It's that time again :(

I have been fighting with my mind lately because my next scan is coming up next week.  It is so hard, I wish I could even explain what goes through my crazy head.  The worse is my time alone with just myself.  When I am alone, I am my worse enemy by far. That is definitely when I cannot get it out of my mind. I think about my the what if's, the future and that leads to very nasty dreams.  The dreams keep me from sleeping so that is not helping the issue at all!  My husband will tell you that I have always been a very emotionally needy person and I do not argue with that.  I am not materialistic by any means but I am the worse when it comes to the emotional side.  Since my diagnosis my husband has taken on more of my emotional needs then ever before, it's a heavy load he has been handling and he needs a vacation at this point :)  The other day he told me that he cannot even keep up with me.  I went from not wanting to do much to wanting to do everything and all of the time.  He said we still have to work and we have other obligations but there is a reason that I am like this now.  I don't want to miss out on anything, I don't want to stop enjoying every second we have, I don't want to stop making memories and the biggest one is I don't want to have that alone time because my mind will automatically turn to those ugly thoughts.  This week has been the hardest for me since my diagnosis because he is out of town most of week.  I still have the kids and I still am trying to keep busy but then nighttime comes which leads to that nasty dreamland.  I believe that I have taken this disease on with as much positivity as one person can but the downfall is when my scan is nearing I get scared. I go into anxiety mode where I don't want to go to the doctors, I don't want to go into that closed MRI for 2 straight hours, and I don't want to wait for results because that is the absolute worse!  So as you can see then I get pissed and I have to find a way to turn it around.  When my husband is here, he saves me but when he is gone (like now) I have to save myself from these thoughts.  So I am going to have to find a way to get through these times by myself because my husband cannot be attached to my hip all the time ;)  I need to find a way to not let myself get so scared every time I have another scan because they are going to be every 3 months for a couple of years and I don't want to waste anytime worrying.  I do think it is good that I want to stay busy all the time, I wasted to much time in the past not smelling the roses ;)  I do need to give my husband a little space as much as I love being so close to him ALL the time ;)  Most of all at night before I go to bed and after I say my prayers I am going to think of something beautiful, like the sunset, or the beaches we visited this summer, or my children's faces.  By doing this I will not be closing my eyes with my last thought having to do with my fears.  It's that time again and I will have to do it for the rest of my life so I have to just learn new ways of coping through it, and I will....Another new normal