tried it.  I would lose 20 lbs and then gain it all right back.  I hated, hated, and did I say hated working out!!! Not my thing at all and could not get into it.

Through the last couple of years I felt like my health was just blah to say the least.  I did no physical activity, I would consider myself lazy actually looking back.  I never thought I ate a lot but I think my portions were bigger than they should be and I had a sweet tooth so bad that I could skip a meal and go straight to the desert :(  I blamed this on my age, saying that being almost 40 sucked, and I must be going through women changes early.  My heaviest weight of my life 214lbs right before I found I had cancer..... Could you say I was a little bit in a funk :(

That is when I went in to have the out patient surgery and was diagnosed.  Through the stress of finding out I had cancer along with immediately eating less I lost 15 lbs.  When I found out what my treatment/surgery was going to be I knew that my health was going to play a pertinent role in my recovering so the juicing started and trying to do some physical activity to prepare.  It was like a light switch went on and I knew how important my body/health was and that was going to either help me or hurt me going through this all.

I pushed myself after my surgery to start immediately walking, and ended up doing laps on the hospital floor, 60 staples, drains and NG tube all in tow.  I joke and say I lost 20 lbs in the hospital but 17lbs were organs, but really when I came home I was down to 175lbs and keep in mind, this is 2 months from diagnosis. I kept doing laps around the house, and 10 minute trips on my treadmill.  The hospital did not give me many tips on my healing but I knew that Protein, and walking would help with my recovery and I kept losing weight but most of all feeling better.

It took a while for my eating to have some normalcy, I had so much removed that it messed with what I could eat and how much.  My servings were small so I ate something protein related every couple of hours.  Gradually increasing my walking and eating better, I noticeably started feeling better and after just 8 weeks I started going to a PT to increase my activity.  This was all so new to me because I actually enjoyed working out, walking and eating good.  I noticed how much better I felt even after the Mother of All Surgeries.  I was eating better, getting more nutrients such as vegetables, and protein which I had never done in my life.

I am now what I consider a healthy weight give or take 10lbs but don't we all :)  I do something physical 6 days a week, whether its walking a couple of miles to doing a circuit work out, I make sure I don't give that up because it feels soooo good!!.  I am still learning the best ways to eat since I am a new me but keeping those portions down has been a key.  I use to look at working out and eating less as a diet.  Now after being diagnosed with cancer, exercising has helped me fight off the depression and tiredness that comes along with the treatment.

I do feel better than I have in years and now completely get that we only get one body and we need to take care of it.  No longer am I feeling jipped, or worried so much about the small petty things like a smaller butt, that only took 42 years to figure out :)  My actual weight does not matter either,  I am more concerned with simply living the best I can moving forward.  I figured out that in all actuality everyone is so different, that size or shape has nothing to do with living a healthy life.  Also, fast results are not long term results.... Patience is key to any change in your life :) This is another "I wish I knew then what I know now" moments in life.  My new perspective on living has so much to do with living a healthier life, and I know that some things are out of my control but I do have control of how I choose to live moving forward :)

The "C" word hurts now more everytime I hear it.

I was having a deep conversation with my Husband this weekend about everything that was going on in my head when I then told him how hard it is for me to even hear of someone else that has been diagnosed with Cancer, let alone someone that has been taken by this ugly disease.  I had to get this off my chest after following Joey & Rory's story for the last year.  She had fought so hard, holding on to miracles but then lost her fight this weekend.   It's hard to really explain because I know that I always had empathy for those affected by cancer in the past but it just feels different now.   I feel as though I always did my part by donating often and showing as much support as we could but the difference is that I did not have anyone close to me that was ever diagnosed with cancer.  Call me lucky but no one in my immediate family had to deal with cancer before.... until me :(  I am glad it was me though and not any of my loved ones, however leave it to me to get the off the wall ones that no one has heard of!  One of the things I noticed is how many people had a story of cancer with themselves or a loved one but I never heard anything about it until I was diagnosed.  Was I just blind to how many people this affected or was it just because it was not that close to home...... I mean it was always so heartbreaking to hear about, especially those that had to suffer but I took the news different before.  

I can remember my husband getting the call that his brother was diagnosed with cancer just months after my big cancer surgery.  That hit me in the gut, HARD... I have pretty much watched his brother grow up and I just never thought this would be part of his life story.  I could not stop crying, I mean ugly crying that my husband could not even get me to calm down.  How does this happen so close to my diagnosis, it's like lighting striking twice in the same place!   How does he find out he has cancer immediately following the news that he was going to be a father for the first time?  Of course then the "Why" questions started, even though I do hate asking the question "Why" because nothing good can ever come out of those.  There is a different understanding between us now though, he understands the anxiety issues or even gets the hyper sensitivity to getting sick because he now has to live the same way as I do.  Even though we both had different types of cancers with different types of treatments we both went into beast mode to kick some serious butt and his last scan shows no cancer and he finished his treatment just in time for his first baby boy's birth:)  

I joined a few support groups for my cancer because I thought it would help me after I got diagnosed. The only problem is I really had a hard time when someone with my cancer was not well, or when someone passed on.  I could not stay part of the group, how bad is that!  My cancer is so rare that to find a support group in the first place was very exciting and then I could not even handle it was just so pathetic.  Opting out was my way of putting my blinders on to the stories that come along with a cancer diagnosis, like it was going to go away or something.... I even spoke at a symposium for the surgeon that performed my surgery in hopes that would help me in some how deal with just absorbing the "C" word but it still has been such a struggle.  I have found a different avenue though to in some way be part of those that are affected by cancer, even though we all might have different diagnoses we do have something still in common.  

Now let me talk about the kids affected, these poor kids!  WTH and how does this even happen to these children that have not even gotten a chance to live their lives. I am just beside myself thinking about these kids going through these treatments that some adults cannot even handle because they are so hard!  I am going to pull out the fair card and say how the hell is it fair at all for a 2 year old to get terminal cancer!  I cannot even put into words how pissed off I get when I see yet another child with cancer.  While some are able to fight through their diagnosis there are others that do not even get the chance from the beginning.  If I didn't hate cancer enough, when it comes to these kids, I am at a complete lost for words.  Again there is no answers :(

It doesn't matter if it is someone I personally know or someone that that is a complete stranger,  it all hits me the same.  It affects me more than it had ever affected me before and just the simple "C" word brings on a whirlwind of emotions.  I cry, I get mad or I am just simply speechless.  I think of how they feel when they hear the word?  Do they have any idea what this journey will mean for them and their family?  Or even how this word is a complete life changer, a complete turn your life upside down, shake it all around ... changer!!! I feel like it is everywhere and so many people are affected by this in one way or another.  Since that is the case, everyone should be fighting for more research and cures to ALL types of cancers.  We have come a long way but there is so much more we can do.  I was naive to the statistics of cancer before, 1 out of every 3 people will have to deal with it in their lifetime... I get it now.  It's such a nasty word, but reality is that it is part of my life forever now.  It's just another part of my new normal, and it will never be the way it was before. It is going to continue to hurt, I just have to learn how to not cry every time I hear it :(