Can you believe it has been a year?

2-2-15 I was operated on to remove my cancer. I was an emotional mess to say the least.  I played it off I thought pretty well but the underlined fear I cannot explain to anyone.  Anyone that has been told they have cancer, or let alone any other major health life threatening problems can understand that moment when you were given the news.  I still can remember like it was yesterday when my doctor called to tell me what my diagnosis was, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.  There was a little part of what he was saying was pure disbelief and I prayed for a miracle that it was not what he thought but in my mind I just knew.  We decided it wasn't going to affect us, we were going to live as normal as we ever did.... I wish it was so easy.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't stop crying, I started thinking about what I needed to accomplish in case I did not make it through.  I know, I know, how can I think negative, you are suppose to think POSITIVE all the time so that you can FIGHT.... I'm calling BS on that because anyone that is hit with a cancer diagnosis has those little thoughts of the "What ifs".

 I did get through those dark days and once I found my course of action/treatment I did climb out of my hole to get everything situated before my surgery.  During this time I did lose track of important days, birthdays, appointments, and school activities.  My mind was all over the place so mostly everyone completely understood and cut me some slack :)  As absent minded as I was about those things, I was to busy prepping my family, my house and myself for this surgery that scared the living crap out of me.  I cleaned my house top to bottom, drawers, closets and replenishing supplies along the way.  You would have thought I was not going to be home for a year, but in some way that helped me to know everything was set up.  I honestly had NO idea how long I would be gone.  The problem with my cancer is you do not know how bad it is until you are opened up in surgery.  So I had heard some patients recovered quick, in and out of hospital in 7-10 days with no problems  Then the other stories were horrific, in the hospital for months, complications every other day and recovery took a year.  It's hard to plan when there is the unknowing in front of you.   

As I visited my close friends and family up to my surgery day, looking back I wanted them to know I love them and am so happy to have them in my life.  I made sure I had lunch, dinner and just conversed with everyone that meant so much to me. I wish I had done that more before I actually got diagnosed instead of waiting.   The hardest was the kids by far.  When you don't know how things are going to end up and then you have to kiss your kids goodbye, there is nothing else I can say.   

2-2-15 I had major surgery and truck loads of heated chemo pushed in and out of my body all at one time.  I woke up from that surgery with my husband holding my hand, my beautiful daughter smiling at me and my father sitting by my side.  I looked down at my long incision, checked out all my different tubes, drains, yellow chemo caution stickers and wires.  All I could think is Thank-god I woke up and everyone is smiling so things must be ok. My husband confirmed that I was good by simply saying, "You are cancer free".   Imagine how I felt at that point :)

It has been a year today and it seems like yesterday.  So much has happened since then and continues to happen. I have had a great year in so many ways and blessed beyond belief.  I recovered great from my surgery actually better than I thought I would. I learned how to live with my new normals. I have enjoyed more time with my family and friends. I have smelled the roses, made lots of memories, and most of all lived with all I have.  One year ago today I was unsure on what my future held or if I would be here to talk about it.  Isn't life crazy sometimes :)