I have realized how much I have changed my outlook on things since my diagnosis. It is amazing to me how much something like this can make you open your eyes to what you may have been missing on a day to day basis. I did not recognize this immediately but over time I am seeing how much more free and open I am to certain situations then I was before. For instance, I would have never just planned a long vacation on the spur of the moment, let alone not save for it far in advance. However, I did just that the day of my scan. I came home and I booked our family on a 7 day cruise only one month away and really didn't even think twice about it. I shocked myself on that one! I have always said that I want my children to experience things I never had the chance or opportunity to as a child and we have always worked hard to do these types of things with our family. The difference is that I am a TOTAL Type A personality (some say controlling:-) saver, future planner, and not a bit of me can do anything on short notice without a complete anxiety attack. I did just the opposite of everything I am by booking this cruise, and I have not second guessed that decision a single time! I also in the past probably worried a bit to much about what other people thought about me and I hate to admit it but a lot of that had to do with my insecurities about my appearance. My husband did a lot of events and socializing without me (not by his choice) for that reason. I felt more comfortable just staying at home and missing all of the parties, games, and other social events. Now I look back and think what the HELL was I doing. I cannot even believe that I let my insecurities get the best of me and miss out on so much over the years! As great of a husband as I have, it was very upsetting to him that I would not include myself in more things in the past. I can tell you though the look in his eyes today when I say I will do things I never would have done before is simply priceless! I am not here on this earth to try to impress anyone, or try to get people to like me. I even got out on the dance floor with my youngest and danced without a single other person out there dancing, and not even thinking for a second that people might be looking at me, can you believe that?!!! I am who I am and that is a wife to an amazing man, a mother to 3 remarkable children, a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, an aunt, a cousin to many and don't forget a great friend. Quite frankly those are the people on earth that I live for and I do not want to sit at home a single minute and miss anything with them. Speaking of family, that is one thing that I am taking more time for. I am talking about my distant family, the ones that don't judge you but love you unconditionally no matter how far they are away from each other. The family that found out about my diagnosis and called or texted me on a daily basis just to make sure I was OK. The ones that came to our rescue, helping in anyway they can to get us through this hard time. Moving forward I am not going to go weeks not speaking to my loved ones because I am just so busy. What a sad thing to say that you are too busy, and unfortunately in the past, I would always think I had tomorrow to call or plan to see them. If I would know then what I know now I would never even use the word "busy" when it comes to family because we never know what tomorrow brings and those times should not ever be taken for granted.
If you know me, you know that I have always said that life is too short when it comes to our actions in the present but unfortunately it took my cancer to realize that I did not always live up to my own words. I now am noticing this and I never want to say that I wish I did something, or that I had any regrets in life moving forward. I want to do things I have never done, visit places I have never been and live life like I should have been this whole time! I am especially going to dance like no one is watching and with "Not a care in the world".
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