The Hardest part of my journey to date

When I think of the hardest part of finding out my diagnosis, it has to be with my children.  My daughter could not be any more perfect than she is.  She has always been such a GOOD girl, and I know we all think our kids are good but let me tell you she truly is!  Then comes the day that I was diagnosed and had to walk into the house and look at her.  I had been crying for days so she knew what was going on, to a point,  but she kept telling me that it would be alright.  She looked at me and my heart sunk, I told her my worst fears were, in fact, my reality.  She does not like to see me cry so she somehow kept it together, with just a few tears shed.  Her exact words were "You are still here and you will be fine".  My 20 year old daughter was consoling me and keeping my chin up, she is mature beyond her years!  We specifically talked about not telling the boys.  There are a few reasons behind that and one of them was that it was Christmas time.  The other concern we had was that we didn't want them to worry and disrupt their normal activities.  My oldest son is a very gentle hearted boy, kind to everyone,  who would lose sleep every night if he thought something was wrong.  My worry for my youngest son would be that he would associate my cancer with a young boy at school that had been fighting for his life with brain cancer.  I decided to take the easier road and instead of explaining, try to ignore and move on like nothing was wrong.  They knew I was going to have surgery on my appendix, but that was all. Little did I know that the day before I left for surgery would be the day I couldn't keep it together in front of the boys.  That day was a roller coaster for me. Not only did I spend my days before surgery stocking up on everything around the house but I also put together my boys important information, meals, activities, school work, and daily patterns for my mother-in-law, who was so kind, and took a leave from work to help us with the boys. I had to start my prep for the surgery and did not want the boys to see me go through that again. It was the second time in two weeks, so my in-laws came over to gather up the boys and all their stuff since they were staying with them through my hospital stay.  When that moment came and I had to say goodbye to them, I have never felt that way in my life.  My heart sunk to the ground and my anxiety kicked in full throttle.  Honestly, there was nothing I could do to stop holding them and stop the tears from flowing.  I knew in my heart that I would fight this with everything I had but I also could not help but to think that I had to say goodbye to them for now, for a week , for a month, I had no idea how long...  I tried to keep thinking that hopefully my prayers would be answered to have a successful surgery.  As we were hugging, the boys both looked at me and repeated what my daughter had told me weeks before... "You will be fine"  My children, my life, my everything, the reason I fight so hard, and the reason that I will be fine :)