Wisdom does come with age

This must be the week for reflecting back on what I thought I knew then... but really know now.  It all started with something I read that went something like in 20 years you will not remember the things you did do but the things you did not do.  Now go back 20 years and think of how you would have taken that same exact sentence.  I know we all have said this before but what would have happened if we knew then what we know now?  I can tell you personally my life would have been a lot different.  My old self was a quitter when it came to hard situations.  I would rather have walked away from a troubled relationship or a uncomfortable conversation that needed to happen.  However today that would never happen, I would fight for those relationships and as much as I didn't want the conversation to happen I would put my fears aside and just do it.  That goes along with anything associated with my children.  I have GREAT kids!  I have said it before but I mean they are all so good, loving, compassionate toward others and smart.  That is why I get so upset when I hear of other kids doing or saying bad things to my kids.  There have been situations over the years that I have done my absolute best in doing the politically correct stance when it came to telling my kids to ignore them or telling them that we don't know what is going on with them at home so maybe that is an excuse for their actions.  I gotta tell you that is not me today.  No one knows how much time we have here  and I need to teach my kids everything I know, whats right and wrong, how to treat people and also how to handle these uncomfortable situations.

There was a situation at a public place a couple of weeks ago where my youngest was pushed down by a kid that was 3 years older than him as I watched the whole thing.  I composed myself and thought if that was my child I would want to know that he is picking on someone else.  So I went up to the boy and told him that I was the boys mother that he just shoved down and would like to know where his mother is.  Now this is crazy because I would have never done that before but times are different.  The boy did not want to show me where his mom was so it never did get resolved but the point of this story is actions have reactions.  I would never let anything happen to my kids and I now I won't be able to stop it but I want them to know it is OK to confront it because I would want the same thing if the roles were reversed.  I have to teach them these life lessons as we go along because god forbid something happened I don't want to think about the things I did not do while I was here.  I can't forget about the million questions that they ask on a daily basis, why do people smoke, have you ever smoked marijuana, have you ever stolen, why do people rob banks..... Those are always fun to answer ;)

Then there was this situation where simple words hurt more than actual pushing or shoving.  My son told me how this boy would stand behind him every day and whisper in his ear how he was stupid and no body liked him because he was a nerd.  My son said he would try to ignore it but obviously was hard to ignore and brought him to tears.  That was a hard one because I wanted to march right into the school and cause a stink about him being bullied but my son did not want that because he didn't want it to cause more problems.  So I reassured my son that this kid must be jealous of him and that is why he would say such horrible things.  I also told him that he was going to have to find a way to stay completely clear of this boy because I could stay quiet for a little bit but it was my job to stand up for my son and I would do that if I had to.  Over time he did just what I said and there were no problems with him anymore.

 Now comes the hard lesson to teach, heartbreak.  How do you teach this to your children?..... My daughter has suffered from a broken heart before and the hardest part for me is to keep her strong through it.  I reinforce that she deserves better, she is too young to be tied down and she has all the time in the world to meet her dream guy.  Looking back 20 years ago, if someone was there to tell me that I would not have listened to a bit of it so I don't know why I expect my daughter to.  So instead I am going to be there for her if she needs to vent, cry or just scream and most importantly be there for her and at the same time let her try to figure out on her own how to get over a broken heart.  This is one of the hardest parts of being a parent for me, how do I see my kids hurt?  This is going back to the mean kid, sometimes just showing my kids my actions of being strong and not being afraid will help them get through some of these heartbreaks (hopefully).  It also may take them awhile to get it but at least I feel like what I am showing them now will carry with them someday.  I have so much to teach my kids so I need to use my time to make sure my husband and I continue to raise them into the superstars they are!  I don't plan on going anywhere but I am realistic when it comes to the fact that no ones time is guaranteed while we are here so every second is so important.  My cancer has lit so many fires under my butt that I do wish I had done in the sooner, but I am doing it now and I hope if there is one thing my kids do take away from my fight is to fight for those relationships, be strong always and do not fear those conversations that have to happen to get resolved.  I am still gaining wisdom as I grow older but I am passing on every bit I have today.

This Birthday was different from the rest :)

The week started out with my anxiety level in full gear.  No sleep, my mind racing continuously and doing everything I could to keep as busy as possible.  Then Wednesday came; my day was going to filled with appointments.  I left the house at 5 am to get to the hospital for my 7am appointment.  When I get nervous I tend to talk alot, well really I tend to talk alot normally so when I'm nervous I could sound like an auctioneer at times.  The nice man that has done my MRI's before told me that my last MRI was 2 1/2 hours but this one he was going to get me in and out in a hour.  If you have ever had a closed MRI you totally understand that a 2 1/2 hour MRI deep in the tube of the machine was a bit overwhelming so I was over the moon excited that it was now cut in over half.  After that my next appointment was with the hematologist.  This was my first time with her because the doctor I saw locally was a basket case and I needed to talk to someone that knew what they were doing.  She explained that I in fact do not have leukemia like the other doctor said but that she could almost guarantee my problem was my iron level, so more blood needed to be taken.  I left her office and walked across the hall to my awesome surgeon who always greets me with a big smile and joke of some sort.  He excused himself to read my results and as he came in so did my hematologist and almost simultaneously they gave me good news.  The blood clot I had in my portal vein after surgery was gone and I can stop taking my blood thinner, yay!!! The blood test came back that I was extremely anemic with very, very low iron levels probably from the surgery and my spleen being removed so I have to take Iron supplements to try to get that back up ( I can live with that).  The biggest news of all was no tumors or mucin was seen on the MRI which means I got a clear scan!  All that worrying up to that point just washed away in a split second and I was over the moon happy.  It had been 9 hours of test, doctors, more test and then results to get those words but I will do that every 3 months to hear the same results.

Now I can travel to see my family for the weekend and celebrate my birthday.  I was going to go visit them no matter what but I am sooo happy that I got to go with a clear head :) I don't know if I have been so excited to celebrate a birthday ever.  If you would have asked me a year ago how excited I would be to turn 42 I would have looked at you like you were joking.  Present day I would have told you a different story about my birthday.  I was celebrating the fact that I just got a 6 month clear scan.  I was celebrating the fact that my blood clot was gone.  I was celebrating that I got to see my best friend which always makes me so happy.   I was celebrating that my husband is right by my side to celebrate with me as always. I was celebrating that I got to see my family who I do not get to see often enough.  I was celebrating the fact that I feel so good physically and mentally I would have never thought I would after my surgery 6 months prior.  I was celebrating that I have so many people around me that love me and that I love.  I was celebrating that I was turning 42 because that means I am alive!!!  I had a birthday weekend like I have never had before and anyone that was around me could tell you that I do not think I stopped smiling, dancing, laughing, and singing the whole weekend.  This Birthday meant something else to me that I never really got excited about in the past, it meant that I was lucky enough to be here and to celebrate getting older.  It was different from all the others but I bet next year will be just as awesome :)

It's that time again :(

I have been fighting with my mind lately because my next scan is coming up next week.  It is so hard, I wish I could even explain what goes through my crazy head.  The worse is my time alone with just myself.  When I am alone, I am my worse enemy by far. That is definitely when I cannot get it out of my mind. I think about my the what if's, the future and that leads to very nasty dreams.  The dreams keep me from sleeping so that is not helping the issue at all!  My husband will tell you that I have always been a very emotionally needy person and I do not argue with that.  I am not materialistic by any means but I am the worse when it comes to the emotional side.  Since my diagnosis my husband has taken on more of my emotional needs then ever before, it's a heavy load he has been handling and he needs a vacation at this point :)  The other day he told me that he cannot even keep up with me.  I went from not wanting to do much to wanting to do everything and all of the time.  He said we still have to work and we have other obligations but there is a reason that I am like this now.  I don't want to miss out on anything, I don't want to stop enjoying every second we have, I don't want to stop making memories and the biggest one is I don't want to have that alone time because my mind will automatically turn to those ugly thoughts.  This week has been the hardest for me since my diagnosis because he is out of town most of week.  I still have the kids and I still am trying to keep busy but then nighttime comes which leads to that nasty dreamland.  I believe that I have taken this disease on with as much positivity as one person can but the downfall is when my scan is nearing I get scared. I go into anxiety mode where I don't want to go to the doctors, I don't want to go into that closed MRI for 2 straight hours, and I don't want to wait for results because that is the absolute worse!  So as you can see then I get pissed and I have to find a way to turn it around.  When my husband is here, he saves me but when he is gone (like now) I have to save myself from these thoughts.  So I am going to have to find a way to get through these times by myself because my husband cannot be attached to my hip all the time ;)  I need to find a way to not let myself get so scared every time I have another scan because they are going to be every 3 months for a couple of years and I don't want to waste anytime worrying.  I do think it is good that I want to stay busy all the time, I wasted to much time in the past not smelling the roses ;)  I do need to give my husband a little space as much as I love being so close to him ALL the time ;)  Most of all at night before I go to bed and after I say my prayers I am going to think of something beautiful, like the sunset, or the beaches we visited this summer, or my children's faces.  By doing this I will not be closing my eyes with my last thought having to do with my fears.  It's that time again and I will have to do it for the rest of my life so I have to just learn new ways of coping through it, and I will....Another new normal

That song reminds me of....

I've tried many different methods since my diagnosis to simply relax and escape my mind for a moment.  I also had a lot of trouble sleeping right after my diagnosis. My doctor suggested meditation as a way to deal with the anxiety that was keeping me from relaxing and sleeping. I did try it and I am sure if I was a little further past my diagnosis it would have helped, but I could not shut down my mind long enough to even mediate for a second.  Then I decided it would be good for me to work and when I say work, I mean work a lot to try to zone out my situation.  That was ok for a little bit, but then I just got upset that I was working all the time.  Some would say silence would be good for me, a long bath, shopping, or even just sleeping.  Sounds good in theory but none of these worked for me.

 I was on the way to work one morning, listening to music on my phone and I caught myself strictly focused on nothing but the music I was listening to.  Every song that I have on my phone tells a story to me: where I was when it came out, who it reminds me of or just the words bring up memories of the past.  This was the first time that I was able to smile and reminisce of old times.  It's funny when you think about what music means to some people. Maybe some don't put much thought into it but I did at that moment.  I can remember how my sisters and I thought for sure that we were going to be the next JJFAD as we would each rap our designated part to "Supersonic" back in the late 80's.  I remember laying in bed during my mom and dads get togethers in the early 80's and hearing the stereo scream through the house "Superfreak" by Rick James.  My dad had a huge vinyl collection that I can still remember what the album covers looked like because I wanted so much to have my own collection.  I would make a goal of recording songs on my cassette tapes and rewinding back and forth until I memorized all of Diana Ross's songs.  My grandparents always would play music through their house and my grandpa sounded just like Perry Como, I can still remember him singing through the house and my grandma just smiling :)  I laugh about my Violent Femmes stage, I still dance like a maniac when I hear "Blister in the Sun"!  I could listen to Bizarre Love Triangle every single day and I recently learned that my best friend loves it as much as I do. Music played a big part of my young years, that's when certain songs would remind you of who you were dating at the time or where you were when it was on, like the skating rink.  Then I can't forget our pastime of cruising the strip and seeing who had the best stereo system with the most bass in the trunk of their cars :) Wow, I laugh just thinking about Rob Bass blaring out of my yellow 1974 Vega :)

 Of course my husband and I have our song that we danced to at our wedding "I could not ask for more", the perfect song for how I feel about him then and now.  I laugh thinking of the song that reminds me the most of when I met my husband, all I will say is that it is by  Nine Inch Nails ;)  My kids will tell you that I really do think I can sing. I sing and dance with them all the time.  I have even made up personal songs for them that they still can sing along as they grow older.  Life is about making memories :) Then there are those songs that don't make me laugh but bring tears to my eyes.  I can't even listen to some songs that bring back such bad memories like the song that was playing at my grandma's funeral, and now added to that list is the song that blowing up the radio on the way to almost every doctors appointment after my diagnosis.  Instead I choose to listen to the music that makes me smile, the music that makes me sing as long as I can and the songs that make me dance like a wild child.  I was looking for something to take my worries away for awhile, my own personal mediation and it was all loaded on my phone the whole time.

 I saw a quote today by a unknown artist  that really says it all, "MUSIC, speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul".  I am so grateful for music in my life helping me through good times and bad.  Next time you are having a bad day, or just need to escape for awhile turn on some of your music memories and I can guarantee an instant smile.