Once again we decided to schedule a mini-vacation during the kids fall break. We finished all the details about a month ago, so just like the cruise it was scheduled with the "What the hell, why not", mentality. The new me is doing this a lot lately and if I keep going we could just end up broke :) This time it was DisneyWorld that we chose to escape to and what better place but the happiest place on earth! The boys had no idea, so we set it up for my in-laws to surprise them once we got off the plane. It was priceless! The boys were sooooo excited and I wish like so many times before that we could bottle up those looks on their faces :)
We packed as much into the 5 days that we could and when I tell you that I fought through it, I really mean I fought through it. Anyone that has gone to Disney World knows that it is a go, go and go type of vacation. We went from 9 in morning to midnight every night, with no down time at all. We were averaging walking over 10+ miles a day and by the end of the night my back and feet were screaming at me. This was the first time since my diagnosis that I have pushed myself to these physical limits and honestly it was very hard. I will say there was no way that I was not going to fight through a lot of the new normals for me on this trip because I wanted to get the most out of it for my family.
As positive as I am about my diagnosis I have said that I do have those moments where I get those split second thoughts out of the blue. While on this trip I did not think about anything but what we were doing next but then out of now where I would think how much I had to make this trip so spectacular because "what-if" I didn't get to do this again. Even when I was on my all-time favorite ride, Soarin, I found myself getting emotional because of those thoughts. I even hate to write that down because I do want to live and work so hard on not living with the "what-if" mentality. Then all of a sudden I see or hear of someones reoccurrence and it triggers off in my head that I am not out of the woods ever because my cancer isn't considered curable..... I hate that part of cancer in general with anyone, the worrying. It doesn't matter how strong, positive, or religious we are on a daily basis, those thoughts sometimes do come up. However, I would definitely say those thoughts are insignificant compared to all great times we have.
We have traveled and vacationed more in the last 6 months then we ever have and I can thank my diagnosis for this. Also when we get away, I truly get away from everything. It is the greatest feeling in the world to just escape from reality, the everyday hustles and bustles of life. I love it!! If we could do this all the time I think that those worries would stay tucked away where they should be. It is always a little depressing for me to have to come back but then I think about all the reasons that we can't be full time travelers. For our family, our friends are very important back home so we would not want to live away from them. Also, we love our comfy home and community. Actually our family as a whole loves spending time watching movies, eating our meals together and just being at home in general. One of the biggest reason's we can't travel all the time of course has to do with money I know they say you don't need money to be happy but I am a firm believer that money does make things easier in life and with it we could travel more!!!!! It sucks having to be responsible sometimes but it is important for us our children have stability in life because growing up I was not so lucky. I want them to grow up with their best friends, go to a great school and live in OUR family home where we make memories. That is really the main reason why we can't travel all the time, or travel all the time yet :)
Everybody has different goals in life and we all should be living our life the way we choose to. Our goals have changed the last 10 months. We use to live for the future, saving, and literally dreaming of what we would do someday. Now we live for today, making our dreams come true. We can't do everything we want to immediately but we are going to make those dreams reality sooner than later. We will continue to travel more and not stress about paying things off before we do it. We will also save for the future but not every penny. We might travel a little different when it comes to saving money on our traveling because then guess what, we can do more traveling if we do that! Also, we want to explore, we want to explore places we have never been but look so beautiful in pictures :) We are going to enjoy our reality as much as we can because no matter what we do there are no guarantees in this thing called life. No one knows what the future brings! I will push through my new normal and pain because it feels so good to know that I have the ability to do that when others might not be so lucky. If only I was rich, I would travel all the time and my family and friends would be right by my side making every second count with me!
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Before I got sick?
This week has been a little all over the place. I have been very busy with everything that comes along with being a mom and wife but I am not at all complaining :) I have been very tired though and I notice myself obsessing a bit with my eating, and little aches/pains. I thought that the busier I was the more I would just ignore those things but when I lay my head down at night, the mind doesn't shut off that easy. The one thing that I do notice myself saying in conversation or when talking to my friends or family is, "Before I got sick......" However tonight I am sitting here thinking about that time when I did not know I had cancer yet. I did not have ANY symptoms at all, then all of the sudden BOOM! I always thought that if something was going to happen to me health wise that I would know because I would get sick or have some type of symptoms. That brings me back to thinking why do I say before I got sick when I was never sick, or at least I never felt a single bit of being sick. Fast forward 8 months since my surgery, I can tell you that I definitely have my moments where I feel sick now. Of course I was not naive to think that I would not feel different after this huge surgery hence the name, "My New Normal". I know that I am extremely lucky to not have had so many of the side effects that I read from the others that have had this surgery. I do know though that I would love, I mean absolutely love to eat normal! I never thought in all my 42 years of my life that I would say I would love to just sit down and eat all my favorite foods and eat and eat and eat. Being someone that has struggled with weight my whole life I always knew that my problem was food and now I dream of being able to eat the same way I did before. How ironic is that.
I have been reading a lot of different ways people treat cancer holistically with diet and supplements. These cancer survivors really believe in these alternative treatments and it sounds so incredible to hear them talk about how they were cured. As much as I really want to believe that you can be cured from cancer with just your diet I do have that side of me that wonders why more people don't do these same treatments if it truly does cure. There are patients that swear by drinking gallons of carrot juice a day, eating a complete plant based diet and taking a million different natural supplements. Part of me would love to try these different alternative treatments but the other part of me is scared to death of the unknown that these treatments may have on our bodies. First of all I can't even eat vegetables at all with my "special" diet they have me on but second of all I am terrified of anything else upsetting my belly at this point I don't even want to try it unless I know I will be OK. I know this completely goes against my new way of living for today but when it comes to your gut, I feel like it rules your whole body. Maybe someday :)
Well for now I will keep doing my "New Normal" and hopefully in time it will improve along with all my little aches and pains. My complaints are so minimal compared to others, I do know how extremely lucky I am :) So until then I am going to keep moving forward with my busy life that I love. I am going to stop saying the, "Before I got sick", phrase though so if anyone hears me say that I give you full permission to remind me that I wasn't sick :)
I have been reading a lot of different ways people treat cancer holistically with diet and supplements. These cancer survivors really believe in these alternative treatments and it sounds so incredible to hear them talk about how they were cured. As much as I really want to believe that you can be cured from cancer with just your diet I do have that side of me that wonders why more people don't do these same treatments if it truly does cure. There are patients that swear by drinking gallons of carrot juice a day, eating a complete plant based diet and taking a million different natural supplements. Part of me would love to try these different alternative treatments but the other part of me is scared to death of the unknown that these treatments may have on our bodies. First of all I can't even eat vegetables at all with my "special" diet they have me on but second of all I am terrified of anything else upsetting my belly at this point I don't even want to try it unless I know I will be OK. I know this completely goes against my new way of living for today but when it comes to your gut, I feel like it rules your whole body. Maybe someday :)
Well for now I will keep doing my "New Normal" and hopefully in time it will improve along with all my little aches and pains. My complaints are so minimal compared to others, I do know how extremely lucky I am :) So until then I am going to keep moving forward with my busy life that I love. I am going to stop saying the, "Before I got sick", phrase though so if anyone hears me say that I give you full permission to remind me that I wasn't sick :)
Friday, October 9, 2015
I hope I can help somebody with my Story.
It's been a crazy last 30 days. Half my month was in the stupid hospital and the other half was recovering from said hospital stay. I remember when I was in the hospital I kept thinking I have to be better before October 6th. Even if they ended up operating, I HAD to be able to get to October 6th. This date for me was a day that I was scared to death about but still excited at the same time. It was kinda like how you feel on your first day of a new job, or the way I felt when I delivered my babies. October 6th to me was the day that I promised myself I would do as I laid in the hospital after my big surgery. I had no idea back in February how this was all going to play out but I had a very deep conversation with "My" Nurse ( I say that because she ended up being so much more to me) about moving forward from this life altering event. I spoke to her about how I wanted to help other people that were going through this same surgery before or after and pay it forward like some had done for me. I feel like I have to point out that this surgery that I had "Cytroreduction and HIPEC" is coined the mother of all surgeries for a reason. For instance mine was 9 separate surgical procedures combined with a concentrated, heated chemotherapy bath in the abdomen once all the cancer was removed. I told my nurse that it didn't matter to me what someone's diagnosis was, we were all in the same boat having this crazy big surgery which is something exceptional. She told me that she knew I would do just that. Fast forward to July when my doctors office called and asked me to be a speaker at the HIPEC symposium that they were having in October. Without hesitation I said yes I would love to! I hung up and immediately thought OMG what did I just get myself into but then at the same time I thought I have to do this for so many reasons. Leading up to this last month, I had my mind set on speaking so when I got sick I was praying that everything would work out because I needed to do this speech.
Last week I started working on what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, and even taking long baths so I could practice to myself in peace. Days leading up to the actual conference I sat down and spoke to my husband about what I wanted to speak about. I had spoken to my surgeon who just told me to tell my story, diagnosis, surgery, after care and anything else. I even spoke to one of my dearest friends and she sent me videos to reference of other patients that spoke at different symposiums. I decided right then that I didn't really want to get too technical about what exactly transpired during the surgery, or even the technical parts of what they removed. Anyone that had the HIPEC or was leading up to it knew that it is a gamble on what will happen when you are operated on. They also know how extreme this surgery is, so I think I was ok leaving that bit out. I really wanted to touch base on the mental and physical side of the diagnosis, finding my surgeon and the post op.
October 6th came, I did not remind my family, or my friends that I was doing this. I just got up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready and go. My husband, mother-in-law and bestie came to support me. The first person I saw was one of my greatest friends through this experience so I gave her a big hug and she told me I would do great. We all listened through the different speakers, learning more and more about my disease and so many others treated with the HIPEC surgery. It was very interesting and we learned so much that we did not know before. Now it was my turn, I had told my family and friends that I was there and that if I did not look at them it was because I didn't want to cry. I walked up to the podium and looked up into the almost completely full auditorium and the first people I looked at was my family and friends and I knew that I was going to be ok, with no tears :)
I told my story that day to a full auditorium of medical professionals, patients, and caregivers. I felt so good after I did that! I walked away with survivors, doctors, nurses, and caregivers all thanking me for speaking from the heart. I had survivors walk up to me with tears in their eyes saying how they could whole heartily relate to my experience and I was brave for doing this. My surgeon asked me if I was trying to get him to cry, and if you knew my surgeon I think you would be surprised by that:)
October 6th, 2015 at 11:30am, I did something I would have never done before my diagnosis. I put away all my fear and talked about myself. Go figure :) I would do this again and again. I did this for myself in so many ways but I really did this hoping that I could help somebody with my story!
Last week I started working on what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, and even taking long baths so I could practice to myself in peace. Days leading up to the actual conference I sat down and spoke to my husband about what I wanted to speak about. I had spoken to my surgeon who just told me to tell my story, diagnosis, surgery, after care and anything else. I even spoke to one of my dearest friends and she sent me videos to reference of other patients that spoke at different symposiums. I decided right then that I didn't really want to get too technical about what exactly transpired during the surgery, or even the technical parts of what they removed. Anyone that had the HIPEC or was leading up to it knew that it is a gamble on what will happen when you are operated on. They also know how extreme this surgery is, so I think I was ok leaving that bit out. I really wanted to touch base on the mental and physical side of the diagnosis, finding my surgeon and the post op.
October 6th came, I did not remind my family, or my friends that I was doing this. I just got up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready and go. My husband, mother-in-law and bestie came to support me. The first person I saw was one of my greatest friends through this experience so I gave her a big hug and she told me I would do great. We all listened through the different speakers, learning more and more about my disease and so many others treated with the HIPEC surgery. It was very interesting and we learned so much that we did not know before. Now it was my turn, I had told my family and friends that I was there and that if I did not look at them it was because I didn't want to cry. I walked up to the podium and looked up into the almost completely full auditorium and the first people I looked at was my family and friends and I knew that I was going to be ok, with no tears :)
I told my story that day to a full auditorium of medical professionals, patients, and caregivers. I felt so good after I did that! I walked away with survivors, doctors, nurses, and caregivers all thanking me for speaking from the heart. I had survivors walk up to me with tears in their eyes saying how they could whole heartily relate to my experience and I was brave for doing this. My surgeon asked me if I was trying to get him to cry, and if you knew my surgeon I think you would be surprised by that:)
October 6th, 2015 at 11:30am, I did something I would have never done before my diagnosis. I put away all my fear and talked about myself. Go figure :) I would do this again and again. I did this for myself in so many ways but I really did this hoping that I could help somebody with my story!
Thursday, October 1, 2015
I consider myself Lucky :)
I have written about this before, but I do consider myself blessed beyond belief. I look at what I have been through this last year, or even what I have gone through in life and I have always been a big believer that every situation could be worse. I have been told more times than I can tell you how nice it is to see me stay so positive and smile even with what has been going on. My response is and always will be, I don't have a choice in what I am going through so I need to make the best of it and it could always be worse.
Let's face it, I know some people will argue with me that there are ways to fight cancer, or even ways to prevent cancer. For some cancers there is ways for prevention but for most, it is simply the luck of the draw. It is nothing I ate, nothing I could eat different now, nothing I did to my body, It's not that I didn't pray enough, nothing I could do different in the future, and simply IT IS WHAT IT IS. I cannot live my life every day wondering what I could have done different because I couldn't do anything about it. When I do have those moments of weakness or sadness I immediately try to turn that off (sometimes it takes a little bit :) and switch gears to why I am so lucky and blessed even through it all.
There are so many examples I could give you on why I am so lucky, but I will just name a few: I am so lucky that my cancer was found at a point that I had options to treat it and was able to go through the surgery with a successful outcome of removing all visible cancer. Do you have any idea how many people cannot even have their cancer removed and have to live on maintenance chemo for the rest of their life just hoping that it will keep the cancer stable. I am so lucky!!!! What about how lucky I am to have such a huge support system in my life, with my family and friends. My last stay at the hospital was very hard on me but my husband and father were by my side the whole time. I was never alone. The lady next to my room, had to have been around 70 years old and never had a single person visit her the whole 6 days that I was there. She was all by herself and would scream out for people to help her because of her pain. I cannot even imagine being sick, alone and at a hospital with no loved ones to be there for support. I wanted so bad to just go sit by her and hold her hand so she knew someone was there for her just like I had people there holding my hand always! I am so lucky!!!!!
I run into people every day that have daily complaints about what is going on in their life or even around them. For instance there is someone at work that complains every day about something usually work related. Yesterday the complaints were about another employee that he thought did not deserve to work there because he is better than that employee. I simply sit there with a smile from ear to ear and let him complain away about what ever he feels is necessary. When it is all done, I say "You need to consider yourself lucky and not spend anytime on the small stuff you are stressing out about". I know he thinks I'm crazy but I do mean that with all my heart. When you gripe about work, stop yourself and consider yourself lucky that you have a job. If work does not make you happy, it's time to find something different that does. I know changes are hard, believe me when I say I KNOW! However if you need to make necessary changes in life to be happy, no matter how hard these are, you must do it! I have made several changes in life to make sure that I am living my life to the fullest and for my happiness, and these were very difficult changes. One example: my first marriage.... By doing that I met my soul mate and the last 17 years have been the best years of my life, I AM SO LUCKY!!!!! My point of all this is when things seem so stressful, ridiculous, not fair and even depressing, remember that there is always something or someone that has it worse than you and you too are so lucky no matter what the situation is. I am going to keep smiling, and staying positive!! I am going to live my life considering myself one of the lucky ones, no matter where this road takes me and I challenge you all to do the same exact thing!!!!!
Let's face it, I know some people will argue with me that there are ways to fight cancer, or even ways to prevent cancer. For some cancers there is ways for prevention but for most, it is simply the luck of the draw. It is nothing I ate, nothing I could eat different now, nothing I did to my body, It's not that I didn't pray enough, nothing I could do different in the future, and simply IT IS WHAT IT IS. I cannot live my life every day wondering what I could have done different because I couldn't do anything about it. When I do have those moments of weakness or sadness I immediately try to turn that off (sometimes it takes a little bit :) and switch gears to why I am so lucky and blessed even through it all.
There are so many examples I could give you on why I am so lucky, but I will just name a few: I am so lucky that my cancer was found at a point that I had options to treat it and was able to go through the surgery with a successful outcome of removing all visible cancer. Do you have any idea how many people cannot even have their cancer removed and have to live on maintenance chemo for the rest of their life just hoping that it will keep the cancer stable. I am so lucky!!!! What about how lucky I am to have such a huge support system in my life, with my family and friends. My last stay at the hospital was very hard on me but my husband and father were by my side the whole time. I was never alone. The lady next to my room, had to have been around 70 years old and never had a single person visit her the whole 6 days that I was there. She was all by herself and would scream out for people to help her because of her pain. I cannot even imagine being sick, alone and at a hospital with no loved ones to be there for support. I wanted so bad to just go sit by her and hold her hand so she knew someone was there for her just like I had people there holding my hand always! I am so lucky!!!!!
I run into people every day that have daily complaints about what is going on in their life or even around them. For instance there is someone at work that complains every day about something usually work related. Yesterday the complaints were about another employee that he thought did not deserve to work there because he is better than that employee. I simply sit there with a smile from ear to ear and let him complain away about what ever he feels is necessary. When it is all done, I say "You need to consider yourself lucky and not spend anytime on the small stuff you are stressing out about". I know he thinks I'm crazy but I do mean that with all my heart. When you gripe about work, stop yourself and consider yourself lucky that you have a job. If work does not make you happy, it's time to find something different that does. I know changes are hard, believe me when I say I KNOW! However if you need to make necessary changes in life to be happy, no matter how hard these are, you must do it! I have made several changes in life to make sure that I am living my life to the fullest and for my happiness, and these were very difficult changes. One example: my first marriage.... By doing that I met my soul mate and the last 17 years have been the best years of my life, I AM SO LUCKY!!!!! My point of all this is when things seem so stressful, ridiculous, not fair and even depressing, remember that there is always something or someone that has it worse than you and you too are so lucky no matter what the situation is. I am going to keep smiling, and staying positive!! I am going to live my life considering myself one of the lucky ones, no matter where this road takes me and I challenge you all to do the same exact thing!!!!!
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