This is going to be a very vulnerable post for me because I am going to talk about things that in the past I would have never addressed simply because I was embarrassed of myself. In my past, my personal self image was always a real challenge for me. I focused most my life on what the number read on the scale rather then what actually made me healthy. I never spoke about this, mainly because I have a daughter and there is so much pressure socially on our young children. I don't know how many people felt the same way as as I did but I always felt like I could be skinnier, my complexion could be better, my butt was too big, my boobs were to small, my teeth weren't straight, my hair was a frizzy mess and I just wanted to be like Kelly Ripa when she was on Dance Party USA :) Was that too much to ask? ;)
I always felt like I was the sister that got jipped in the looks department. My sisters are gorgeous, tall, skinny and just beautiful ladies and I would find myself getting really upset when people would say they look just alike... I can remember my mom would always give me the ugliest hair cuts growing up, I mean U G L Y! Looking back in the pictures I would never have done that to my daughter just saying :( I was the daughter that followed directions, didn't have to worry much about and didn't complain much.... the "pay no mind" daughter. We did not have a structured up bringing so a square meal with good food at our house never happened. I remember going to my grandmas for all my schools breaks and she would feed me whatever I wanted. Which ended up being all donuts, McDonald's, Dairy Queen, pop, and candy galore because I never got that at home. So my weight definitely suffered on and off through all my teenage years.
In high school I would have one year where I would starve myself, by eating one meal a day. Then the next year I would try to join in with all my friends and eat what they ate, chips, dips, ice cream, etc. in return my weight would blow up. Then I would repeat it , one year skinny, next year chubby. I never exercised or did any activities because I worked all the time and went to school. Not an excuse looking back but the truth.
I met my ex-husband in high school and I actually lived in my own apartment while I went to high school and worked full time. I really gained a lot of weight my senior year, into the summer after graduating. I remember gaining around 45 pounds in 6 months and my thighs were covered with bright red stretch marks to show just how fast I was growing. My ex did not seem to be bothered at all about my weight so it did not bother me.... I thought. I stayed that same weight until after we got married and had my daughter. At that time I started to focus my life around my beautiful baby so I did not eat all that junk that I had in the past. I started noticing that if I ate smaller portions that my weight came off. Then a new confidence arose, so I started doing some physical activity. I remember in one day I would only eat a yogurt, a pear, and some soup. I did that for 6 months at least. That same time my grandmother passed away and I stopped everything, eating, working out, I was very depressed. That's the same time my first marriage ended so with all going on, my health was the last thing on my mind.
I was still very thin, I weighed 124 lbs and I am 5'7, a few family members even told me that I was too thin and it didn't look good on me. At that time I met my husband who almost immediately noticed my eating habits, or lack of and called me out on it. He told me that I needed to eat more and he personally liked women to not be so skinny.... Well hell that was like heaven to me because I knew I was going to marry this guy immediately and he told me to eat!!! Winner :)
I stayed a healthy/ok weight through my sons being born, not at all skinny but I was comfortable in my own skin. Until my sister told me that I had to wear a mermaid style dress to her wedding, dear lord she had no idea what that was going to do to me!!! I would try to go back on a quick fix diet and working out but hated every second of it. I tried nutri system, weight watchers, Atkins, diet pills, you name it I tried it. I would lose 20 lbs and then gain it all right back. I hated, hated, and did I say hated working out!!! Not my thing at all and could not get into it.
Through the last couple of years I felt like my health was just blah to say the least. I did no physical activity, I would consider myself lazy actually looking back. I never thought I ate a lot but I think my portions were bigger than they should be and I had a sweet tooth so bad that I could skip a meal and go straight to the desert :( I blamed this on my age, saying that being almost 40 sucked, and I must be going through women changes early. My heaviest weight of my life 214lbs right before I found I had cancer..... Could you say I was a little bit in a funk :(
That is when I went in to have the out patient surgery and was diagnosed. Through the stress of finding out I had cancer along with immediately eating less I lost 15 lbs. When I found out what my treatment/surgery was going to be I knew that my health was going to play a pertinent role in my recovering so the juicing started and trying to do some physical activity to prepare. It was like a light switch went on and I knew how important my body/health was and that was going to either help me or hurt me going through this all.
I pushed myself after my surgery to start immediately walking, and ended up doing laps on the hospital floor, 60 staples, drains and NG tube all in tow. I joke and say I lost 20 lbs in the hospital but 17lbs were organs, but really when I came home I was down to 175lbs and keep in mind, this is 2 months from diagnosis. I kept doing laps around the house, and 10 minute trips on my treadmill. The hospital did not give me many tips on my healing but I knew that Protein, and walking would help with my recovery and I kept losing weight but most of all feeling better.
It took a while for my eating to have some normalcy, I had so much removed that it messed with what I could eat and how much. My servings were small so I ate something protein related every couple of hours. Gradually increasing my walking and eating better, I noticeably started feeling better and after just 8 weeks I started going to a PT to increase my activity. This was all so new to me because I actually enjoyed working out, walking and eating good. I noticed how much better I felt even after the Mother of All Surgeries. I was eating better, getting more nutrients such as vegetables, and protein which I had never done in my life.
I am now what I consider a healthy weight give or take 10lbs but don't we all :) I do something physical 6 days a week, whether its walking a couple of miles to doing a circuit work out, I make sure I don't give that up because it feels soooo good!!. I am still learning the best ways to eat since I am a new me but keeping those portions down has been a key. I use to look at working out and eating less as a diet. Now after being diagnosed with cancer, exercising has helped me fight off the depression and tiredness that comes along with the treatment.
I do feel better than I have in years and now completely get that we only get one body and we need to take care of it. No longer am I feeling jipped, or worried so much about the small petty things like a smaller butt, that only took 42 years to figure out :) My actual weight does not matter either, I am more concerned with simply living the best I can moving forward. I figured out that in all actuality everyone is so different, that size or shape has nothing to do with living a healthy life. Also, fast results are not long term results.... Patience is key to any change in your life :) This is another "I wish I knew then what I know now" moments in life. My new perspective on living has so much to do with living a healthier life, and I know that some things are out of my control but I do have control of how I choose to live moving forward :)
