The struggle is real....

The time was coming up for my 9 month scan and check up.  I have said before that I do feel like at times I am on a 3 month break from dealing with cancer, that is until my date starts approaching.  About a week before my scheduled date I do find myself getting a little off, not sleeping well and anxious.  It is hard to explain to anyone that has not lived with cancer so I tend to not talk about it.  I am still working out the best way to deal with these appointments where I do not let it consume any of my time, I just haven't found the magic puzzle piece as of yet.  My appointment was suppose to be the day before my Bro-n-law's last chemo treatment and I was sooooo excited for us both to be continuing to take steps forward in our journeys.  Then I got the call that my appointment needed to be pushed up to the day before Thanksgiving.  Ugh, I already had my mind absorbed on this certain day but what can I do about it.  Another week was not going to kill me but it was going to consume more of my time mentally.....

My scan days start at 3:30am because we have to drive 1 1/2 to get there and the blood work has to be done before the 7am MRI.  What really stinks about that is I get no sleep the night before for obvious reasons so I am basically a stress ball at this point.  After my blood work, then 2 hour MRI my next appointment is with my hematologist who has been keeping a very close eye on my Iron.  Since my surgery I am having a hard time absorbing the nutrients I need and one of those is Iron.  I am extremely anemic so she wants me to start getting Iron infusions through a IV to try to correct this.  Now it is 11am and time to see the doctor for my appointment and results.  That is not really how it ever goes though, my results are never done by then.  The doc sent me to get my infusion and told us to come back after to get the results.  At 1pm we did just that and he could not get the results to pull up on the computer and he had to head to surgery.  He told the nurse that he would call us later after surgery and she guaranteed he would.  Now at this point I have been doing my test, appointments and treatments for 7 hours so here comes my breakdown.  I have and do a very good job of keeping it together but my poor husband could not help me with this one.  All the way home I was upset, frustrated and just mad about everything and I mean everything.  I don't think I have had a breakdown so bad since I found out my diagnosis.    It all came out at once and basically all came down to the fact that I am suppose to be able to go in and jump through all these hoops and then leave with my results.

That night came and went with no call.  I knew about 9pm the doc wasn't going to be calling.  Now the part that really sucks at this point is I knew he was going to be out of the office until Monday since the holiday.  So now I had to mentally wrap my head around the fact that I would not hear anything until then.  The hardest part for me and I am guessing anyone else that has to wait for results is you start analyzing why your waiting, is there a problem?  I go back and forth between thinking he didn't call because everything is good, to he didn't call because it's not good.  I know I am my worse enemy when it comes to this.

Thanksgiving helped because I stayed busy with family.   I was having the after effects of upset belling and nausea from the infusion but I have definitely been through worse.  Then I made my daughter and husband help me finish the outside lights, against their will :) We topped it off with some black Friday shopping but for ourselves :)  I got a good night sleep because I simply wore myself out.  Today I am going to do the same thing and tomorrow and the next day, stay so busy I wear myself out and maybe with the help of some wine ;)

When it comes to Scanxiety, I think in time it will get better but I am still so new at this.  When it comes to expecting things a certain way, I should just always expect the unexpected just like my diagnosis.  When it comes to staying positive, I do and I will but everyone has those moments of weakness and Cancer does not help that.  When it comes to the future, this is part of my future and I think that being mad at times is ok but just for short amounts of time.  When it comes to being blessed, I am blessed beyond belief and realize that daily!  When it comes to the struggle of everything that comes along with my new normal, the struggle is real.

My youngest baby :)

I was just laying in bed reflecting on my youngest son's basketball game yesterday.  He really is a very good athlete in most of the sports he plays but he is crazy competitive and can't stand to lose, I mean CAN'T stand to lose!  Yesterday his game was off and when that happens he gets frustrated beyond belief, so next will come tears.  I don't care how many times my husband and I tell him that he cannot cry, it's just a game, it still happens and is out of our control.  That turned me into one unhappy mama because I don't want to see him over on the bench crying because of a 4th grade basketball game and I know that he is pulling every excuse out of his pocket on why he is upset which none of them are the real reason.  We came home from that game and gave him the talk about why he cannot do that, and how the other kids don't get upset like that, and on and on to try to get him to understand. It becomes very exhausting for his father and I as we try to calm him down while he is battling us on how we don't know how he feels :(

Today my mind immediately went to yesterday and the times before when this has happened.  I realized that I am to blame for this, I am the one that held him for the first 2 years pretty much non stop.  I am the one that would try to instill in the kids how important it was to do their best and with him to always stay on his game no matter what giving 110% at all times.  I am also the one that won't let him play impact sports such as football because I don't want him to get hurt :( I also am the one that thought we were going to have another child after him but after years of trying it did not happen so I quickly realized he was going to be my last one, my baby so I treated him like just that....

My youngest of course does not know anything about my writings but someday he will and he will love the attention!  He loves to talk, talk and talk.  He will carry on a conversation with any adult any day of the week and talk right along with the topic at hand.  He was on the phone the other night with his Poppy about college basketball and it never ceases to amaze me how much he remembers from the previous years, players names, stats, etc.  He carried that conversation on until we made him get off the phone.  He will ask us deep questions about life, things that most 9 year olds would never even think about, like political questions, about wars, about family members that he realizes he doesn't see very often and is trying to analyze why.  He will have full on debates on topics that he feels strong about such as Obama :(  He also catches on to everything! He wants everything to be fair, for everyone in the world!  He makes good friends with every teacher he has had and he still will help them in their classes, and talks to them all, almost daily.  He wants to play every sport he can because he really wants to be the best at everything(and already thinks he is ;).  He told me that his plans are college IU basketball and then on to the NBA but he wants to buy our house from us so that he can live there and raise his family, but we have to live with them :)  He would play with absolutely anyone that would play with him, sometimes if there is no one to play outside with he will just stay outside by himself and his imagination.  He loves to just watch movies but with me by his side.  I could go on and on about all the awesomeness that he has, the list is remarkable!

Looking back on yesterday makes me realize that we do have to work on his frustration when playing sports but in a lot of ways that is just my son.  He is passionate, very competitive and gets frustrated like some when things don't go his way.  This has been a very hard year for all my kids but he has had the hardest time out of them.  His emotions have been high from the beginning, he always would ask me if I was going to pass away.  He wears his feelings on his sleeve so he has dealt with this so different then his siblings.  That tears my heart to pieces that he has had such anxiety and worries about my illness.  That is one reason it was so important for me to push myself to get better so that no one had to worry about me.  As normal as we tried to keep things for all of them sometimes it just is not possible.  Every child is so different and have such different needs while they grow.  There is no manual on how to raise your children and every parent has their own personal ways.  We make mistakes I am sure of it and will propably make more.  My husband and I revolve our lives around our kids and although sometimes it is a struggle to know whats right from wrong I think we are doing a very good job considering!  I didn't have very good role models growing up so I decided to change that cycle as an adult and do everything completely opposite from my childhood. Sometimes I feel like it backfires because I tend to over compensate but  I wouldn't change anything about the way we have parented and we are still learning every day :)  My youngest, my baby is who he is I love that a about him !!

Enough with the Past, On to the future!

This week has been a rough one on so many different levels.  I started the week a bit emotional and was having a hard time getting over those emotions.  I am part of these support groups online that are directed for my disease only.  The problem I have is that I personally only want to see all the positive things and when something sad or depressing happens it totally pushes me into the same sad emotions.  There was a man that has had this cancer for 10 years I believe.  I found his story online when I first got diagnosed because he started his own charity to contribute to the fight.  I was so happy that he has been able to fight through this disease after multiple surgeries and every complication possible (it seemed).  This week started with his passing and even though I did not know him personally it really hurt to see this.  I did not tell my husband what it was that was making me so emotional but since he is on this same support group he knew immediately that I was affected by this.  He really does not think I should be part of this group because I do have such a hard time with the bad news, or the grieving.  I really thought I could fight through those feelings but I do agree with what he is saying.

That led my husband to immediately go into let's turn that frown upside down mode and told me that we were going to get out the Christmas Decor because anyone that knows me knows that Christmas is my holiday :)  He put on the holiday music and laid with me on the floor as we one by one fixed those damn lights on the Christmas tree that went out last year.  We did this with every lighted decoration we had so now they are all like new!!!  Last year I got diagnosed the same exact time we started decorating for Christmas so a lot of our normal traditions did not matter at that moment.  We did decorate last year but half the decorations didn't work or stopped working and we just didn't care.  We got through the holidays but then just shoved everything into storage at the end so we had a real mess to deal with this year.  Surprisingly we got everything out and working and it worked wonders for what started as being a very somber day for me.  Crazy how decorating for Christmas can be such a therapeutic thing to do :)

Almost a year ago my Grandma A passed away.  She had been sick for awhile, up and down but couldn't fight any more so her body gave up.  As weird as it sounds I did feel a sense of relief that she was not suffering anymore and would not have to go through the pain anymore. It was still very hard to see my Grandma A go but I do believe she was at peace with going and that did help me with my grieving.  My other Grandma E passed away 19 years ago and that was very hard on me.  She was only 65 when she passed very suddenly and unexpected.  She was like a mother to me so we had a very different relationship then most have with their grandma's.  Both of my grandma's were such amazing ladies with beautiful souls,  I was so lucky to have them.  This week has brought up the sadness of losing  both of these  amazing and lovely ladies but I know they are taking care of me from heaven, watching over me at all times :)

The week has finished with someone I love to death going through a very hard time right now.  I can't be there physically for this person because I live to far away but I want to emotionally be there in any way I can.  I spent most of the last 2 days just talking, and trying to help them get through what seemed impossible.  It's very hard for me because I wish I could take away all of the past pain, and problems that keep somehow coming back after all these years.  Our past gradually lingers in the shadows and those demons seem to poke out every once in awhile and affect our present day.  I somehow manage to kick them down and not let them affect the person I am today but others have a harder time with that.  I did finally get to the point where I made it clear that what happens in the past of course contributes to the adults that we have become but we DO have control to let those demons come around or not.  We have a choice how we live as adults and what happens in the past we cannot undo but we can learn from it moving forward.

So much of this weeks draining emotional roller coaster has to do with the past.  Today I got out of bed thinking, "Enough with the past, on to the future!" We are all on borrowed time so let's make the best of it while we have the chance!! So on to more family time spending decorating the house , YAY!!!

Better play it safe

This weekend was Halloween and we had a crazy busy day.  First on the agenda was going to one of our good friends little girl's birthday party.  Then off to another good friends house for a night of trick-or-treating for the kids and cocktails for the grown ups :)   I love days like those with so much to do and no time to stop.  I know it sounds so crazy but I LOVE those days!   We had such a great time that part of me wished it did not have to end and hoping we have more of those nights soon.  There is just something about being around great people, all else goes away with no worries in the world.  I cherish these types of days and do often reflect on how lucky I am to be able to have them :)

My poor hubby has no choice (with me) anymore about being proactive on his health care.  I basically made him months ago get a full check up just to make sure everything was good.  His doctor ordered the blood work, and threw in an order for a colonoscopy.  It has been a few months, but this week was his turn for this heavenly procedure :)  I kept telling him that we just have to be on top of this because it is all about early detection and since cancer is everywhere around us we better play it safe :)  I am sure by Monday night when he was going through his wonderful prepping he was giving me an earful that he kept to himself. :)  Tuesday was the day, he was hungry, grumpy and worried.  If you know my husband, you know that he does not do a very good job of not worrying about things.  He also is very good at directing his attention on taking care of his family and not so much himself.  After it was all done the doctor, who I know, came in and was asking me about my recovery.  My husband, still very much drugged up from the procedure, pipes right up and is talking his ear off on how good I am doing, and how he believes that my cancer is gone forever.  I just sat there and smiled because he didn't even have his eyes open while having this full on conversation lol!

The doctor said all is good and saw nothing at all so my husband can come back in 10 years, YAY!!! On the way home my husband seemed a little down, but not in a bad way.  He told me that he was so glad that everything is ok with him because he truly believes that he is here to help me with this roller coaster of life.  At first I really didn't think much about that sentence but then last night I was laying in bed and basically what I came up with is that he feels like he was put in my life to see me through it with his love and help :)  Now that started my tears flowing and I couldn't help but to feel somewhat guilty that my poor husband worries about me all the time, even when things seem to be going great!  That is a lot of pressure for one person to put on themselves.  This is just another way my diagnosis has changed the way I live and the way my husband lives.  We all would do the same for our loved ones in their times of need but to have him tell me that is what he knows he is here for in life was the most pure thing I have ever heard him say.  These everyday revelations are real and is who we are since December 12, 2014.

Going back to why I wanted my husband to get checked up is simply because I couldn't live without him... I know that we are all on borrowed time and anything could happen in a split second but for now I want to take all the health precautions we can.  They say that cancer will affect 1 out of every 3 people and with early detection there are better ways to fight.  I think everyone should think about this and I will push all my loved ones, and friends to play it safe and just get a check up!  Look it didn't hurt anything, except 24 hours of starving ;)