My whole life I have a been a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. I know sometimes it does not make sense why things happen the way they do, but I am that person that says there has to be a reason. So much in my life has made me a believer in this saying. The way I grew up, although not the best situation, made me the strong, independent person I am today. The losses in my life, although heartbreaking and devastating, looking back are because on earth they were suffering and now they are at peace. Marrying so young and that marriage failing only led me to be at that bar (nice...), on that night and to chase down the man of my dreams to make sure he had my number :) I could go on and on about why I think there are signs in life but when I was diagnosed I started looking back into the timeline of my cancer being found and then I knew they were all signs. Starting with turning 40, I firmly believed that everyone that said 40 is the new 30 was full of crap. I hated turning 40, I was in the worse shape of my life, tired all the time and did not want to even be seen in public. When I turned 41 I finally made a doctors appointment, for me that is a big deal because I just don't go to the doctor. I walked into the office and told my Doc that the 40's suck and I can't keep going through this month after month. He told me whoever told me that they were fun has been lying to me so he gave me some suggestions to help me through this lifestyle change. I immediately said sign me up, when can we get this done. That is not usually my way of doing anything that is related medically, I would stay clear of even going to the doctor because I just knew they would find something wrong but this time was different. I came home and told my husband about the out-patient operation and he reminded me that he was on a job that weekend. After checking around everyone was going to be out of town that weekend, my daughter, my in laws and my husband. They all wanted me to post-pone the surgery but I said "no way, I will be fine and the boys are old enough to be able to do some things by themselves." I knew in my heart I had to have this operation. When I went in that day and the doctor told me what he found I immediately thought that is why I pushed so hard do this. When I started to research it myself, even before we got the actual diagnosis, I knew what I had and thank God I decided to do this elective surgery that everyone was saying to just put off!! Since my cancer is so easily misdiagnosed it could have been years to find it. Aubrey Hepburn passed from my exact cancer but they found hers too late. Her sons now say that they think she had symptoms 20+ years prior to her actual diagnosis. My surgery had more of a reason than I even ever would have imagined. The next thing that happened was we were in open enrollment for our health insurance. We are self-employed, so we are self insured and it is very expensive. Like many health care policies, it wasn't great coverage. Thank god I had the option to chose another policy and go from a HMO to a PPO plan. That option gave me the flexibility to go anywhere for health care where the HMO was going to keep me in my area with no specialists. This all happened 2 days before my actual diagnosis. How does that happen!! How do I get a choice to choose a better policy just 2 days before my diagnosis.....How lucky could we be? The day I had to sit in my doctors office and get the actual diagnosis was the one of the hardest days of my life. Even though I knew what it was going to be my heart sunk to the floor and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing the whole time for crying ( I have no idea why ). My husband held my hand the whole time as my doctor and him discussed what do moving forward. My husband decided he was on a mission to find me the best of the best to take care of this, but before that he wanted me to have my favorite meal, all the way in another town 40 minutes away. When he got out of his car at the restaurant he looked on the ground to find 4 brand new shiny pennies. He immediately sent me a picture and said this has to be a sign. Those actual pennies have been with us in his pocket to every single doctors appointments, surgery, and hospital stay. Sounds weird right, they're just pennies but it has to mean something. Recently my daughter and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant (yuck) and she was talking to me about me growing old and what would I want her to do to take care of me to make me comfortable, such as moving in with her etc. It was actually a deep conversation about growing old and death which is strange coming from a 20 year old but she was curious so I answered every question she had. I do think when you have any type of cancer you don't think that far in advance. I then opened up my fortune cookie and it said "You are going to have a very comfortable old age"...... Again, how does that happen.
These type of signs have been happening to me my whole life. They send chills down my spine but I know that everything happens for a reason. I know some are not believers but I do think the reason that I feel this way is because I am always trying to find a positive in every situation. I think that by looking at all these situations in life as a blessing, or that everything happens for a reason that it pushes me to always think about the good in every situation. I know it sounds strange to some but I am very happy that I was diagnosed when I was. It has helped me realize what life is all about and to live it with all that I have. How lucky we are to have this chance in life to find the positives in everything that we do. There are signs all around us.... all the time :)
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