I find myself.....My daughter's 21st birthday

As my daughter's 21st birthday approaches this Sunday the 24th, I find myself reminiscing on the last 21 years as her mother.  WOW!  If you really take the time and go through your memory bank it really does bring tears of joy to my eyes.

 When I got pregnant with her I was just 20 years old.  I had decided early on that my place in this world was as a wife and mother.  While everyone else was going off to college and living their young lives, I was settling down and getting married.  I really did not think it would happen so fast but I was pregnant within days of being married.  Shocked, young and scared I was still so excited to have this little baby in my life.  We had one car, lived in a small apartment and we worked our butts off, not making very much money so I was terrified !! :( My pregnancy was so easy and even though I was 2 weeks overdue, after being induced and 3 hours of labor, my little girl was born.  She was perfect!  Her father and I were by all means, newbies.  We were very blessed to have his family.  They would beg to watch her any chance they could and that allowed us to go to the grocery store.... that was our Friday nights :)   She was the best child ever!!  I think she spoiled me by being so good.

She was my strength through some very hard times, because she loved me I got through it all :)  Her father and I worked very close together after our divorce to make her the top priority.  She was loved by all and that made her one happy little girl. She has grown into such an amazing young woman

 and to think that it is already her 21st birthday just blows my mind.  I can still remember dropping her off for Kindergarten and crying like a baby while her dad said, whats going to happen when she leaves for college..... Of course I cried like a baby, as I do every time she leaves to go back to school.

I find myself telling her things that she will need to know in life, almost as if I am not going to be here to tell her myself.  I don't mean to do that but because of my diagnosis, I view tomorrow a little different than I did before.  I don't want any regrets and if it means showing her how to clean properly, how to manage money, or giving her family recipes, this is my way of trying to teach her everything I know just in case.

I also find myself simply watching her grow.  Like I have always done, I love watching her change into these different phases of her life.  I look at her and think that whatever I did, I did it well (toot, toot) :)  I do think that most of my approach on raising children focuses on lots of love, and attention.  I am being completely honest by saying that my children have not gone a day in their lives without getting a hug,  a kiss and I love you from me.  With that being said, I find myself thinking more about what the future brings.  I find myself remembering all of these life events with my beautiful daughter, all of her first that I have been there for.  I find myself sometimes getting sad that there are no guarantees on always being around for my children's milestones.  I don't think that I am thinking negative at all, reality has just smacked me to many times to think any other way.  I find myself soaking in every second I can, of every experience I can.  I find myself feeling bittersweet about her turning 21 this week, where does the time go.   I find myself holding on to every minute I can with her until she leaves my home for good, and starts her own journey in life.  Most of all I find myself over joyed with how lucky I am that she chose me as her mother and how extremely proud I am of her, My Daughter :)

New year, New Doctor

We traveled to Baltimore last week to meet a new doctor that we had heard and read about on most Pseudomyxoma related websites.  It was a surgeon that I was familiar with but we never reached out before because we found the surgeon in Illinois.  Long story short after I received the call from the Illinois surgeon the day after Thanksgiving I have not spoken to him again.  Who knows what happened and why he did not return my calls, I am still wondering if he never received the messages?  We knew immediately after the initial call that we were going to reach out to a few other doctors just to get a second opinion on these new findings.  Anyone, with any bigger health issues MUST always keep their options open and it is nothing personal but I have said, "it is my life we are talking about", so I can't feel bad to seek other opinions.  We contacted the surgeon in Baltimore and his assistant was so helpful getting everything she needed to set up a consultation with the doctor.  Everything got set up before Christmas so after the holidays I could hardly sleep knowing that I was closer to my visit.  I tried not to think about it, but it was hard because I was so angry that just a year ago almost to the day I was going to meet the surgeon in Illinois to schedule my surgery.  In the back of my head I thought that is what I was going to be doing during this visit with the new doctor, scheduling another surgery.

We got to Baltimore the day before the appointment so we decided to go find some place to eat.  It is funny because we do not get to go out much just the two of us and it seems like when we travel we actually get to go on dates :)  We had a very nice night, stuffing our faces and just looking around the city.  The next morning we had to be at the hospital for my day of testing by 6 am. In between all my test we got to meet another couple that has gone to same doctor and is 6+ years cancer free.  Her husband was doing his testing so she was so kind to go with us to get something to eat and talk about his story along with giving us information about the doctor.  I was amazed with everything she was telling us and everything this doctor has done for others in my same shoes.  I really needed that talk!   I was now ready to meet this doctor and find out how I felt about him.  Let me start by saying every doctor is different but I had never had such a complete exam in my whole life!  He then took us into his office and sat down next to us with the computer to show us my scans.  Slide by slide, explaining everything to us.  He said the report said negative, no signs of cancer!  He however stated he likes to look for himself.  He found two small, pee size spots, he stated they are so small they could be anything.  My husband made him repeat to me that he would not call it a recurrence at this time, because sometimes I do not hear everything(or at least thats what my husband says :)  As aggressive as he is, he would not do an operation on these small spots because he would want to  make sure it was cancer first.  His thoughts were not very far off from the doctor in Illinois but the doctor in Illinois said it was a very good chance it was cancer where this doctor is saying there is a very good chance it is not.  The other difference is the Illinois doctor said that he would want to watch and wait over time and until it showed aggressiveness then operate.  The doctor in Baltimore said the second he thought it was cancer he would want to get it out. That is what I needed to hear!  I am not a sit around and wait kind of person, especially if I have the choice to take care of it.

The doctor looked at me and told me that I would be ok and he would continue my care moving forward.  He also said that if we needed to beat the cancer down again in the future that he feels very confident that we could do another operation and I could be right there with many other of his long time survivors!  SOLD!!  That's all I needed to hear!  I felt this huge sense of relief, I know it sounds weird but I actually started to breath again.  I hugged him, (because I am a hugger), and he said he would see me in 4 months to make sure nothing changes :)  His assistant was still in the room when he left and I just broke down.  All the stress, all the sleepless nights, all the worrying, and all the unanswered questions came out with every tear that rolled down my face.  I knew that I was in the right place and I knew that this doctor would do whatever he possibly could to make sure I was ok, within his power :)

We left and went back to the hotel where I immediately fell asleep, and boy did I need some sleep :)  Reflecting back on all that has transpired over the last 6 weeks I know that we made the right choice.  I do not harbor any hard feelings towards my old doctor, I do think he is a great surgeon.  I just think I needed something else that I was not getting from him.   Everyone is different and everyone handles things differently.  There may have been patients that did not immediately have the same feelings with this doctor the way I did but there are a lot of patients that I know for a fact do love him.  I have to go back to my saying that everything happens for a reason and my old doctor not getting back to me was meant to happen.

 This is a new year for me and I have so much I want to do!  I want to travel, I want to spend lots of time with my family,  I want to hike, I want to watch more sunsets on the water,  I want to raise money for MY type of cancer research,  I want to meet new people but spend time with my great group of friends,  I want to keep exploring myself, I want to knit hats for people that have lost their hair due to cancer, I want to hug everyone :0),  I want to make more memories, I most of all want to dance like no one is watching, hell I will dance when everyone is watching!  There is no end to my list,  New Year, and New Doctor for me :)