I have been contemplating lately on whether I really wanted to write my blog anymore. I started this blog to release some of my thoughts, to provide some type of therapy for my wondering mind. I am not a writer, and actually I would say my weakness has always been writing. When I was encouraged to start a blog I decided to throw my fears out the window and just give it a try, for myself. This has been one of the best things I have done to help me on this journey. When my head is full and I can't fit anything else in, I write a post :)
Moving forward this post is a little different and was very hard for me to write. I actually didn't even know if I would write again, or if I would just wait until this bad dream has passed. I was told by my dearest friend that the blog isn't for anyone else it's for me and I need to keep it up!!! So that is just what I am doing, I am going to release all of these thoughts, fears and plans. With that being said, exactly one year ago today I was told that I might have some "Pseudo" blah, blah, blah disease that is kinda like cancer but not really cancer and don't worry we will figure it out. I went straight to Google and it didn't look like it was something I should NOT worry about, it looked like I definitely needed to worry about it! I immediately went into a state of numb, shock, depression and was worried that I would not be here to celebrate another holiday with my family. Everything I did I would think this is going to be my last one so I gotta make it good! I would worry about not being here for my children. I worried about crazy stuff, like how I wouldn't want my husband to remarry (I know I am completely selfish). My mind went crazy. It was very hard being diagnosed with cancer, worse then I could ever imagine. I quickly snapped out of those thoughts and decided I had to fight, so that is exactly what I did. Fast forward to my big surgery in February. I made it through and despite everything my body and mind had been through I was living life to the fullest no matter what!
My last blog I talked about how hard it was to wait for my results and I wondered why I had to always wait. This time I had to wait because the results weren't good and they wanted to clarify a few things before calling me. My doctor did not want to call me with these results the day before Thanksgiving, nor did he want to tell me them at all. When he called he did not even have to say anything because I could tell by the tone of his voice something was wrong. He talked to me but all I heard is they are concerned with the latest MRI. I don't even know what happened because I went to find my husband and I couldn't breath at all. I could not even tell him what the doctor said because I didn't hear much besides recurrence and concerned. My husband called back to get the story from the doctor and basically there are some spots where they removed my cancer that are showing back and after they looked at my previous scans these same spots showed up on the 3, 6 and 9 month scan. The doctor wouldn't say 100 % recurrence but he did not say it wasn't either. When asked what it could be if not a recurrence, the doctor said he didn't know..... it's 50/50 right now. There goes my thoughts because in my head that would mean that I was never cancer free, everything that I went through was not successful. In my head that would mean that not even 9 months after my life saving surgery, that it was still there. That means that the same exact time last year my world was turned upside down and this must be Deja Vu...... This cannot be real.
I feel really bad because so many people do not even get to experience a complete surgery where all the cancer was removed. I considered myself one of the lucky ones, not as much disease as others and having a complete surgery. I had low grade cancer, so I was lucky there also. The thing about this cancer is that it is very sneaky. We knew there was always a possibility of it sneaking back up but we must have been in some denial to think it was going to be so soon. I am so pissed off I cannot even tell you. This time last year I was a crying mess. This year I could literally explode with anger. I think boxing would be good for me right now.... I cannot even believe one year almost to the date we were going through the same emotions but I feel so different now. I told someone that I feel like the shoe dropped last year but this year the other shoe was taken off and is just smacking me upside the head, over and over and over again. I HATE CANCER!!!!
We have had over a week to talk, try to get more answers and come up with our next game plan. At this point my doctor wants to see me again the end of January for another scan. One of my dearest friends told us how to have my pathology confirmed with John Hopkins, so we have just finished all the details of that. My husband, family and friends have all said that a second set of eyes should look at my scans, records and history to get a second opinion so we are doing that also. I probably won't have any answers until next week on the pathology but we basically are just double checking everything just to make sure that nothing is different.
I hate being negative so I am making sure I smile for all my blessings daily. I have to keep my head out of the clouds and once again realize how lucky I am to be able to have options moving forward. I am pushing through again because every second is so precious. I am not going to tell my boys this new set back because right now we just don't know what's going to happen. I couldn't breath at first when I got the call but my closest friends and family have stood by my side once again to make sure that I don't let myself fall. I will continue to fight on, because I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend and that's what we do!!!
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