Enough with the Past, On to the future!

This week has been a rough one on so many different levels.  I started the week a bit emotional and was having a hard time getting over those emotions.  I am part of these support groups online that are directed for my disease only.  The problem I have is that I personally only want to see all the positive things and when something sad or depressing happens it totally pushes me into the same sad emotions.  There was a man that has had this cancer for 10 years I believe.  I found his story online when I first got diagnosed because he started his own charity to contribute to the fight.  I was so happy that he has been able to fight through this disease after multiple surgeries and every complication possible (it seemed).  This week started with his passing and even though I did not know him personally it really hurt to see this.  I did not tell my husband what it was that was making me so emotional but since he is on this same support group he knew immediately that I was affected by this.  He really does not think I should be part of this group because I do have such a hard time with the bad news, or the grieving.  I really thought I could fight through those feelings but I do agree with what he is saying.

That led my husband to immediately go into let's turn that frown upside down mode and told me that we were going to get out the Christmas Decor because anyone that knows me knows that Christmas is my holiday :)  He put on the holiday music and laid with me on the floor as we one by one fixed those damn lights on the Christmas tree that went out last year.  We did this with every lighted decoration we had so now they are all like new!!!  Last year I got diagnosed the same exact time we started decorating for Christmas so a lot of our normal traditions did not matter at that moment.  We did decorate last year but half the decorations didn't work or stopped working and we just didn't care.  We got through the holidays but then just shoved everything into storage at the end so we had a real mess to deal with this year.  Surprisingly we got everything out and working and it worked wonders for what started as being a very somber day for me.  Crazy how decorating for Christmas can be such a therapeutic thing to do :)

Almost a year ago my Grandma A passed away.  She had been sick for awhile, up and down but couldn't fight any more so her body gave up.  As weird as it sounds I did feel a sense of relief that she was not suffering anymore and would not have to go through the pain anymore. It was still very hard to see my Grandma A go but I do believe she was at peace with going and that did help me with my grieving.  My other Grandma E passed away 19 years ago and that was very hard on me.  She was only 65 when she passed very suddenly and unexpected.  She was like a mother to me so we had a very different relationship then most have with their grandma's.  Both of my grandma's were such amazing ladies with beautiful souls,  I was so lucky to have them.  This week has brought up the sadness of losing  both of these  amazing and lovely ladies but I know they are taking care of me from heaven, watching over me at all times :)

The week has finished with someone I love to death going through a very hard time right now.  I can't be there physically for this person because I live to far away but I want to emotionally be there in any way I can.  I spent most of the last 2 days just talking, and trying to help them get through what seemed impossible.  It's very hard for me because I wish I could take away all of the past pain, and problems that keep somehow coming back after all these years.  Our past gradually lingers in the shadows and those demons seem to poke out every once in awhile and affect our present day.  I somehow manage to kick them down and not let them affect the person I am today but others have a harder time with that.  I did finally get to the point where I made it clear that what happens in the past of course contributes to the adults that we have become but we DO have control to let those demons come around or not.  We have a choice how we live as adults and what happens in the past we cannot undo but we can learn from it moving forward.

So much of this weeks draining emotional roller coaster has to do with the past.  Today I got out of bed thinking, "Enough with the past, on to the future!" We are all on borrowed time so let's make the best of it while we have the chance!! So on to more family time spending decorating the house , YAY!!!