Farewell to 2015

We are only a couple of days away from putting 2015 behind us.   This year started out with a bang and is going to be finishing the same exact way.  I struggled last year at this time, trying to wrap my head around the fact that my whole life was going to change.  Not knowing what my future was going to hold I immediately made a decision to live my life different moving forward.  The first item on my to do list was to get the cancer removed and try to recover quickly from that crazy surgery so that I could start on my goals.  I did just that, survived a radical surgery, and forced myself to recover fast so that I could literally smell the roses.  I went from literally being someone that hated to leave the house, to someone that could not wait to jump out of bed and get out of the house.  My husband thought/thinks I am crazy but he secretly loves it at the same time :)

In 2015, we traveled, a lot!!!! We took long walks all the time.  We spent basically every last second with the family, and even made sure that we spent more time with extended family.  We took long drives and spent a lot of time out on Lake Michigan.  I spent money.....this is funny to all that knows me and my saving ways :)  I bought that bedroom set that I have talked about for the last 10 years.  I actually bought myself things, instead of always buying for others and coming home empty handed.  It felt soooo good!!!   I finished many of the nights on the porch with my husband and a wine bottle.  I kissed more than I ever kissed and hugged more than I ever hugged. I did not stress about my house being cleaned!  That is really crazy because I did not even care if anyone came over and saw it.  I did not let anything or anyone with negativity be around me or my family, nothing but sunshine and lollipops in this house!! I did not care for one second what other people thought about me because I know I am a good person and not everyone is going to like everyone.  I was actually ok with that for the first time in my life :)   We tried to spend as much time as we could with friends old and new, and we had so much fun doing this.  I allowed myself to get close to some of these people that over the years I had lost touch with, not by choice but because life got in the way.  No more life getting in the way for me, I wanted everyone to know I loved them and I made sure I told them every chance I got.  I know it sounds cliche but I did not sweat the small stuff at all. I prayed more than I have in my whole life, sounds so bad but 2015 taught me the power of prayer.  Most importantly, I had a great 2015, full of memories and full of life. It was one for the record book.  

Of course there were some parts of 2015 that I could have totally done with out.  I don't really even feel like I need to waste my time talking about what I wished didn't happen this year because it wouldn't change anything.  It is what it is and as much as it sucks I can either let it tear me down or I can tell it to kiss my ass and fight on, I chose the latter :)  

The first week of 2016 my husband and I will be traveling to Baltimore so I can have a complete consultation with one of the best doctors out there, and to put together a game plan moving forward.  Until then we will ring out the new year with some great people, and toast to a brand new year.  I would say better year but even with the bad that came in 2015, I don't know if we could beat all the amazing times we had!  The challenge is on for 2016, bring it on because I am SO READY :)

December 19th.....

It's been 19 years since my grandma passed away on this day.  It is a day that part of my heart was taken.  Any one that knew my grandma would have have told you what a wonderful and great women she was but I saw her as so much more.  She was my idol, my mentor, my best friend, my mother, my grandmother and my hero all wrapped into one person.  She was the only stability that I knew growing up and I lived for all my school breaks and summers where I would go spend them with her. I would watch every move she made to only someday try to be just like her.  Her traditions that she created for her family, the love that she showered for all and most of all her charismatic personality that shined for all to see.

December 19th, 2006 I called her at 5:30am in the morning to let her know that we would be coming to celebrate Christmas a little early due to my then husband's grandma passing that night.  My grandma was up every day before the sun drinking her coffee and listening to the radio except that day.  My grandpa answered who was asleep but didn't know where she was.  I am on the phone with him as he found her gone sometime in the night... That phone call would forever change me. We jumped in the car to travel our 4 hours to not only mourn one grandma but now two.  I was young, only 23 when this happened but I pulled it together and jumped right into her position of making sure the traditions stayed in place for the children.  She had already prepared all the meals and froze them, wrapped all the presents and set out the place settings.  We celebrated her life as we mourned her but we also had to celebrate Christmas because she would not have wanted it any other way.  I can remember it like it was yesterday. We all have had a day that we will never forget but 12-19-06 is one of mine.

She was the rock of the family, the glue that held it all together, the voice for us all.  When she left us the family would forever be different.  The holidays, the checking in with each other and the whole around dynamic of the family would never be the same.  It was hard for me because even though I was her granddaughter, she was my mother.  My life spiraled out of control for a couple of years as I tried to find my purpose once again.  I did when I met my husband 17 years ago, but she was always there cheering me on.  I do believe that she led me to my husband in some way, knowing that I needed him in my life.

Christmas was her favorite  time of the year and I have figured out ways to exactly celebrate with my family the way she did with hers.  Our house is decked out with Christmas cheer galore.  I bake cookies for a week and freeze dozens of them to hand out to my family and friends, just like she did.  I make her famous twice baked potatoes to have at our Christmas Eve celebration.  My sister comes with her family all the way from Florida because it's not Christmas without them.  We all get new Christmas pajamas to wear because she started that tradition.  We line up youngest to oldest to enter a spectacular room full of joy and presents on Christmas morning.  Most of all we are all here and together to celebrate this time of the year.  She has left me with so many memories that I will cherish for my life.

I will forever remember this day and my beautiful angel that shines down on me.  I know she is watching out for me and doing everything she can to keep me positive  and healthy while picking me up when I am down along the way.  I am so lucky that I get to carry on her traditions and celebrate this time of the year with my favorite holiday  and with my family and friends.  Instead of sitting back and talking about how I remember the past, I make the most of my present time and make sure my children will carry on these traditions some day for their family and friends the same way I did.

The call that took my breath away......again

I have been contemplating lately on whether I really wanted to write my blog anymore.  I started this blog to release some of my thoughts, to provide some type of therapy for my wondering mind.  I am not a writer, and actually I would say my weakness has always been writing.  When I was encouraged to start a blog I decided to throw my fears out the window and just give it a try, for myself.  This has been one of the best things I have done to help me on this journey.  When my head is full and I can't fit anything else in, I write a post :)

Moving forward this post is a little different and was very hard for me to write.  I actually didn't even know if I would write again, or if I would just wait until this bad dream has passed.  I was told by my dearest friend that the blog isn't for anyone else it's for me and I need to keep it up!!! So that is just what I am doing, I am going to release all of these thoughts, fears and plans.  With that being said, exactly one year ago today I was told that I might have some "Pseudo" blah, blah, blah disease that is kinda like cancer but not really cancer and don't worry we will figure it out.   I went straight to Google and it didn't look like it was something I should NOT worry about, it looked like I definitely needed to worry about it!  I immediately went into a state of numb, shock, depression and was worried that I would not be here to celebrate another holiday with my family.   Everything I did I would think this is going to be my last one so I gotta make it good!  I would worry about not being here for my children.  I worried about crazy stuff, like how I wouldn't want my husband to remarry (I know I am completely selfish).  My mind went crazy.  It was very hard being diagnosed with cancer, worse then I could ever imagine.  I quickly snapped out of those thoughts and decided I had to fight, so that is exactly what I did.  Fast forward to my big surgery in February.  I made it through and despite everything my body and mind had been through I was living life to the fullest no matter what!

My last blog I talked about how hard it was to wait for my results and I wondered why I had to always wait.  This time I had to wait because the results weren't good and they wanted to clarify a few things before calling me.  My doctor did not want to call me with these results the day before Thanksgiving, nor did he want to tell me them at all.  When he called he did not even have to say anything because I could tell by the tone of his voice something was wrong.  He talked to me but all I heard is they are concerned with the latest MRI.  I don't even know what happened because I went to find my husband and I couldn't breath at all.  I could not even tell him what the doctor said because I didn't hear much besides recurrence and concerned.  My husband called back to get the story from the doctor and basically there are some spots where they removed my cancer that are showing back and after they looked at my previous scans these same spots showed up on the 3, 6 and 9 month scan.  The doctor wouldn't say 100 % recurrence but he did not say it wasn't either.  When asked what it could be if not a recurrence, the doctor said he didn't know..... it's 50/50 right now.  There goes my thoughts because in my head that would mean that I was never cancer free, everything that I went through was not successful.  In my head that would mean that not even 9 months after my life saving surgery, that it was still there.  That means that the same exact time last year my world was turned upside down and this must be Deja Vu...... This cannot be real.

I feel really bad because so many people do not even get to experience a complete surgery where all the cancer was removed.  I considered myself one of the lucky ones, not as much disease as others and having a complete surgery.  I had low grade cancer, so I was lucky there also.  The thing about this cancer is that it is very sneaky.  We knew there was always a possibility of it sneaking back up but we must have been in some denial to think it was going to be so soon.  I am so pissed off I cannot even tell you.  This time last year I was a crying mess.  This year I could literally explode with anger. I think boxing would be good for me right now....  I cannot even believe one year almost to the date we were going through the same emotions but I feel so different now.  I told someone that I feel like the shoe dropped last year but this year the other shoe was taken off and is just smacking me upside the head, over and over and over again.  I HATE CANCER!!!!

We have had over a week to talk, try to get more answers and come up with our next game plan.  At this point my doctor wants to see me again the end of January for another scan.  One of my dearest friends told us how to have my pathology confirmed with John Hopkins, so we have just finished all the details of that.  My husband, family and friends have all said that a second set of eyes should look at my scans, records and history to get a second opinion so we are doing that also.  I probably won't have any answers until next week on the pathology but we basically are just double checking everything just to make sure that nothing is different.

I hate being negative so I am making sure I smile for all my blessings daily.  I have to keep my head out of the clouds and once again realize how lucky I am to be able to have options moving forward.  I am pushing through again because every second is so precious.  I am not going to tell my boys this new set back because right now we just don't know what's going to happen.  I couldn't breath at first when I got the call but my closest friends and family have stood by my side once again to make sure that I don't let myself fall.  I will continue to fight on, because I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend and that's what we do!!!