Do you ever question yourself?

It seems so easy to question myself sometimes on how I handled things or even how I process my thoughts.  I was actually thinking of everything that I want to blog about and that list is a mile long.  Then all of the sudden I was questioning why I wanted to write about certain things, why did I feel certain ways and was I wrong for having these thoughts.  I vowed when I started writing my blog that I would write what ever was on my mind for my own therapeutic selfishness.  However today I was backing off all the voices in my head... So why am I questioning myself?  That is going totally against the promises that I made with myself so I am fighting off those thoughts with my blog today and I am going to just keep writing what is on my mind.

Last week I had a rough week.  There were a number of things that really were weighing me down, the anniversary to my surgery, my winter hibernation, and our current medical insurance fiasco just to name a few.  One of the things that really bothered me was how I felt like I was not being as involved in my children's education as I wanted to be.  There were a few things that happened that made me feel like a idiot for not noticing sooner.  I won't get into the actual details but my oldest son had some things going on at school that I had no idea the importance of but when I found out I felt terrible for not realizing.  He also had this one teacher that messed up on one of his grades (should have been an A but she had a B) and he had told me he was worried about her correcting it but I thought the teacher had time so I didn't push it, middle school has been a hard adjustment for me trying to not get involved....  I dropped the ball on that one because the report card showed the incorrect grade and now it's to late.  I could have handled that so different and now I'm kicking myself :(   Then my youngest had some things going on at school(not grade related) and I feel so naive to not have noticed the signs before.  His situation is a little different because it all comes down to his anxiety with my diagnosis which he has struggled with very bad but how did I miss not seeing how this was affecting him at school?

On the same note as my son, he is not the only one that has had a hard time emotionally gripping my diagnosis.  There a couple of ladies in my life that have told me in the last month or so how much they emotionally were effected by my cancer.  I didn't even know this was going on either :( They basically told me how they fell into depression while trying to be there for me and my needs.  I love them for this, and could never repay them for what they have done but I can't help but to feel the sadness that comes along with knowing that. I can't help but to feel responsible for them spending  time on worrying, however that is what love will make you do.  There does hold some truth to a loved one being diagnosed with cancer, you feel like you were diagnosed right with them :( I would do the same for them and that is what makes our relationships priceless.  Once again, how did I miss this?

Winter is hard for me being stuck inside.  I always feel like we see less of our friends and just all around less activity during the winter and it puts me into a type of winter depression.  Then you top it off with my year anniversary that has taken me on a trip to revisit that dark time after I got diagnosed just does not help at all.  I have an added anxiety about getting sick to the point that I am a crazy person, wiping down the carts, not touching doors, and whipping out the antibacterial every chance I get. Even though my chemo was a year ago, my immune system has not repaired itself and my levels are all out of whack, being spleen less adds to that craziness.  I think it's just a funky winter for me.

Even though I live a lot different than I did before my diagnosis, my new care free ways do not take away the questioning of myself.  Am I doing my job as a mother?  Am I being a good friend? What about trying to keep in touch with family... am I doing that enough?  Am I being a good listener?  I hope I am not being selfish... Am I being active enough? I hope my kids look up to me...  Am I taking care of myself the way I should?  The everyday cycle remains the same even though your life gets interrupted through different circumstances.  I do not really know why I put this pressure on myself with all these questions,   but I am only human and admit to my flaws at all times!  I do not think that what I have been through has made me question myself more, I think as a woman, and as a mother we tend to do this without even knowing.  Not perfection but to just be good :)

So my goal is to NOT question myself.  I can't do it all, even though I do try at times :)  I have learned more about myself in the last year and it literally only took me 40 years and cancer to do this!  I can't wait for the spring to come, because I do believe sunshine is a MUST in my life to keep away from those winter blues.  Until then I will just be creating my own Sunshine :)