Just when I was getting comfortable.....

On Labor Day we went out on the boat after a very hectic, busy week.  I was not feeling too good that morning but I just thought it was a stomach ache.  It was weird though, because for the most part I felt like I was back to normal, or as normal as I could be ;)  I remember taking pictures of the kids and my husband  and then all the sudden telling him that we needed to go back in because the pain was becoming unbearable.  As I lay on the floor of the boat, my youngest was rubbing my back and kept asking if I was going to be ok.  To be honest I had no idea if I was going to be ok but I would smile at him and tell him of course.  We pulled into the dock and all I kept thinking about was getting the boat cleaned up and closed so we could go home.  The pain was so bad at this point it would take my breath away so I knew I had to go into the emergency room.

Once we got to the hospital I told Eric that he was going to have to explain my situation to everyone because I couldn't talk, nor did I feel like educating everyone today.  The nurse asked me right away if I wanted some pain medicine but NO not me, I'm tough and I could work through that pain.  Then another attack came and my husband told them to give me pain medicine pronto.  Thank god!!!  After some tests they determined that I had a bowel obstruction.  The funny thing about that was after my surgery that was always my biggest fear.  I never thought it would come on all the sudden the way that it did but I can tell you that the pain was the worse pain I have ever felt in my life, it even beats natural childbirth by a million.......   These obstructions can come from two different things, recurrence of the cancer or adhesions from the surgeries.  They felt confident that mine was from adhesions but you know my mind starting racing, for obvious reasons.  The only thing they could do is rest my belly... no food, drinks or anything by mouth.  Also, the dreaded NG tube had to be reinserted to keep my belly dry during this rest.  The general surgeon said that he could give me 72 hours to see what happens but after that we would need to operate.  I just could not imagine getting operated on again, it was too soon and this surgery would be a big one also!  I remember my belly starting to wake up and the hospital immediately took tube out, put me on liquid diet and made sure I was good before they discharged me 24 hours after I started eating again.  It all happened quick but I thought maybe that is how it all worked.  Looking back, the general surgeon did tell me that I was doing better so he was going to discharge me because they needed my bed..... True story!!!

Went home and did ok the 1st day but still couldn't eat or drink much.  Within 24 hours I became deathly ill, not keeping anything down, couldn't get out of bed and now it had been 7 days with nothing in my belly.  We made the choice to go directly to my surgeon in Illinois and thank god we did.  When I got there they said I was in such bad shape that my heart could have stopped.  My dehydration was off the charts, all my veins where collapsed , they couldn't get me hydrated quick enough.  It took over 24 hours of them just pumping fluids into me non stop, along with the happy NG tube that I had to have put back in (2 in one week was terrible).  I put on my fighting gear like I have had to do in the past and went into beast mode to get myself better.  My poor husband and children:  I hate seeing them so worried about me.  My husband will just do what it takes to take care of everyone without asking for any help from others. The food that was delivered from many of our friends did help!!   My youngest son cried a lot, was unable to focus at school and spent a lot of time talking to the counselor because he is so worried.  My oldest son goes on with his days but makes sure every night he tells me I look beautiful even with that ugly thing in my nose.  My daughter is very busy with her junior year of college and being a student athlete so she takes as much time out as she can. I received so many supportive texts and messages from my friends and loved ones that I felt the power behind them to get better.

Things did start to turn around but It took another 6 days in the hospital.  Two weeks total was a long time to just abruptly interfere with our lives.  Once again it gave me direct insight on how quickly things can change in life and how scary these things can be.  I am happy to be back home and trying to get back to some kind of normal, but I have been living in fear since I have been released because I do not want to go through that again.  I am still on a liquid diet and very scared to change that.  I know it will get better in time and this is just one more hurdle I have to fight myself on.  As comfortable I was starting to feel with getting back to some normalcy in our life, this is like starting all over for me.  Does anyone know what it is like to fight with yourself to stay positive?  It wears me out but I am going to keep fighting to get back to a somewhat more comfortable place.

The real hero's are the Caregiver's

It has been a a couple of weeks since I have updated my blog due to my extended vacation in the hospital :(  Today marks my 11th day in a hospital give or take 24-48 hours when they sent me home and thought I was getting better.  I want to complain about not eating any food in 11 days but this is also the 11th day of being away from my boys, which trumps anything else I am feeling.  As I sit here in my room I notice other family members and friends visiting other patients on the floor.  The looks on some of their faces reminds me instantly that no matter what I am going through my heart breaks for my husband.  He has been by my side through my illness and with this new road block he is once again having to carry this heavy stress of taking care of me and our children.  Let me give you an example of a day in my husbands life....  Cancels all work to drive me to our Illinois hospital because I am so dehydrated that it is dangerous.  He holds my hand and rubs my back as they have to put a new NG tube down my nose all while he has a tissue wiping away my tears. Rubs my back as I throw up.  Sits at my bedside to be at my beckon call along with the nurses questions and answers because I am to weak to speak and the tube hurts to much.  Doesn't eat anything because he is so stressed out about me that he cannot even think about food.  Has to arrange for a close family friend to get the boys off school bus because he doesn't want to leave me alone just yet.  Helps me wash up and get settled before he has to kiss me goodbye to drive 1 1/2 home to get the boys homework done.  Then he has to do his coach duties and go hold practice for the soccer team.  Now it is 8pm and a drive thru is going to be dinner of choice because he simply has run out of time.  The whole time he is worried about me, texting and calling me to make sure I am ok.  He puts his phone by his ear so if I call in the middle of the night he can get the call and he stresses to call him no matter what time.  The next day he gets up, gets boys up fed, lunches made and drives them to school to just turn around and hit the highway for the 1 1/2 drive back to me and repeat the same schedule over the next day.   I am simply amazed by this man!  I have told several people before that no matter how I suffer as the patient the real hero is the caregiver and that is 100% truth.  If you have someone you know that has been in the caregiver position currently or in the past give them a hug for me!  Sympathize for them because that has to be one of the hardest jobs on this planet to care for your loved ones as they are suffering or in pain while watching it all unfold at the same time.  My dad has traveled up to spend time with me in the hospital to try to help my husband as much as possible.  I am so lucky to have so many people as cheerleaders to get me better and I have no way to every be able to repay them for this.  The one thing I want to do is make sure that everyone knows that they are the real hero's!