A very emotional day for me so far and I have been told that is ok from time to time. It isn't because I am in pain because I push through the pain. It could be that the tears are happy tears. Yesterday we had a wonderful family day and so many blessings that make me smile, like when Kyle was trying on shoes at Dick's and told us he needed to test them out as he continued to run around the little track in the shoe department :) I am sure the tears could be the sadness and grief I feel for a old friend from school that passed away unexpectedly yesterday. Even though they are old memories, the memories are still there. She was such a great person that I was always quite jealous of because she was liked by all. The tears are definitely for her best friend that now has to find a way to go on without her by her side in the present life. I cannot even imagine not having my best friend here by my side..... I know that I am crying because I read some stories of others that have my same cancer that are suffering everyday as they approach their end of life with no way to stop it. Some of my tears are for sure happy tears for a friends little boy that is celebrating his birthday today 7 years cancer free and how can you not get emotional over those great stories of miracles :) I cry sometimes out of the little things my kids do to make me smile, like when they tell my I am their favorite mom(as if they had a choice:) Or when my 9 year old son dedicates a song to me and tells me it is our song "Fight Song". I have been very upset lately that my dear grandfather is not doing so well after he fell a couple of weeks ago and pray he will find the strength to keep getting better. I also cry over a loved one that is going through some scary medical test and hoping that everything will work out for him and he will not have to go through anything like myself. I woke up last night upset after a very bad dream about my upcoming scan. I have heard others talk about Scanxiety and did not put much thought into it but now since Wednesday is fastly approaching, my heart is beating a little faster. I try not to cry when Eric looks me in my eyes and tells me everything will be ok and how strong I am but that fails every time. I am sad that every 3 months I have to find a way to not get the Scanxiety. I find myself very emotional when my daughter sent me a picture from her first formal at college, she is the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen!
Sometimes my tears are simply from fear alone. There are so many fears in life we all challenge on a daily basis and I would guess most people have my same feelings of letting the tears flow. I do know that my tears however are not just shed for sad times but for the happiest of times. I tend to cry when I am filled with happiness and joy. It does feel better to let it all out at times but then I have to grab a tissue and keep counting my blessings.
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