Do you believe in signs?

My whole life I have a been a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason.  I know sometimes it does not make sense why things happen the way they do, but I am that person that says there has to be a reason.  So much in my life has made me a believer in this saying.  The way I grew up, although not the best situation, made me the strong, independent person I am today.   The losses in my life, although heartbreaking and devastating, looking back are because on earth they were suffering and now they are at peace.  Marrying so young and that marriage failing only led me to be at that bar (nice...), on that night and to chase down the man of my dreams to make sure he had my number :)  I could go on and on about why I think there are signs in life but when I was diagnosed I started looking back into the timeline of my cancer being found and then I knew they were all signs.  Starting with turning 40, I firmly believed that everyone that said 40 is the new 30 was full of crap.  I hated turning 40, I was in the worse shape of my life, tired all the time and did not want to even be seen in public.  When I turned 41 I finally made a doctors appointment, for me that is a big deal because I just don't go to the doctor.  I walked into the office and told my Doc that the 40's suck and I can't keep going through this month after month.  He told me whoever told me that they were fun has been lying to me so he gave me some suggestions to help me through this lifestyle change.  I immediately said sign me up, when can we get this done.  That is not usually my way of doing anything that is related medically, I would stay clear of even going to the doctor because I just knew they would find something wrong but this time was different.  I came home and told my husband about the out-patient operation and he reminded me that he was on a job that weekend.  After checking around everyone was going to be out of town that weekend, my daughter, my in laws and my husband.  They all wanted me to post-pone the surgery but I said "no way, I will be fine and the boys are old enough to be able to do some things by themselves."  I knew in my heart I had to have this operation.  When I went in that day and the doctor told me what he found I immediately thought that is why I pushed so hard do this.  When I started to research it myself, even before we got the actual diagnosis, I knew what I had and thank God I decided to do this elective surgery that everyone was saying to just put off!! Since my cancer is so easily misdiagnosed it could have been years to find it. Aubrey Hepburn passed from my exact cancer but they found hers too late.  Her sons now say that they think she had symptoms 20+ years prior to her actual diagnosis.  My surgery had more of a reason than I even ever would have imagined.  The next thing that happened was we were in open enrollment for our health insurance.  We are self-employed, so we are self insured and it is very expensive. Like many health care policies, it wasn't great coverage.  Thank god I had the option to chose another policy and go from a HMO to a PPO plan. That option gave me the flexibility to go anywhere for health care where the HMO was going to keep me in my area with no specialists.  This all happened 2 days before my actual diagnosis.  How does that happen!! How do I get a choice to choose a better policy just 2 days before my diagnosis.....How lucky could we be?  The day I had to sit in my doctors office and get the actual diagnosis was the one of the hardest days of my life.  Even though I knew what it was going to be my heart sunk to the floor and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing the whole time for crying ( I have no idea why ).  My husband held my hand the whole time as my doctor and him discussed what do moving forward.  My husband decided he was on a mission to find me the best of the best to take care of this, but before that he wanted me to have my favorite meal, all the way in another town 40 minutes away.  When he got out of his car at the restaurant he looked on the ground to find 4 brand new shiny pennies.  He immediately sent me a picture and said this has to be a sign. Those actual pennies have been with us in his pocket to every single doctors appointments, surgery, and hospital stay.  Sounds weird right, they're just pennies but it has to mean something.  Recently my daughter and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant (yuck) and she was talking to me about me growing old and what would I want her to do to take care of me to make me comfortable, such as moving in with her etc.  It was actually a deep conversation about growing old and death which is strange coming from a 20 year old but she was curious so I answered every question she had. I do think when you have any type of cancer you don't think that far in advance.  I then opened up my fortune cookie and it said "You are going to have a very comfortable old age"...... Again, how does that happen.

These type of signs have been happening to me my whole life.  They send chills down my spine but I know that everything happens for a reason.  I know some are not believers but I do think the reason that I feel this way is because I am always trying to find a positive in every situation.  I think that by looking at all these situations in life as a blessing, or that everything happens for a reason that it pushes me to always think about the good in every situation.  I know it sounds strange to some but I am very happy that I was diagnosed when I was.  It has helped me realize what life is all about and to live it with all that I have.  How lucky we are to have this chance in life to find the positives in everything that we do.  There are signs all around us.... all the time :)

What path will I choose now for my career.....

Those that know me know that I have always worked.  I have always earned my own money even from a young age, I would give away my nights, weekends, and summers to babysit.  I was forced to grow up way before my time, so when it came to responsibility, I was always wise before my years (I guess you could say)  I moved out of my house while I was still in high school to try to escape the disfunction.  I worked full time as an assistant manager of a shoe store and went to high school full time to get my diploma.  I never really knew what I wanted to do when I grew up except be a mom, so that's what I did. I was married young and had my daughter right away.  I invested my time in my daughter and helping my ex-husband find his career job a firefighter.  That left me working to help support the family, but not doing anything I enjoyed.  I am a hard worker though since I started so early and no matter what I did, I put my all into it.  Years went by and life changed for me quite a bit.  My grandmother was the only woman role model I had growing up and she was my everything. She also provided me with a sense of normalcy in my life.  She passed very unexpectedly and that caused major depression which did end up leading to the demise of my first marriage.  Being young, with a young child I felt a bit lost on what to do with myself.  It wasn't like I was not use to supporting myself but now I had another person that was my sole responsibility.  I jumped into another career which I was terrified of: a loan officer for a mortgage company.   I met my husband while going through this life transition and he was my biggest cheerleader helping me along the way while I got started.  This was huge for me because not only did I get paid a very good salary I also got paid a lot of commission on the loans I produced. I loved helping people and that helped me become very successful, making very good money, earning awesome vacations and being recognized in the top 10% loan officers in the company out of over 2000 employees.  That did not come without sacrifice though: Very long hours and lots of stress.  After my boys were born I decided to cut back and take a big pay cut to become a loan processor.  It was much better hours, still great pay but not all stress that would steal time from my family.  I still did not know if this is what I wanted to do with my life but I was content just having a great job and still working like I had for my whole life.  The kids were getting older and I had been thinking about finally investing in myself to do something for my long term career.  My husband would tell me all the time to just quit work and go to school, or stay at home with the kids.  I just don't have it in me not to work so I did quit my job but took another job with more flexibility so I could go to school.  It took me 5 years of working full time and going to school year round, but I finally earned my bachelor degree in Social Work with a minor in Psychology.  I decided that I wanted to work with children but specifically children that grew up the way I did: with unhealthy environments, substance abuse and domestic violence.  I wish I had someone that could've been there for me growing up, even just to talk to, that understood what it was like. Being a social worker would give me an opportunity to be that person for someone else. I can tell you that it was very challenging, working, raising a family and going to school but once again with the help (I mean lot's of help) from my wonderful husband I graduated when I was 40 years old!  With many smiles and tears of happiness I decided my next move would be to earn my masters in Social work so that I could move forward with my dream.  I knew that I was not going to make a lot of money, I had been there and done that, I wanted a more meaningful career, one that would make me feel like I was doing something in this world.  Now we come to the present day.  I was all ready to start my degree at IUPUI school of social work but my life has changed once again.  After my diagnosis I had to invest my time in making sure that I was going to survive this beast. That mission became my full time job.  I went back to work 5 weeks after my surgery because it helped me mentally heal. I now have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do next.  I could go back to school and invest all that time into my masters but that would take time away from what is most important: my family. So I have decided that I probably won't be making that move to further my education. Instead, I will use my education that I have already earned and start volunteering at some local agencies that offered me work after I graduated.  I think I will start working with children like I had planned to do, but do it as a volunteer until I find the exact place that I am suppose to be.  It is crazy to think I will be 42 in a few weeks and I am still trying to find my path. Even so, I have been awakened in a whole new way with my diagnosis and I know my heart WILL lead me in the right direction :)

How my cancer has changed my children.

When we found out I had cancer we immediately started thinking how we were going to tell our children.  My daughter was just turning 20 and she was watching the boys the day I got the actual diagnosis.  When I walked in the door and saw her face I could not hold back my tears.  The thoughts that were going through my head were crazy, I really thought I had to explain to her how I was going to pass away from this.  As I was explaining the scenario to my daughter or at least what we thought was going to happen, she managed to keep it together as she and my husband told me that we were going to get through this.  She is not really a girl of many words unless she feels like it :) She did post a picture of the two of us on social media and to me this was her reaching out to her friends to explain that she was going to need some shoulders to lean on. She was not going to show me this because she decided that she needed to help me be strong.  After we went through telling our daughter we then tried to figure out how to tell our boys.  They are 12 and 9 and as different as the sun and moon.  Our 12 year old is the most loving, caring, sensitive boy and he also worries a lot more than most kids his age should.  Our 9 year old is spunky, outgoing, social, and has a hard time showing others that he has this sensitive side because somehow that would take away from his coolness ;)  It was only 2 weeks before Christmas so we did decide we would get through the holidays and then figure out what to tell the boys.  It was hard at times though because I was still in my melt down stage, and could not control my tears whether it was at the store, at church, or just watching TV.   They would ask me what was wrong and I would just tell them nothing.

 After the holidays passed we found out what my treatment was going to be we knew that we had to tell them something because it was going to knock me off my feet for a little bit.  We decided to tell the boys that I was having my appendix removed and it was a big surgery so they at least knew that something was going to be happening.  We did this because they only associate cancer with death and we did not want to scare them too much.  After the surgery and during the recovery we still did not tell them much because we wanted as much consistency as possible when it came to the boys.  It has been over time that I have started to notice some changes with my children and this has all been since I was diagnosed.  We recently went on a long vacation and I personally stepped way out of my comfort zone to explore and do things I have never done before.  The looks on my kids faces were priceless as they would smile ear to ear as they saw me dive into this new normal view on life.  My youngest would say, "Mom it was so cool that you did....."  My oldest son would just come up and hug me so tight, and my daughter would just encourage me to keep trying these different things.

  There are quite a few situations of my children changing since I was diagnosed that I will just note a few.  My daughter and I were having a day together and she tells me out of the blue how she wants to not miss anything in life.  She wants to go to the football games at school, or do those school activities because they will never happen again as she gets older.  She wants to experience things that she would make excuses before to not do.  As she was explaining this to me I could only think that is how I think now after 42 years but it only happened after I got diagnosed with cancer.  I was so happy that she has realized this now and not later in life like myself.  She will say she is not a introvert if you asked her but she is, and when she tells me she is going to make sure she doesn't miss these opportunities I could only cry inside with happiness.

 I have had a few situations where I have been sick or not felt good since my surgery. I try not to let the boys know but the other day I was running a small fever(which Is a big deal because my immune system is so low, especially with no spleen) and my youngest immediately got really upset and told me he doesn't want me to go to the hospital anymore.  He asked if he could lay with me and then he took my temperature every 5 minutes to make sure I was OK.  The look of concern on his face was like I have never seen before and I hated that he had to worry about me like this!  If someone says something about cancer he immediately pipes in with how happy he is I had my "period" surgery so they could find my cancer and remove it.  We never explained this to him he just picked it up over time.  My oldest son has been giving up time with his friends a lot lately.  At first I didn't really understand why he would not want to do the sleep overs or the hanging out but then I heard him tell his best friend that he just wanted to spend time with his family.  Looking back he is staying very close to me lately, whether it is just holding my hand or coming up and hugging me and telling me I am beautiful for no reason. He is and always has been that loving boy but now he wants to make sure I feel this love every day.  I would love to say that cancer has changed my children for the better with all these different situations but only time will tell.  I can only tell you that every day I see a different way that my diagnosis has changed their lives and so far it has only shown me how they are opening their eyes to this new normal way their mom has to live and they are right by my side :)

An escape from reality

We just got home from a 12 day unbelievable vacation.  In the past when we went on vacation I know we always had fun and made memories but this time was very different, for me especially.  I found myself wanting to absorb every second and to try as many things as possible, especially those I have never tried before. I went snorkeling, swam with the fishes, did water slides and even danced on a bar!! I wanted to make sure everyone had a great time and I especially wanted to see the smile on my kids faces.  Looking back on vacations we have taken in the past, I realized how much I missed out on because I was scared or just plain boring.  This vacation was different for me and had a much different meaning.  I did not think much about what was going on at home or what was going to be going on when we got home.  I did not think much about the money we were spending or even how much things cost (which you know that is not me at all :) I did not worry about what I ate or how much weight I was going to gain, lol!!!  I also did not think much about my disease or what it has done to me up to this point.  I did find myself tearing up sometimes when I saw the rainbow over St. Thomas as we were pulling into port, or the sunrise in the morning on the beach or the excitement on my kids faces as they told me how much fun they were having.  The little things make me so happy:)  There was only one time that I found myself fall off the positive wagon and that was when Eric told me that he wanted to book another trip like this one in the future.  I told him that I was scared to book to far in advance because I did not know what the future held but he quickly reminded me that I cannot think that way because we were going to plan our future and nothing was going to stand in our way.  I know that I need to keep those thoughts out of my head but the reality is that sometimes, no matter what moment I am in, those demons do creep up on me.  I just have to knock them down and keep on keeping on :)  After our cruise we went to see my sisters.  It was a great way to end a great vacation and although I was very sad to leave them I knew that I had to go back to reality.  Even though I am not on some Caribbean island somewhere, I am still going to do things that in the past I was too intimidated to do.  I am still going to make memories with my kids with everything that we do.  I am still going to tear up when I see something as beautiful as the sunset or hearing my kids laugh.  I am not going to worry about the future and I am definitely not going to let it stop me from living!  Whenever I want I am going to escape from reality, even if it is just when my mind takes me back to these beautiful times and this beautiful vacation.