What does friendship mean to you?

This last week has me really thinking about friendships in general.  So many people I know have had some hard decisions to make this week when it comes to their personal friendships.  Whether it is questioning who their friends really are, or if they did something wrong to tarnish a friendship along the way.  It has made me really ponder about what it means to me to be friends with someone and what it means to me to have someone have me as their friend.  When I was younger I worried so much on who likes me and how many friends I had.....  It is drilled in our heads at a early age to be someone that people like and the more friends we have the happier we will be?  As an adult I knew that having quality friendships would outweigh all others and that is what I wanted in my life.  I have never been shy about showing my friends how much I love them or reminding them how lucky I am to have them in my life but since my diagnosis I have made sure they know this every chance I get.

I have been best friends to the same girl since I was 13!  We have not missed a beat in life and have honestly, in every sense, held each others hands through some of the best and worse times life has given us.  She has been in the delivery room when I was delivering my 9 pounder, and actually almost got kicked out because she couldn't stop crying :)  She held my hand as I had to go say till we meet again to my grandma who was my other best friend.  She was my maid of honor for both of my marriages.... She kept my crap together when I couldn't and I put her in line when I had to ;)  It doesn't matter that we have not lived within 4 hours of each other in over 20 years either. She is my Thelma!  What do they say now, ride or die friend lol!   When she found out about my diagnosis she became very depressed, she said we were suppose to out live our husbands together and give everyone hell along the way.  I know how lucky I am to have her and I would say she knows how lucky she is to have me too ;)

I have so many dear friends in my life that would do anything for me, and vice versa.  Some I have had forever, some I have met along the way and others that I feel like have been placed in my life for a reason.  There are those ones that would just call or text to ask me how I am doing even though they have a pile of life on their plates full as full could be.  The friends that would include me in their plans with some of their friends so that I could be included in their festivities:)  The friends that would make meals, come over with little goodies or just send some flowers to tell me they love me.  I also have so many that I would call a friend but maybe we don't see each other as often or speak to each other that often but when we do it is like no time has passed at all.  I have met some really great friends in just the pass couple of years that I know will be around for a lifetime and those are just as special as some of my oldest friendships:) I feel like true friendships are just like family to me :)

This week there have been some different situations that I have seen made me stop and think what exactly friendship is all about.  Believe me NO one is perfect and I have been guilty of some of these things in my past but we learn as we go. This is just my opinion so do with it what you want lol!  Do not wait until someone is gone to express how you feel about them.  If you have the opportunity in the present make sure they know because paying someone respect once they are gone does not matter much if you could have made amends in the present :(  That's why I sound like a broken record when I say tomorrow is never promised....  If someone you considered to be a good friend has done something that has hurt you, please talk to them about it.  Nothing good comes out of just shutting them out of your life or not at least giving them the opportunity to explain their actions.  Remember that this is someone you considered a good friend forever, do not waste any time on ill feelings without at least telling them how you feel.   Also, friends/family should be good listeners. Listening means just that, if someone confides in you, do not tell anyone those things.  It is between you and them!  Please do not be one a one sided friend.  Friendships should go both ways!  The very last thing I think is soooo important is do not talk to someone else about how you feel, so don't talk behind someones back!  We are grown ass adults, if you have a problem or concern, go directly to that person.... as long as it is something that has to do with you and your friend directly.  Again, maturity goes a long way because you do not want any regrets in life.

Watching all these different scenario's this week has really made me appreciate all my dear friends in my life.  I have said before that I will not have drama in my life, because it is energy spent on negativity instead of energy spent on living. Life is too short!  So I will exit from those situations quicker then they happen :)  I would choose having my dear friends around any day and I am so excited to have some new friends in my life that I already feel like I have known for years. That's what friendship means to me, new and old, its about good people in your life that you care about and that generally care about you. Don't wait for tomorrow to value what you have today, that is one thing cancer has taught me tenfold. What does friendship mean to you?

Things I wish I realized when I was in high school :)

I have really had a hard time going to sleep at night.  I can't really put my finger on it and am trying to do different things to help myself get some rest. One of those is to make sure while I am laying there with spinning thoughts in my head,  I am only thinking happy ones while I close my eyes.  With that being said, last night when my head hit that pillow I started compiling a list of "What I thought I knew" when I was growing up.  I found myself really getting a kick out of what I would tell my high school self today:) I am pretty forgetful so it is important for me to write these down sooner than later so where better to write them:)  I am really curious who else ever thinks about these things or is it just my new crazy mind:) This is exactly what I would say:

1) Try harder in school, School is important!! You do not go to school just to for social reasons, such as parties and who's dating who.

2) Wear whatever you want. Nobody will notice the name brands and no worries if they do. Really who gives a crap.

3) Get involved and join choir, who cares what people think! Do something you enjoy, even if you aren't the best singer :)

4) Your hair is really not that important, and it is as big as you could possibly get it. Also, the ozone layer could really use a break from all that Rave!

5) Don't park your car away from everyone else because, Hey, you have car and who cares if it's a 74 banana yellow Vega :)

6) Girls can be so mean, so don't waste your time on those friendships because they really aren't friends in the first place.  Just stay completely clear :)

7) As mean as girls can be, Boys are just as weird. Remember that boys think a lot different then girls do , and you will NEVER understand them ;)

8) Dressing like a twinkie with your bestie was cute, or at least you thought it was ;) 

9) 40 is really not that old! and not everyone has a life expectancy of 60....

10) Please look into going to college, you could have totally done it on your own!!! And you will save yourself from getting your degree at 40, while working full time and raising a family... Ugh :(

11) Work was important for you to survive but you will have the rest of your life to work 40 hours a week. So take some time off.

12) Not everyone is going to like you, and that is ok!! Don't change yourself to try to impress people. It's nothing you did wrong, it just is what it is....

13) You have no idea what Being in "Love" is. It's completely fine being single and you will probably have more fun than the "In Love" teenagers:)

14) When someone asks you what you want to do when you grow up, while being a mom is great, maybe not the thing to stride for so young...

15) Making mistakes are part of growing up. You are going to make a ton so don't dwell on them. It's what you learn from the mistakes that is most important.

16) You are not going to miss anything important so who cares if you can't go to the party in the cornfield on Friday.  There is always next time :)

17)You are not fat... Why do all girls think they are fat! 

18) You are not indestructible, don't be naive.  Anything can happen at any time so never put yourself in bad situations.

19) Purple passion is not as good as you think it is :)

20) Don't be in a hurry to grow up, enjoy your time in the present and most of all enjoy being young:)

There are a couple more but I will keep those to myself ;)  I think the biggest thing is that I wish I didn't grow up so fast.  That wasn't completely my choice because of my environment but I wish I slowed down and just enjoyed being a young, care free person.  I do have some regrets from the past but who doesn't.  Now I refuse to have any!

I am grateful for all the memories of the past, present and future.  In reality doesn't your past make you the person you are today? Deep night time thoughts, aren't they great:).  I could always take that little pill my doc gave me to help me sleep but I choose to just let my mind go to all bananas with these crazy memories :):) As long as they are good ones, right!!!

Do you ever question yourself?

It seems so easy to question myself sometimes on how I handled things or even how I process my thoughts.  I was actually thinking of everything that I want to blog about and that list is a mile long.  Then all of the sudden I was questioning why I wanted to write about certain things, why did I feel certain ways and was I wrong for having these thoughts.  I vowed when I started writing my blog that I would write what ever was on my mind for my own therapeutic selfishness.  However today I was backing off all the voices in my head... So why am I questioning myself?  That is going totally against the promises that I made with myself so I am fighting off those thoughts with my blog today and I am going to just keep writing what is on my mind.

Last week I had a rough week.  There were a number of things that really were weighing me down, the anniversary to my surgery, my winter hibernation, and our current medical insurance fiasco just to name a few.  One of the things that really bothered me was how I felt like I was not being as involved in my children's education as I wanted to be.  There were a few things that happened that made me feel like a idiot for not noticing sooner.  I won't get into the actual details but my oldest son had some things going on at school that I had no idea the importance of but when I found out I felt terrible for not realizing.  He also had this one teacher that messed up on one of his grades (should have been an A but she had a B) and he had told me he was worried about her correcting it but I thought the teacher had time so I didn't push it, middle school has been a hard adjustment for me trying to not get involved....  I dropped the ball on that one because the report card showed the incorrect grade and now it's to late.  I could have handled that so different and now I'm kicking myself :(   Then my youngest had some things going on at school(not grade related) and I feel so naive to not have noticed the signs before.  His situation is a little different because it all comes down to his anxiety with my diagnosis which he has struggled with very bad but how did I miss not seeing how this was affecting him at school?

On the same note as my son, he is not the only one that has had a hard time emotionally gripping my diagnosis.  There a couple of ladies in my life that have told me in the last month or so how much they emotionally were effected by my cancer.  I didn't even know this was going on either :( They basically told me how they fell into depression while trying to be there for me and my needs.  I love them for this, and could never repay them for what they have done but I can't help but to feel the sadness that comes along with knowing that. I can't help but to feel responsible for them spending  time on worrying, however that is what love will make you do.  There does hold some truth to a loved one being diagnosed with cancer, you feel like you were diagnosed right with them :( I would do the same for them and that is what makes our relationships priceless.  Once again, how did I miss this?

Winter is hard for me being stuck inside.  I always feel like we see less of our friends and just all around less activity during the winter and it puts me into a type of winter depression.  Then you top it off with my year anniversary that has taken me on a trip to revisit that dark time after I got diagnosed just does not help at all.  I have an added anxiety about getting sick to the point that I am a crazy person, wiping down the carts, not touching doors, and whipping out the antibacterial every chance I get. Even though my chemo was a year ago, my immune system has not repaired itself and my levels are all out of whack, being spleen less adds to that craziness.  I think it's just a funky winter for me.

Even though I live a lot different than I did before my diagnosis, my new care free ways do not take away the questioning of myself.  Am I doing my job as a mother?  Am I being a good friend? What about trying to keep in touch with family... am I doing that enough?  Am I being a good listener?  I hope I am not being selfish... Am I being active enough? I hope my kids look up to me...  Am I taking care of myself the way I should?  The everyday cycle remains the same even though your life gets interrupted through different circumstances.  I do not really know why I put this pressure on myself with all these questions,   but I am only human and admit to my flaws at all times!  I do not think that what I have been through has made me question myself more, I think as a woman, and as a mother we tend to do this without even knowing.  Not perfection but to just be good :)

So my goal is to NOT question myself.  I can't do it all, even though I do try at times :)  I have learned more about myself in the last year and it literally only took me 40 years and cancer to do this!  I can't wait for the spring to come, because I do believe sunshine is a MUST in my life to keep away from those winter blues.  Until then I will just be creating my own Sunshine :)

Can you believe it has been a year?

2-2-15 I was operated on to remove my cancer. I was an emotional mess to say the least.  I played it off I thought pretty well but the underlined fear I cannot explain to anyone.  Anyone that has been told they have cancer, or let alone any other major health life threatening problems can understand that moment when you were given the news.  I still can remember like it was yesterday when my doctor called to tell me what my diagnosis was, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.  There was a little part of what he was saying was pure disbelief and I prayed for a miracle that it was not what he thought but in my mind I just knew.  We decided it wasn't going to affect us, we were going to live as normal as we ever did.... I wish it was so easy.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't stop crying, I started thinking about what I needed to accomplish in case I did not make it through.  I know, I know, how can I think negative, you are suppose to think POSITIVE all the time so that you can FIGHT.... I'm calling BS on that because anyone that is hit with a cancer diagnosis has those little thoughts of the "What ifs".

 I did get through those dark days and once I found my course of action/treatment I did climb out of my hole to get everything situated before my surgery.  During this time I did lose track of important days, birthdays, appointments, and school activities.  My mind was all over the place so mostly everyone completely understood and cut me some slack :)  As absent minded as I was about those things, I was to busy prepping my family, my house and myself for this surgery that scared the living crap out of me.  I cleaned my house top to bottom, drawers, closets and replenishing supplies along the way.  You would have thought I was not going to be home for a year, but in some way that helped me to know everything was set up.  I honestly had NO idea how long I would be gone.  The problem with my cancer is you do not know how bad it is until you are opened up in surgery.  So I had heard some patients recovered quick, in and out of hospital in 7-10 days with no problems  Then the other stories were horrific, in the hospital for months, complications every other day and recovery took a year.  It's hard to plan when there is the unknowing in front of you.   

As I visited my close friends and family up to my surgery day, looking back I wanted them to know I love them and am so happy to have them in my life.  I made sure I had lunch, dinner and just conversed with everyone that meant so much to me. I wish I had done that more before I actually got diagnosed instead of waiting.   The hardest was the kids by far.  When you don't know how things are going to end up and then you have to kiss your kids goodbye, there is nothing else I can say.   

2-2-15 I had major surgery and truck loads of heated chemo pushed in and out of my body all at one time.  I woke up from that surgery with my husband holding my hand, my beautiful daughter smiling at me and my father sitting by my side.  I looked down at my long incision, checked out all my different tubes, drains, yellow chemo caution stickers and wires.  All I could think is Thank-god I woke up and everyone is smiling so things must be ok. My husband confirmed that I was good by simply saying, "You are cancer free".   Imagine how I felt at that point :)

It has been a year today and it seems like yesterday.  So much has happened since then and continues to happen. I have had a great year in so many ways and blessed beyond belief.  I recovered great from my surgery actually better than I thought I would. I learned how to live with my new normals. I have enjoyed more time with my family and friends. I have smelled the roses, made lots of memories, and most of all lived with all I have.  One year ago today I was unsure on what my future held or if I would be here to talk about it.  Isn't life crazy sometimes :)