Farewell to 2015

We are only a couple of days away from putting 2015 behind us.   This year started out with a bang and is going to be finishing the same exact way.  I struggled last year at this time, trying to wrap my head around the fact that my whole life was going to change.  Not knowing what my future was going to hold I immediately made a decision to live my life different moving forward.  The first item on my to do list was to get the cancer removed and try to recover quickly from that crazy surgery so that I could start on my goals.  I did just that, survived a radical surgery, and forced myself to recover fast so that I could literally smell the roses.  I went from literally being someone that hated to leave the house, to someone that could not wait to jump out of bed and get out of the house.  My husband thought/thinks I am crazy but he secretly loves it at the same time :)

In 2015, we traveled, a lot!!!! We took long walks all the time.  We spent basically every last second with the family, and even made sure that we spent more time with extended family.  We took long drives and spent a lot of time out on Lake Michigan.  I spent money.....this is funny to all that knows me and my saving ways :)  I bought that bedroom set that I have talked about for the last 10 years.  I actually bought myself things, instead of always buying for others and coming home empty handed.  It felt soooo good!!!   I finished many of the nights on the porch with my husband and a wine bottle.  I kissed more than I ever kissed and hugged more than I ever hugged. I did not stress about my house being cleaned!  That is really crazy because I did not even care if anyone came over and saw it.  I did not let anything or anyone with negativity be around me or my family, nothing but sunshine and lollipops in this house!! I did not care for one second what other people thought about me because I know I am a good person and not everyone is going to like everyone.  I was actually ok with that for the first time in my life :)   We tried to spend as much time as we could with friends old and new, and we had so much fun doing this.  I allowed myself to get close to some of these people that over the years I had lost touch with, not by choice but because life got in the way.  No more life getting in the way for me, I wanted everyone to know I loved them and I made sure I told them every chance I got.  I know it sounds cliche but I did not sweat the small stuff at all. I prayed more than I have in my whole life, sounds so bad but 2015 taught me the power of prayer.  Most importantly, I had a great 2015, full of memories and full of life. It was one for the record book.  

Of course there were some parts of 2015 that I could have totally done with out.  I don't really even feel like I need to waste my time talking about what I wished didn't happen this year because it wouldn't change anything.  It is what it is and as much as it sucks I can either let it tear me down or I can tell it to kiss my ass and fight on, I chose the latter :)  

The first week of 2016 my husband and I will be traveling to Baltimore so I can have a complete consultation with one of the best doctors out there, and to put together a game plan moving forward.  Until then we will ring out the new year with some great people, and toast to a brand new year.  I would say better year but even with the bad that came in 2015, I don't know if we could beat all the amazing times we had!  The challenge is on for 2016, bring it on because I am SO READY :)

December 19th.....

It's been 19 years since my grandma passed away on this day.  It is a day that part of my heart was taken.  Any one that knew my grandma would have have told you what a wonderful and great women she was but I saw her as so much more.  She was my idol, my mentor, my best friend, my mother, my grandmother and my hero all wrapped into one person.  She was the only stability that I knew growing up and I lived for all my school breaks and summers where I would go spend them with her. I would watch every move she made to only someday try to be just like her.  Her traditions that she created for her family, the love that she showered for all and most of all her charismatic personality that shined for all to see.

December 19th, 2006 I called her at 5:30am in the morning to let her know that we would be coming to celebrate Christmas a little early due to my then husband's grandma passing that night.  My grandma was up every day before the sun drinking her coffee and listening to the radio except that day.  My grandpa answered who was asleep but didn't know where she was.  I am on the phone with him as he found her gone sometime in the night... That phone call would forever change me. We jumped in the car to travel our 4 hours to not only mourn one grandma but now two.  I was young, only 23 when this happened but I pulled it together and jumped right into her position of making sure the traditions stayed in place for the children.  She had already prepared all the meals and froze them, wrapped all the presents and set out the place settings.  We celebrated her life as we mourned her but we also had to celebrate Christmas because she would not have wanted it any other way.  I can remember it like it was yesterday. We all have had a day that we will never forget but 12-19-06 is one of mine.

She was the rock of the family, the glue that held it all together, the voice for us all.  When she left us the family would forever be different.  The holidays, the checking in with each other and the whole around dynamic of the family would never be the same.  It was hard for me because even though I was her granddaughter, she was my mother.  My life spiraled out of control for a couple of years as I tried to find my purpose once again.  I did when I met my husband 17 years ago, but she was always there cheering me on.  I do believe that she led me to my husband in some way, knowing that I needed him in my life.

Christmas was her favorite  time of the year and I have figured out ways to exactly celebrate with my family the way she did with hers.  Our house is decked out with Christmas cheer galore.  I bake cookies for a week and freeze dozens of them to hand out to my family and friends, just like she did.  I make her famous twice baked potatoes to have at our Christmas Eve celebration.  My sister comes with her family all the way from Florida because it's not Christmas without them.  We all get new Christmas pajamas to wear because she started that tradition.  We line up youngest to oldest to enter a spectacular room full of joy and presents on Christmas morning.  Most of all we are all here and together to celebrate this time of the year.  She has left me with so many memories that I will cherish for my life.

I will forever remember this day and my beautiful angel that shines down on me.  I know she is watching out for me and doing everything she can to keep me positive  and healthy while picking me up when I am down along the way.  I am so lucky that I get to carry on her traditions and celebrate this time of the year with my favorite holiday  and with my family and friends.  Instead of sitting back and talking about how I remember the past, I make the most of my present time and make sure my children will carry on these traditions some day for their family and friends the same way I did.

The call that took my breath away......again

I have been contemplating lately on whether I really wanted to write my blog anymore.  I started this blog to release some of my thoughts, to provide some type of therapy for my wondering mind.  I am not a writer, and actually I would say my weakness has always been writing.  When I was encouraged to start a blog I decided to throw my fears out the window and just give it a try, for myself.  This has been one of the best things I have done to help me on this journey.  When my head is full and I can't fit anything else in, I write a post :)

Moving forward this post is a little different and was very hard for me to write.  I actually didn't even know if I would write again, or if I would just wait until this bad dream has passed.  I was told by my dearest friend that the blog isn't for anyone else it's for me and I need to keep it up!!! So that is just what I am doing, I am going to release all of these thoughts, fears and plans.  With that being said, exactly one year ago today I was told that I might have some "Pseudo" blah, blah, blah disease that is kinda like cancer but not really cancer and don't worry we will figure it out.   I went straight to Google and it didn't look like it was something I should NOT worry about, it looked like I definitely needed to worry about it!  I immediately went into a state of numb, shock, depression and was worried that I would not be here to celebrate another holiday with my family.   Everything I did I would think this is going to be my last one so I gotta make it good!  I would worry about not being here for my children.  I worried about crazy stuff, like how I wouldn't want my husband to remarry (I know I am completely selfish).  My mind went crazy.  It was very hard being diagnosed with cancer, worse then I could ever imagine.  I quickly snapped out of those thoughts and decided I had to fight, so that is exactly what I did.  Fast forward to my big surgery in February.  I made it through and despite everything my body and mind had been through I was living life to the fullest no matter what!

My last blog I talked about how hard it was to wait for my results and I wondered why I had to always wait.  This time I had to wait because the results weren't good and they wanted to clarify a few things before calling me.  My doctor did not want to call me with these results the day before Thanksgiving, nor did he want to tell me them at all.  When he called he did not even have to say anything because I could tell by the tone of his voice something was wrong.  He talked to me but all I heard is they are concerned with the latest MRI.  I don't even know what happened because I went to find my husband and I couldn't breath at all.  I could not even tell him what the doctor said because I didn't hear much besides recurrence and concerned.  My husband called back to get the story from the doctor and basically there are some spots where they removed my cancer that are showing back and after they looked at my previous scans these same spots showed up on the 3, 6 and 9 month scan.  The doctor wouldn't say 100 % recurrence but he did not say it wasn't either.  When asked what it could be if not a recurrence, the doctor said he didn't know..... it's 50/50 right now.  There goes my thoughts because in my head that would mean that I was never cancer free, everything that I went through was not successful.  In my head that would mean that not even 9 months after my life saving surgery, that it was still there.  That means that the same exact time last year my world was turned upside down and this must be Deja Vu...... This cannot be real.

I feel really bad because so many people do not even get to experience a complete surgery where all the cancer was removed.  I considered myself one of the lucky ones, not as much disease as others and having a complete surgery.  I had low grade cancer, so I was lucky there also.  The thing about this cancer is that it is very sneaky.  We knew there was always a possibility of it sneaking back up but we must have been in some denial to think it was going to be so soon.  I am so pissed off I cannot even tell you.  This time last year I was a crying mess.  This year I could literally explode with anger. I think boxing would be good for me right now....  I cannot even believe one year almost to the date we were going through the same emotions but I feel so different now.  I told someone that I feel like the shoe dropped last year but this year the other shoe was taken off and is just smacking me upside the head, over and over and over again.  I HATE CANCER!!!!

We have had over a week to talk, try to get more answers and come up with our next game plan.  At this point my doctor wants to see me again the end of January for another scan.  One of my dearest friends told us how to have my pathology confirmed with John Hopkins, so we have just finished all the details of that.  My husband, family and friends have all said that a second set of eyes should look at my scans, records and history to get a second opinion so we are doing that also.  I probably won't have any answers until next week on the pathology but we basically are just double checking everything just to make sure that nothing is different.

I hate being negative so I am making sure I smile for all my blessings daily.  I have to keep my head out of the clouds and once again realize how lucky I am to be able to have options moving forward.  I am pushing through again because every second is so precious.  I am not going to tell my boys this new set back because right now we just don't know what's going to happen.  I couldn't breath at first when I got the call but my closest friends and family have stood by my side once again to make sure that I don't let myself fall.  I will continue to fight on, because I am a wife, a mother, a sister, and a friend and that's what we do!!!

The struggle is real....

The time was coming up for my 9 month scan and check up.  I have said before that I do feel like at times I am on a 3 month break from dealing with cancer, that is until my date starts approaching.  About a week before my scheduled date I do find myself getting a little off, not sleeping well and anxious.  It is hard to explain to anyone that has not lived with cancer so I tend to not talk about it.  I am still working out the best way to deal with these appointments where I do not let it consume any of my time, I just haven't found the magic puzzle piece as of yet.  My appointment was suppose to be the day before my Bro-n-law's last chemo treatment and I was sooooo excited for us both to be continuing to take steps forward in our journeys.  Then I got the call that my appointment needed to be pushed up to the day before Thanksgiving.  Ugh, I already had my mind absorbed on this certain day but what can I do about it.  Another week was not going to kill me but it was going to consume more of my time mentally.....

My scan days start at 3:30am because we have to drive 1 1/2 to get there and the blood work has to be done before the 7am MRI.  What really stinks about that is I get no sleep the night before for obvious reasons so I am basically a stress ball at this point.  After my blood work, then 2 hour MRI my next appointment is with my hematologist who has been keeping a very close eye on my Iron.  Since my surgery I am having a hard time absorbing the nutrients I need and one of those is Iron.  I am extremely anemic so she wants me to start getting Iron infusions through a IV to try to correct this.  Now it is 11am and time to see the doctor for my appointment and results.  That is not really how it ever goes though, my results are never done by then.  The doc sent me to get my infusion and told us to come back after to get the results.  At 1pm we did just that and he could not get the results to pull up on the computer and he had to head to surgery.  He told the nurse that he would call us later after surgery and she guaranteed he would.  Now at this point I have been doing my test, appointments and treatments for 7 hours so here comes my breakdown.  I have and do a very good job of keeping it together but my poor husband could not help me with this one.  All the way home I was upset, frustrated and just mad about everything and I mean everything.  I don't think I have had a breakdown so bad since I found out my diagnosis.    It all came out at once and basically all came down to the fact that I am suppose to be able to go in and jump through all these hoops and then leave with my results.

That night came and went with no call.  I knew about 9pm the doc wasn't going to be calling.  Now the part that really sucks at this point is I knew he was going to be out of the office until Monday since the holiday.  So now I had to mentally wrap my head around the fact that I would not hear anything until then.  The hardest part for me and I am guessing anyone else that has to wait for results is you start analyzing why your waiting, is there a problem?  I go back and forth between thinking he didn't call because everything is good, to he didn't call because it's not good.  I know I am my worse enemy when it comes to this.

Thanksgiving helped because I stayed busy with family.   I was having the after effects of upset belling and nausea from the infusion but I have definitely been through worse.  Then I made my daughter and husband help me finish the outside lights, against their will :) We topped it off with some black Friday shopping but for ourselves :)  I got a good night sleep because I simply wore myself out.  Today I am going to do the same thing and tomorrow and the next day, stay so busy I wear myself out and maybe with the help of some wine ;)

When it comes to Scanxiety, I think in time it will get better but I am still so new at this.  When it comes to expecting things a certain way, I should just always expect the unexpected just like my diagnosis.  When it comes to staying positive, I do and I will but everyone has those moments of weakness and Cancer does not help that.  When it comes to the future, this is part of my future and I think that being mad at times is ok but just for short amounts of time.  When it comes to being blessed, I am blessed beyond belief and realize that daily!  When it comes to the struggle of everything that comes along with my new normal, the struggle is real.

My youngest baby :)

I was just laying in bed reflecting on my youngest son's basketball game yesterday.  He really is a very good athlete in most of the sports he plays but he is crazy competitive and can't stand to lose, I mean CAN'T stand to lose!  Yesterday his game was off and when that happens he gets frustrated beyond belief, so next will come tears.  I don't care how many times my husband and I tell him that he cannot cry, it's just a game, it still happens and is out of our control.  That turned me into one unhappy mama because I don't want to see him over on the bench crying because of a 4th grade basketball game and I know that he is pulling every excuse out of his pocket on why he is upset which none of them are the real reason.  We came home from that game and gave him the talk about why he cannot do that, and how the other kids don't get upset like that, and on and on to try to get him to understand. It becomes very exhausting for his father and I as we try to calm him down while he is battling us on how we don't know how he feels :(

Today my mind immediately went to yesterday and the times before when this has happened.  I realized that I am to blame for this, I am the one that held him for the first 2 years pretty much non stop.  I am the one that would try to instill in the kids how important it was to do their best and with him to always stay on his game no matter what giving 110% at all times.  I am also the one that won't let him play impact sports such as football because I don't want him to get hurt :( I also am the one that thought we were going to have another child after him but after years of trying it did not happen so I quickly realized he was going to be my last one, my baby so I treated him like just that....

My youngest of course does not know anything about my writings but someday he will and he will love the attention!  He loves to talk, talk and talk.  He will carry on a conversation with any adult any day of the week and talk right along with the topic at hand.  He was on the phone the other night with his Poppy about college basketball and it never ceases to amaze me how much he remembers from the previous years, players names, stats, etc.  He carried that conversation on until we made him get off the phone.  He will ask us deep questions about life, things that most 9 year olds would never even think about, like political questions, about wars, about family members that he realizes he doesn't see very often and is trying to analyze why.  He will have full on debates on topics that he feels strong about such as Obama :(  He also catches on to everything! He wants everything to be fair, for everyone in the world!  He makes good friends with every teacher he has had and he still will help them in their classes, and talks to them all, almost daily.  He wants to play every sport he can because he really wants to be the best at everything(and already thinks he is ;).  He told me that his plans are college IU basketball and then on to the NBA but he wants to buy our house from us so that he can live there and raise his family, but we have to live with them :)  He would play with absolutely anyone that would play with him, sometimes if there is no one to play outside with he will just stay outside by himself and his imagination.  He loves to just watch movies but with me by his side.  I could go on and on about all the awesomeness that he has, the list is remarkable!

Looking back on yesterday makes me realize that we do have to work on his frustration when playing sports but in a lot of ways that is just my son.  He is passionate, very competitive and gets frustrated like some when things don't go his way.  This has been a very hard year for all my kids but he has had the hardest time out of them.  His emotions have been high from the beginning, he always would ask me if I was going to pass away.  He wears his feelings on his sleeve so he has dealt with this so different then his siblings.  That tears my heart to pieces that he has had such anxiety and worries about my illness.  That is one reason it was so important for me to push myself to get better so that no one had to worry about me.  As normal as we tried to keep things for all of them sometimes it just is not possible.  Every child is so different and have such different needs while they grow.  There is no manual on how to raise your children and every parent has their own personal ways.  We make mistakes I am sure of it and will propably make more.  My husband and I revolve our lives around our kids and although sometimes it is a struggle to know whats right from wrong I think we are doing a very good job considering!  I didn't have very good role models growing up so I decided to change that cycle as an adult and do everything completely opposite from my childhood. Sometimes I feel like it backfires because I tend to over compensate but  I wouldn't change anything about the way we have parented and we are still learning every day :)  My youngest, my baby is who he is I love that a about him !!

Enough with the Past, On to the future!

This week has been a rough one on so many different levels.  I started the week a bit emotional and was having a hard time getting over those emotions.  I am part of these support groups online that are directed for my disease only.  The problem I have is that I personally only want to see all the positive things and when something sad or depressing happens it totally pushes me into the same sad emotions.  There was a man that has had this cancer for 10 years I believe.  I found his story online when I first got diagnosed because he started his own charity to contribute to the fight.  I was so happy that he has been able to fight through this disease after multiple surgeries and every complication possible (it seemed).  This week started with his passing and even though I did not know him personally it really hurt to see this.  I did not tell my husband what it was that was making me so emotional but since he is on this same support group he knew immediately that I was affected by this.  He really does not think I should be part of this group because I do have such a hard time with the bad news, or the grieving.  I really thought I could fight through those feelings but I do agree with what he is saying.

That led my husband to immediately go into let's turn that frown upside down mode and told me that we were going to get out the Christmas Decor because anyone that knows me knows that Christmas is my holiday :)  He put on the holiday music and laid with me on the floor as we one by one fixed those damn lights on the Christmas tree that went out last year.  We did this with every lighted decoration we had so now they are all like new!!!  Last year I got diagnosed the same exact time we started decorating for Christmas so a lot of our normal traditions did not matter at that moment.  We did decorate last year but half the decorations didn't work or stopped working and we just didn't care.  We got through the holidays but then just shoved everything into storage at the end so we had a real mess to deal with this year.  Surprisingly we got everything out and working and it worked wonders for what started as being a very somber day for me.  Crazy how decorating for Christmas can be such a therapeutic thing to do :)

Almost a year ago my Grandma A passed away.  She had been sick for awhile, up and down but couldn't fight any more so her body gave up.  As weird as it sounds I did feel a sense of relief that she was not suffering anymore and would not have to go through the pain anymore. It was still very hard to see my Grandma A go but I do believe she was at peace with going and that did help me with my grieving.  My other Grandma E passed away 19 years ago and that was very hard on me.  She was only 65 when she passed very suddenly and unexpected.  She was like a mother to me so we had a very different relationship then most have with their grandma's.  Both of my grandma's were such amazing ladies with beautiful souls,  I was so lucky to have them.  This week has brought up the sadness of losing  both of these  amazing and lovely ladies but I know they are taking care of me from heaven, watching over me at all times :)

The week has finished with someone I love to death going through a very hard time right now.  I can't be there physically for this person because I live to far away but I want to emotionally be there in any way I can.  I spent most of the last 2 days just talking, and trying to help them get through what seemed impossible.  It's very hard for me because I wish I could take away all of the past pain, and problems that keep somehow coming back after all these years.  Our past gradually lingers in the shadows and those demons seem to poke out every once in awhile and affect our present day.  I somehow manage to kick them down and not let them affect the person I am today but others have a harder time with that.  I did finally get to the point where I made it clear that what happens in the past of course contributes to the adults that we have become but we DO have control to let those demons come around or not.  We have a choice how we live as adults and what happens in the past we cannot undo but we can learn from it moving forward.

So much of this weeks draining emotional roller coaster has to do with the past.  Today I got out of bed thinking, "Enough with the past, on to the future!" We are all on borrowed time so let's make the best of it while we have the chance!! So on to more family time spending decorating the house , YAY!!!

Better play it safe

This weekend was Halloween and we had a crazy busy day.  First on the agenda was going to one of our good friends little girl's birthday party.  Then off to another good friends house for a night of trick-or-treating for the kids and cocktails for the grown ups :)   I love days like those with so much to do and no time to stop.  I know it sounds so crazy but I LOVE those days!   We had such a great time that part of me wished it did not have to end and hoping we have more of those nights soon.  There is just something about being around great people, all else goes away with no worries in the world.  I cherish these types of days and do often reflect on how lucky I am to be able to have them :)

My poor hubby has no choice (with me) anymore about being proactive on his health care.  I basically made him months ago get a full check up just to make sure everything was good.  His doctor ordered the blood work, and threw in an order for a colonoscopy.  It has been a few months, but this week was his turn for this heavenly procedure :)  I kept telling him that we just have to be on top of this because it is all about early detection and since cancer is everywhere around us we better play it safe :)  I am sure by Monday night when he was going through his wonderful prepping he was giving me an earful that he kept to himself. :)  Tuesday was the day, he was hungry, grumpy and worried.  If you know my husband, you know that he does not do a very good job of not worrying about things.  He also is very good at directing his attention on taking care of his family and not so much himself.  After it was all done the doctor, who I know, came in and was asking me about my recovery.  My husband, still very much drugged up from the procedure, pipes right up and is talking his ear off on how good I am doing, and how he believes that my cancer is gone forever.  I just sat there and smiled because he didn't even have his eyes open while having this full on conversation lol!

The doctor said all is good and saw nothing at all so my husband can come back in 10 years, YAY!!! On the way home my husband seemed a little down, but not in a bad way.  He told me that he was so glad that everything is ok with him because he truly believes that he is here to help me with this roller coaster of life.  At first I really didn't think much about that sentence but then last night I was laying in bed and basically what I came up with is that he feels like he was put in my life to see me through it with his love and help :)  Now that started my tears flowing and I couldn't help but to feel somewhat guilty that my poor husband worries about me all the time, even when things seem to be going great!  That is a lot of pressure for one person to put on themselves.  This is just another way my diagnosis has changed the way I live and the way my husband lives.  We all would do the same for our loved ones in their times of need but to have him tell me that is what he knows he is here for in life was the most pure thing I have ever heard him say.  These everyday revelations are real and is who we are since December 12, 2014.

Going back to why I wanted my husband to get checked up is simply because I couldn't live without him... I know that we are all on borrowed time and anything could happen in a split second but for now I want to take all the health precautions we can.  They say that cancer will affect 1 out of every 3 people and with early detection there are better ways to fight.  I think everyone should think about this and I will push all my loved ones, and friends to play it safe and just get a check up!  Look it didn't hurt anything, except 24 hours of starving ;)

If only I was rich, I would travel all the time!

Once again we decided to schedule a mini-vacation during the kids fall break.  We finished all the details about a month ago, so just like the cruise it was scheduled with the "What the hell, why not", mentality.  The new me is doing this a lot lately and if I keep going we could just end up broke :) This time it was DisneyWorld that we chose to escape to and what better place but the happiest place on earth!  The boys had no idea, so we set it up for my in-laws to surprise them once we got off the plane.  It was priceless!  The boys were sooooo excited and I wish like so many times before that we could bottle up those looks on their faces :)

We packed as much into the 5 days that we could and when I tell you that I fought through it, I really mean I fought through it. Anyone that has gone to Disney World knows that it is a go, go and go type of vacation.  We went from 9 in morning to midnight every night, with no down time at all.  We were averaging walking over 10+ miles a day and by the end of the night my back and feet were screaming at me.  This was the first time since my diagnosis that I have pushed myself to these physical limits and honestly it was very hard.  I will say there was no way that I was not going to fight through a lot of the new normals for me on this trip because I wanted to get the most out of it for my family.

As positive as I am about my diagnosis I have said that I do have those moments where I get those split second thoughts out of the blue.  While on this trip I did not think about anything but what we were doing next but then out of now where I would think how much I had to make this trip so spectacular because "what-if" I didn't get to do this again. Even when I was on my all-time favorite ride, Soarin, I found myself getting emotional because of those thoughts.  I even hate to write that down because I do want to live and work so hard on not living with the "what-if" mentality.  Then all of a sudden I see or hear of someones reoccurrence and it triggers off in my head that I am not out of the woods ever because my cancer isn't considered curable.....  I hate that part of cancer in general with anyone, the worrying.  It doesn't matter how strong, positive, or religious we are on a daily basis, those thoughts sometimes do come up.  However, I would definitely say those thoughts are insignificant compared to all great times we have.

We have traveled and vacationed more in the last 6 months then we ever have and I can thank my diagnosis for this.  Also when we get away, I truly get away from everything.  It is the greatest feeling in the world to just escape from reality, the everyday hustles and bustles of life.  I love it!! If we could do this all the time I think that those worries would stay tucked away where they should be.  It is always a little depressing for me to have to come back but then I think about all the reasons that we can't be full time travelers.  For our family, our friends are very important back home so we would not want to live away from them.  Also, we love our comfy home and community.  Actually our family as a whole loves spending time watching movies, eating our meals together and just being at home in general.  One of the biggest reason's we can't travel all the time of course has to do with money   I know they say you don't need money to be happy but I am a firm believer that money does make things easier in life and with it we could travel more!!!!!  It sucks having to be responsible sometimes but it is important for us our children have stability in life because growing up I was not so lucky.  I want them to grow up with their best friends, go to a great school and live in OUR family home where we make memories.  That is really the main reason why we can't travel all the time, or travel all the time yet :)

Everybody has different goals in life and we all should be living our life the way we choose to.  Our goals have changed the last 10 months.  We use to live for the future, saving, and literally dreaming of what we would do someday.  Now we live for today, making our dreams come true.  We can't do everything we want to immediately but we are going to make those dreams reality sooner than later.  We will continue to travel more and not stress about paying things off before we do it.  We will also save for the future but not every penny.  We might travel a little different when it comes to saving money on our traveling because then guess what, we can do more traveling if we do that!  Also, we want to explore, we want to explore places we have never been but look so beautiful in pictures :)  We are going to enjoy our reality as much as we can because no matter what we do there are no guarantees in this thing called life. No one knows what the future brings!  I will push through my new normal and pain because it feels so good to know that I have the ability to do that when others might not be so lucky. If only I was rich, I would travel all the time and my family and friends would be right by my side making every second count with me!

Before I got sick?

This week has been a little all over the place.  I have been very busy with everything that comes along with being a mom and wife but I am not at all complaining :)  I have been very tired though and I notice myself obsessing a bit with my eating, and little aches/pains.  I thought that the busier I was the more I would just ignore those things but when I lay my head down at night, the mind doesn't shut off that easy.  The one thing that I do notice myself saying in conversation or when talking to my friends or family is, "Before I got sick......" However tonight I am sitting here thinking about that time when I did not know I had cancer yet.  I did not have ANY symptoms at all, then all of the sudden BOOM! I always thought that if something was going to happen to me health wise that I would know because I would get sick or have some type of symptoms.  That brings me back to thinking why do I say before I got sick when I was never sick, or at least I never felt a single bit of being sick.  Fast forward 8 months since my surgery, I can tell you that I definitely have my moments where I feel sick now.  Of course I was not naive to think that I would not feel different after this huge surgery hence the name, "My New Normal".   I know that I am extremely lucky to not have had so many of the side effects that I read from the others that have had this surgery.  I do know though that I would love, I mean absolutely love to eat normal!  I never thought in all my 42 years of my life that I would say I would love to just sit down and eat all my favorite foods and eat and eat and eat.  Being someone that has struggled with weight my whole life I always knew that my problem was food and now I dream of being able to eat the same way I did before.  How ironic is that.

I have been reading a lot of different ways people treat cancer holistically with diet and supplements. These cancer survivors really believe in these alternative treatments and it sounds so incredible to hear them talk about how they were cured.  As much as I really want to believe that you can be cured from cancer with just your diet I do have that side of me that wonders why more people don't do these same treatments if it truly does cure.  There are patients that swear by drinking gallons of carrot juice a day, eating a complete plant based diet and taking a million different natural supplements.  Part of me would love to try these different alternative treatments but the other part of me is scared to death of the unknown that these treatments may have on our bodies.  First of all I can't even eat vegetables at all with my "special" diet they have me on but second of all I am terrified of anything else upsetting my belly at this point I don't even want to try it unless I know I will be OK.  I know this completely goes against my new way of living for today but when it comes to your gut, I feel like it rules your whole body.  Maybe someday :)

Well for now I will keep doing my "New Normal" and hopefully in time it will improve along with all my little aches and pains. My complaints are so minimal compared to others, I do know how extremely lucky I am :) So until then I am going to keep moving forward with my busy life that I love.  I am going to stop saying the, "Before I got sick", phrase though so if anyone hears me say that I give you full permission to remind me that I wasn't sick :)

I hope I can help somebody with my Story.

It's been a crazy last 30 days.  Half my month was in the stupid hospital and the other half was recovering from said hospital stay.  I remember when I was in the hospital I kept thinking I have to be better before October 6th.  Even if they ended up operating, I HAD to be able to get to October 6th. This date for me was a day that I was scared to death about but still excited at the same time.  It was kinda like how you feel on your first day of a new job, or the way I felt when I delivered my babies.  October 6th to me was the day that I promised myself I would do as I laid in the hospital after my big surgery.  I had no idea back in February how this was all going to play out but I had a very deep conversation with "My" Nurse ( I say that because she ended up being so much more to me)  about moving forward from this life altering event.  I spoke to her about how I wanted to help other people that were going through this same surgery before or after and pay it forward like some had done for me.  I feel like I have to point out that this surgery that I had "Cytroreduction and HIPEC" is coined the mother of all surgeries for a reason.  For instance mine was 9 separate surgical procedures combined with a concentrated, heated chemotherapy bath in the abdomen once all the cancer was removed.  I told my nurse that it didn't matter to me what someone's diagnosis was, we were all in the same boat having this crazy big surgery which is something exceptional.  She told me that she knew I would do just that.  Fast forward to July when my doctors office called and asked me to be a speaker at the HIPEC symposium that they were having in October.  Without hesitation I said yes I would love to!  I hung up and immediately thought OMG what did I just get myself into but then at the same time I thought I have to do this for so many reasons.  Leading up to this last month, I had my mind set on speaking so when I got sick I was praying that everything would work out because I needed to do this speech.

Last week I started working on what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, and even taking long baths so I could practice to myself in peace.  Days leading up to the actual conference I sat down and spoke to my husband about what I wanted to speak about.  I had spoken to my surgeon who just told me to tell my story, diagnosis, surgery, after care and anything else.  I even spoke to one of my dearest friends and she sent me videos to reference of other patients that spoke at different symposiums.  I decided right then that I didn't really want to get too technical about what exactly transpired during the surgery, or even the technical parts of what they removed.  Anyone that had the HIPEC or was leading up to it knew that it is a gamble on what will happen when you are operated on.  They also know how extreme this surgery is, so I think I was ok leaving that bit out.  I really wanted to touch base on the mental and physical side of the diagnosis, finding my surgeon and the post op.

October 6th came, I did not remind my family, or my friends that I was doing this. I just got up at 3:30 in the morning to get ready and go.  My husband, mother-in-law and bestie came to support me.  The first person I saw was one of my greatest friends through this experience so I gave her a big hug and she told me I would do great.  We all listened through the different speakers, learning more and more about my disease and so many others treated with the HIPEC surgery.  It was very interesting and we learned so much that we did not know before.  Now it was my turn, I had told my family and friends that I was there and that if I did not look at them it was because I didn't want to cry.  I walked up to the podium and looked up into the almost completely full auditorium and the first people I looked at was my family and friends and I knew that I was going to be ok, with no tears :)

I told my story that day to a full auditorium of medical professionals, patients, and caregivers.  I felt so good after I did that!  I walked away with survivors, doctors, nurses, and caregivers all thanking me for speaking from the heart.  I had survivors walk up to me with tears in their eyes saying how they could whole heartily relate to my experience and I was brave for doing this.  My surgeon asked me if I was trying to get him to cry, and if you knew my surgeon I think you would be surprised by that:)

October 6th, 2015 at 11:30am, I did something I would have never done before my diagnosis.  I put away all my fear and talked about myself.  Go figure :)  I would do this again and again.  I did this for myself in so many ways but I really did this hoping that I could help somebody with my story!

I consider myself Lucky :)

I have written about this before, but I do consider myself blessed beyond belief.  I look at what I have been through this last year, or even what I have gone through in life and I have always been a big believer that every situation could be worse.  I have been told more times than I can tell you how nice it is to see me stay so positive and smile even with what has been going on.  My response is and always will be, I don't have a choice in what I am going through so I need to make the best of it and it could always be worse.

Let's face it, I know some people will argue with me that there are ways to fight cancer, or even ways to prevent cancer.  For some cancers there is ways for prevention but for most, it is simply the luck of the draw.  It is nothing I ate, nothing I could eat different now, nothing I did to my body, It's not that I didn't pray enough, nothing I could do different in the future, and simply IT IS WHAT IT IS.  I cannot live my life every day wondering what I could have done different because I couldn't do anything about it.  When I do have those moments of weakness or sadness I immediately try to turn that off (sometimes it takes a little bit :) and switch gears to why I am so lucky and blessed even through it all.

There are so many examples I could give you on why I am so lucky, but I will just name a few:  I am so lucky that my cancer was found at a point that I had options to treat it and was able to go through the surgery with a successful outcome of removing all visible cancer.  Do you have any idea how many people cannot even have their cancer removed and have to live on maintenance chemo for the rest of their life just hoping that it will keep the cancer stable.  I am so lucky!!!!   What about how lucky I am to have such a huge support system in my life, with my family and friends.  My last stay at the hospital was very hard on me but my husband and father were by my side the whole time.  I was never alone.  The lady next to my room, had to have been around 70 years old and never had a single person visit her the whole 6 days that I was there.  She was all by herself and would scream out for people to help her because of her pain.  I cannot even imagine being sick, alone and at a hospital with no loved ones to be there for support.  I wanted so bad to just go sit by her and hold her hand so she knew someone was there for her just like I had people there holding my hand always!  I am so lucky!!!!!

I run into people every day that have daily complaints about what is going on in their life or even around them.  For instance there is someone at work that complains every day about something usually work related. Yesterday the complaints were about another employee that he thought did not deserve to work there because he is better than that employee.  I simply sit there with a smile from ear to ear and let him complain away about what ever he feels is necessary.  When it is all done, I say "You need to consider yourself lucky and not spend anytime on the small stuff you are stressing out about".  I know he thinks I'm crazy but I do mean that with all my heart.  When you gripe about work, stop yourself and consider yourself lucky that you have a job.  If work does not make you happy, it's time to find something different that does.  I know changes are hard, believe me when I say I KNOW!  However if you need to make necessary changes in life to be happy, no matter how hard these are, you must do it!  I have made several changes in life to make sure that I am living my life to the fullest and for my happiness, and these were very difficult changes. One example: my first marriage.... By doing that I met my soul mate and the last 17 years have been the best years of my life, I AM SO LUCKY!!!!!    My point of all this is when things seem so stressful, ridiculous, not fair and even depressing, remember that there is always something or someone that has it worse than you and you too are so lucky no matter what the situation is.  I am going to keep smiling, and staying positive!! I am going to live my life considering myself one of the lucky ones, no matter where this road takes me and I challenge you all to do the same exact thing!!!!!

Just when I was getting comfortable.....

On Labor Day we went out on the boat after a very hectic, busy week.  I was not feeling too good that morning but I just thought it was a stomach ache.  It was weird though, because for the most part I felt like I was back to normal, or as normal as I could be ;)  I remember taking pictures of the kids and my husband  and then all the sudden telling him that we needed to go back in because the pain was becoming unbearable.  As I lay on the floor of the boat, my youngest was rubbing my back and kept asking if I was going to be ok.  To be honest I had no idea if I was going to be ok but I would smile at him and tell him of course.  We pulled into the dock and all I kept thinking about was getting the boat cleaned up and closed so we could go home.  The pain was so bad at this point it would take my breath away so I knew I had to go into the emergency room.

Once we got to the hospital I told Eric that he was going to have to explain my situation to everyone because I couldn't talk, nor did I feel like educating everyone today.  The nurse asked me right away if I wanted some pain medicine but NO not me, I'm tough and I could work through that pain.  Then another attack came and my husband told them to give me pain medicine pronto.  Thank god!!!  After some tests they determined that I had a bowel obstruction.  The funny thing about that was after my surgery that was always my biggest fear.  I never thought it would come on all the sudden the way that it did but I can tell you that the pain was the worse pain I have ever felt in my life, it even beats natural childbirth by a million.......   These obstructions can come from two different things, recurrence of the cancer or adhesions from the surgeries.  They felt confident that mine was from adhesions but you know my mind starting racing, for obvious reasons.  The only thing they could do is rest my belly... no food, drinks or anything by mouth.  Also, the dreaded NG tube had to be reinserted to keep my belly dry during this rest.  The general surgeon said that he could give me 72 hours to see what happens but after that we would need to operate.  I just could not imagine getting operated on again, it was too soon and this surgery would be a big one also!  I remember my belly starting to wake up and the hospital immediately took tube out, put me on liquid diet and made sure I was good before they discharged me 24 hours after I started eating again.  It all happened quick but I thought maybe that is how it all worked.  Looking back, the general surgeon did tell me that I was doing better so he was going to discharge me because they needed my bed..... True story!!!

Went home and did ok the 1st day but still couldn't eat or drink much.  Within 24 hours I became deathly ill, not keeping anything down, couldn't get out of bed and now it had been 7 days with nothing in my belly.  We made the choice to go directly to my surgeon in Illinois and thank god we did.  When I got there they said I was in such bad shape that my heart could have stopped.  My dehydration was off the charts, all my veins where collapsed , they couldn't get me hydrated quick enough.  It took over 24 hours of them just pumping fluids into me non stop, along with the happy NG tube that I had to have put back in (2 in one week was terrible).  I put on my fighting gear like I have had to do in the past and went into beast mode to get myself better.  My poor husband and children:  I hate seeing them so worried about me.  My husband will just do what it takes to take care of everyone without asking for any help from others. The food that was delivered from many of our friends did help!!   My youngest son cried a lot, was unable to focus at school and spent a lot of time talking to the counselor because he is so worried.  My oldest son goes on with his days but makes sure every night he tells me I look beautiful even with that ugly thing in my nose.  My daughter is very busy with her junior year of college and being a student athlete so she takes as much time out as she can. I received so many supportive texts and messages from my friends and loved ones that I felt the power behind them to get better.

Things did start to turn around but It took another 6 days in the hospital.  Two weeks total was a long time to just abruptly interfere with our lives.  Once again it gave me direct insight on how quickly things can change in life and how scary these things can be.  I am happy to be back home and trying to get back to some kind of normal, but I have been living in fear since I have been released because I do not want to go through that again.  I am still on a liquid diet and very scared to change that.  I know it will get better in time and this is just one more hurdle I have to fight myself on.  As comfortable I was starting to feel with getting back to some normalcy in our life, this is like starting all over for me.  Does anyone know what it is like to fight with yourself to stay positive?  It wears me out but I am going to keep fighting to get back to a somewhat more comfortable place.

The real hero's are the Caregiver's

It has been a a couple of weeks since I have updated my blog due to my extended vacation in the hospital :(  Today marks my 11th day in a hospital give or take 24-48 hours when they sent me home and thought I was getting better.  I want to complain about not eating any food in 11 days but this is also the 11th day of being away from my boys, which trumps anything else I am feeling.  As I sit here in my room I notice other family members and friends visiting other patients on the floor.  The looks on some of their faces reminds me instantly that no matter what I am going through my heart breaks for my husband.  He has been by my side through my illness and with this new road block he is once again having to carry this heavy stress of taking care of me and our children.  Let me give you an example of a day in my husbands life....  Cancels all work to drive me to our Illinois hospital because I am so dehydrated that it is dangerous.  He holds my hand and rubs my back as they have to put a new NG tube down my nose all while he has a tissue wiping away my tears. Rubs my back as I throw up.  Sits at my bedside to be at my beckon call along with the nurses questions and answers because I am to weak to speak and the tube hurts to much.  Doesn't eat anything because he is so stressed out about me that he cannot even think about food.  Has to arrange for a close family friend to get the boys off school bus because he doesn't want to leave me alone just yet.  Helps me wash up and get settled before he has to kiss me goodbye to drive 1 1/2 home to get the boys homework done.  Then he has to do his coach duties and go hold practice for the soccer team.  Now it is 8pm and a drive thru is going to be dinner of choice because he simply has run out of time.  The whole time he is worried about me, texting and calling me to make sure I am ok.  He puts his phone by his ear so if I call in the middle of the night he can get the call and he stresses to call him no matter what time.  The next day he gets up, gets boys up fed, lunches made and drives them to school to just turn around and hit the highway for the 1 1/2 drive back to me and repeat the same schedule over the next day.   I am simply amazed by this man!  I have told several people before that no matter how I suffer as the patient the real hero is the caregiver and that is 100% truth.  If you have someone you know that has been in the caregiver position currently or in the past give them a hug for me!  Sympathize for them because that has to be one of the hardest jobs on this planet to care for your loved ones as they are suffering or in pain while watching it all unfold at the same time.  My dad has traveled up to spend time with me in the hospital to try to help my husband as much as possible.  I am so lucky to have so many people as cheerleaders to get me better and I have no way to every be able to repay them for this.  The one thing I want to do is make sure that everyone knows that they are the real hero's!

Wisdom does come with age

This must be the week for reflecting back on what I thought I knew then... but really know now.  It all started with something I read that went something like in 20 years you will not remember the things you did do but the things you did not do.  Now go back 20 years and think of how you would have taken that same exact sentence.  I know we all have said this before but what would have happened if we knew then what we know now?  I can tell you personally my life would have been a lot different.  My old self was a quitter when it came to hard situations.  I would rather have walked away from a troubled relationship or a uncomfortable conversation that needed to happen.  However today that would never happen, I would fight for those relationships and as much as I didn't want the conversation to happen I would put my fears aside and just do it.  That goes along with anything associated with my children.  I have GREAT kids!  I have said it before but I mean they are all so good, loving, compassionate toward others and smart.  That is why I get so upset when I hear of other kids doing or saying bad things to my kids.  There have been situations over the years that I have done my absolute best in doing the politically correct stance when it came to telling my kids to ignore them or telling them that we don't know what is going on with them at home so maybe that is an excuse for their actions.  I gotta tell you that is not me today.  No one knows how much time we have here  and I need to teach my kids everything I know, whats right and wrong, how to treat people and also how to handle these uncomfortable situations.

There was a situation at a public place a couple of weeks ago where my youngest was pushed down by a kid that was 3 years older than him as I watched the whole thing.  I composed myself and thought if that was my child I would want to know that he is picking on someone else.  So I went up to the boy and told him that I was the boys mother that he just shoved down and would like to know where his mother is.  Now this is crazy because I would have never done that before but times are different.  The boy did not want to show me where his mom was so it never did get resolved but the point of this story is actions have reactions.  I would never let anything happen to my kids and I now I won't be able to stop it but I want them to know it is OK to confront it because I would want the same thing if the roles were reversed.  I have to teach them these life lessons as we go along because god forbid something happened I don't want to think about the things I did not do while I was here.  I can't forget about the million questions that they ask on a daily basis, why do people smoke, have you ever smoked marijuana, have you ever stolen, why do people rob banks..... Those are always fun to answer ;)

Then there was this situation where simple words hurt more than actual pushing or shoving.  My son told me how this boy would stand behind him every day and whisper in his ear how he was stupid and no body liked him because he was a nerd.  My son said he would try to ignore it but obviously was hard to ignore and brought him to tears.  That was a hard one because I wanted to march right into the school and cause a stink about him being bullied but my son did not want that because he didn't want it to cause more problems.  So I reassured my son that this kid must be jealous of him and that is why he would say such horrible things.  I also told him that he was going to have to find a way to stay completely clear of this boy because I could stay quiet for a little bit but it was my job to stand up for my son and I would do that if I had to.  Over time he did just what I said and there were no problems with him anymore.

 Now comes the hard lesson to teach, heartbreak.  How do you teach this to your children?..... My daughter has suffered from a broken heart before and the hardest part for me is to keep her strong through it.  I reinforce that she deserves better, she is too young to be tied down and she has all the time in the world to meet her dream guy.  Looking back 20 years ago, if someone was there to tell me that I would not have listened to a bit of it so I don't know why I expect my daughter to.  So instead I am going to be there for her if she needs to vent, cry or just scream and most importantly be there for her and at the same time let her try to figure out on her own how to get over a broken heart.  This is one of the hardest parts of being a parent for me, how do I see my kids hurt?  This is going back to the mean kid, sometimes just showing my kids my actions of being strong and not being afraid will help them get through some of these heartbreaks (hopefully).  It also may take them awhile to get it but at least I feel like what I am showing them now will carry with them someday.  I have so much to teach my kids so I need to use my time to make sure my husband and I continue to raise them into the superstars they are!  I don't plan on going anywhere but I am realistic when it comes to the fact that no ones time is guaranteed while we are here so every second is so important.  My cancer has lit so many fires under my butt that I do wish I had done in the sooner, but I am doing it now and I hope if there is one thing my kids do take away from my fight is to fight for those relationships, be strong always and do not fear those conversations that have to happen to get resolved.  I am still gaining wisdom as I grow older but I am passing on every bit I have today.

This Birthday was different from the rest :)

The week started out with my anxiety level in full gear.  No sleep, my mind racing continuously and doing everything I could to keep as busy as possible.  Then Wednesday came; my day was going to filled with appointments.  I left the house at 5 am to get to the hospital for my 7am appointment.  When I get nervous I tend to talk alot, well really I tend to talk alot normally so when I'm nervous I could sound like an auctioneer at times.  The nice man that has done my MRI's before told me that my last MRI was 2 1/2 hours but this one he was going to get me in and out in a hour.  If you have ever had a closed MRI you totally understand that a 2 1/2 hour MRI deep in the tube of the machine was a bit overwhelming so I was over the moon excited that it was now cut in over half.  After that my next appointment was with the hematologist.  This was my first time with her because the doctor I saw locally was a basket case and I needed to talk to someone that knew what they were doing.  She explained that I in fact do not have leukemia like the other doctor said but that she could almost guarantee my problem was my iron level, so more blood needed to be taken.  I left her office and walked across the hall to my awesome surgeon who always greets me with a big smile and joke of some sort.  He excused himself to read my results and as he came in so did my hematologist and almost simultaneously they gave me good news.  The blood clot I had in my portal vein after surgery was gone and I can stop taking my blood thinner, yay!!! The blood test came back that I was extremely anemic with very, very low iron levels probably from the surgery and my spleen being removed so I have to take Iron supplements to try to get that back up ( I can live with that).  The biggest news of all was no tumors or mucin was seen on the MRI which means I got a clear scan!  All that worrying up to that point just washed away in a split second and I was over the moon happy.  It had been 9 hours of test, doctors, more test and then results to get those words but I will do that every 3 months to hear the same results.

Now I can travel to see my family for the weekend and celebrate my birthday.  I was going to go visit them no matter what but I am sooo happy that I got to go with a clear head :) I don't know if I have been so excited to celebrate a birthday ever.  If you would have asked me a year ago how excited I would be to turn 42 I would have looked at you like you were joking.  Present day I would have told you a different story about my birthday.  I was celebrating the fact that I just got a 6 month clear scan.  I was celebrating the fact that my blood clot was gone.  I was celebrating that I got to see my best friend which always makes me so happy.   I was celebrating that my husband is right by my side to celebrate with me as always. I was celebrating that I got to see my family who I do not get to see often enough.  I was celebrating the fact that I feel so good physically and mentally I would have never thought I would after my surgery 6 months prior.  I was celebrating that I have so many people around me that love me and that I love.  I was celebrating that I was turning 42 because that means I am alive!!!  I had a birthday weekend like I have never had before and anyone that was around me could tell you that I do not think I stopped smiling, dancing, laughing, and singing the whole weekend.  This Birthday meant something else to me that I never really got excited about in the past, it meant that I was lucky enough to be here and to celebrate getting older.  It was different from all the others but I bet next year will be just as awesome :)

It's that time again :(

I have been fighting with my mind lately because my next scan is coming up next week.  It is so hard, I wish I could even explain what goes through my crazy head.  The worse is my time alone with just myself.  When I am alone, I am my worse enemy by far. That is definitely when I cannot get it out of my mind. I think about my the what if's, the future and that leads to very nasty dreams.  The dreams keep me from sleeping so that is not helping the issue at all!  My husband will tell you that I have always been a very emotionally needy person and I do not argue with that.  I am not materialistic by any means but I am the worse when it comes to the emotional side.  Since my diagnosis my husband has taken on more of my emotional needs then ever before, it's a heavy load he has been handling and he needs a vacation at this point :)  The other day he told me that he cannot even keep up with me.  I went from not wanting to do much to wanting to do everything and all of the time.  He said we still have to work and we have other obligations but there is a reason that I am like this now.  I don't want to miss out on anything, I don't want to stop enjoying every second we have, I don't want to stop making memories and the biggest one is I don't want to have that alone time because my mind will automatically turn to those ugly thoughts.  This week has been the hardest for me since my diagnosis because he is out of town most of week.  I still have the kids and I still am trying to keep busy but then nighttime comes which leads to that nasty dreamland.  I believe that I have taken this disease on with as much positivity as one person can but the downfall is when my scan is nearing I get scared. I go into anxiety mode where I don't want to go to the doctors, I don't want to go into that closed MRI for 2 straight hours, and I don't want to wait for results because that is the absolute worse!  So as you can see then I get pissed and I have to find a way to turn it around.  When my husband is here, he saves me but when he is gone (like now) I have to save myself from these thoughts.  So I am going to have to find a way to get through these times by myself because my husband cannot be attached to my hip all the time ;)  I need to find a way to not let myself get so scared every time I have another scan because they are going to be every 3 months for a couple of years and I don't want to waste anytime worrying.  I do think it is good that I want to stay busy all the time, I wasted to much time in the past not smelling the roses ;)  I do need to give my husband a little space as much as I love being so close to him ALL the time ;)  Most of all at night before I go to bed and after I say my prayers I am going to think of something beautiful, like the sunset, or the beaches we visited this summer, or my children's faces.  By doing this I will not be closing my eyes with my last thought having to do with my fears.  It's that time again and I will have to do it for the rest of my life so I have to just learn new ways of coping through it, and I will....Another new normal

That song reminds me of....

I've tried many different methods since my diagnosis to simply relax and escape my mind for a moment.  I also had a lot of trouble sleeping right after my diagnosis. My doctor suggested meditation as a way to deal with the anxiety that was keeping me from relaxing and sleeping. I did try it and I am sure if I was a little further past my diagnosis it would have helped, but I could not shut down my mind long enough to even mediate for a second.  Then I decided it would be good for me to work and when I say work, I mean work a lot to try to zone out my situation.  That was ok for a little bit, but then I just got upset that I was working all the time.  Some would say silence would be good for me, a long bath, shopping, or even just sleeping.  Sounds good in theory but none of these worked for me.

 I was on the way to work one morning, listening to music on my phone and I caught myself strictly focused on nothing but the music I was listening to.  Every song that I have on my phone tells a story to me: where I was when it came out, who it reminds me of or just the words bring up memories of the past.  This was the first time that I was able to smile and reminisce of old times.  It's funny when you think about what music means to some people. Maybe some don't put much thought into it but I did at that moment.  I can remember how my sisters and I thought for sure that we were going to be the next JJFAD as we would each rap our designated part to "Supersonic" back in the late 80's.  I remember laying in bed during my mom and dads get togethers in the early 80's and hearing the stereo scream through the house "Superfreak" by Rick James.  My dad had a huge vinyl collection that I can still remember what the album covers looked like because I wanted so much to have my own collection.  I would make a goal of recording songs on my cassette tapes and rewinding back and forth until I memorized all of Diana Ross's songs.  My grandparents always would play music through their house and my grandpa sounded just like Perry Como, I can still remember him singing through the house and my grandma just smiling :)  I laugh about my Violent Femmes stage, I still dance like a maniac when I hear "Blister in the Sun"!  I could listen to Bizarre Love Triangle every single day and I recently learned that my best friend loves it as much as I do. Music played a big part of my young years, that's when certain songs would remind you of who you were dating at the time or where you were when it was on, like the skating rink.  Then I can't forget our pastime of cruising the strip and seeing who had the best stereo system with the most bass in the trunk of their cars :) Wow, I laugh just thinking about Rob Bass blaring out of my yellow 1974 Vega :)

 Of course my husband and I have our song that we danced to at our wedding "I could not ask for more", the perfect song for how I feel about him then and now.  I laugh thinking of the song that reminds me the most of when I met my husband, all I will say is that it is by  Nine Inch Nails ;)  My kids will tell you that I really do think I can sing. I sing and dance with them all the time.  I have even made up personal songs for them that they still can sing along as they grow older.  Life is about making memories :) Then there are those songs that don't make me laugh but bring tears to my eyes.  I can't even listen to some songs that bring back such bad memories like the song that was playing at my grandma's funeral, and now added to that list is the song that blowing up the radio on the way to almost every doctors appointment after my diagnosis.  Instead I choose to listen to the music that makes me smile, the music that makes me sing as long as I can and the songs that make me dance like a wild child.  I was looking for something to take my worries away for awhile, my own personal mediation and it was all loaded on my phone the whole time.

 I saw a quote today by a unknown artist  that really says it all, "MUSIC, speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul".  I am so grateful for music in my life helping me through good times and bad.  Next time you are having a bad day, or just need to escape for awhile turn on some of your music memories and I can guarantee an instant smile.

Do you believe in signs?

My whole life I have a been a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason.  I know sometimes it does not make sense why things happen the way they do, but I am that person that says there has to be a reason.  So much in my life has made me a believer in this saying.  The way I grew up, although not the best situation, made me the strong, independent person I am today.   The losses in my life, although heartbreaking and devastating, looking back are because on earth they were suffering and now they are at peace.  Marrying so young and that marriage failing only led me to be at that bar (nice...), on that night and to chase down the man of my dreams to make sure he had my number :)  I could go on and on about why I think there are signs in life but when I was diagnosed I started looking back into the timeline of my cancer being found and then I knew they were all signs.  Starting with turning 40, I firmly believed that everyone that said 40 is the new 30 was full of crap.  I hated turning 40, I was in the worse shape of my life, tired all the time and did not want to even be seen in public.  When I turned 41 I finally made a doctors appointment, for me that is a big deal because I just don't go to the doctor.  I walked into the office and told my Doc that the 40's suck and I can't keep going through this month after month.  He told me whoever told me that they were fun has been lying to me so he gave me some suggestions to help me through this lifestyle change.  I immediately said sign me up, when can we get this done.  That is not usually my way of doing anything that is related medically, I would stay clear of even going to the doctor because I just knew they would find something wrong but this time was different.  I came home and told my husband about the out-patient operation and he reminded me that he was on a job that weekend.  After checking around everyone was going to be out of town that weekend, my daughter, my in laws and my husband.  They all wanted me to post-pone the surgery but I said "no way, I will be fine and the boys are old enough to be able to do some things by themselves."  I knew in my heart I had to have this operation.  When I went in that day and the doctor told me what he found I immediately thought that is why I pushed so hard do this.  When I started to research it myself, even before we got the actual diagnosis, I knew what I had and thank God I decided to do this elective surgery that everyone was saying to just put off!! Since my cancer is so easily misdiagnosed it could have been years to find it. Aubrey Hepburn passed from my exact cancer but they found hers too late.  Her sons now say that they think she had symptoms 20+ years prior to her actual diagnosis.  My surgery had more of a reason than I even ever would have imagined.  The next thing that happened was we were in open enrollment for our health insurance.  We are self-employed, so we are self insured and it is very expensive. Like many health care policies, it wasn't great coverage.  Thank god I had the option to chose another policy and go from a HMO to a PPO plan. That option gave me the flexibility to go anywhere for health care where the HMO was going to keep me in my area with no specialists.  This all happened 2 days before my actual diagnosis.  How does that happen!! How do I get a choice to choose a better policy just 2 days before my diagnosis.....How lucky could we be?  The day I had to sit in my doctors office and get the actual diagnosis was the one of the hardest days of my life.  Even though I knew what it was going to be my heart sunk to the floor and I couldn't stop crying and apologizing the whole time for crying ( I have no idea why ).  My husband held my hand the whole time as my doctor and him discussed what do moving forward.  My husband decided he was on a mission to find me the best of the best to take care of this, but before that he wanted me to have my favorite meal, all the way in another town 40 minutes away.  When he got out of his car at the restaurant he looked on the ground to find 4 brand new shiny pennies.  He immediately sent me a picture and said this has to be a sign. Those actual pennies have been with us in his pocket to every single doctors appointments, surgery, and hospital stay.  Sounds weird right, they're just pennies but it has to mean something.  Recently my daughter and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant (yuck) and she was talking to me about me growing old and what would I want her to do to take care of me to make me comfortable, such as moving in with her etc.  It was actually a deep conversation about growing old and death which is strange coming from a 20 year old but she was curious so I answered every question she had. I do think when you have any type of cancer you don't think that far in advance.  I then opened up my fortune cookie and it said "You are going to have a very comfortable old age"...... Again, how does that happen.

These type of signs have been happening to me my whole life.  They send chills down my spine but I know that everything happens for a reason.  I know some are not believers but I do think the reason that I feel this way is because I am always trying to find a positive in every situation.  I think that by looking at all these situations in life as a blessing, or that everything happens for a reason that it pushes me to always think about the good in every situation.  I know it sounds strange to some but I am very happy that I was diagnosed when I was.  It has helped me realize what life is all about and to live it with all that I have.  How lucky we are to have this chance in life to find the positives in everything that we do.  There are signs all around us.... all the time :)

What path will I choose now for my career.....

Those that know me know that I have always worked.  I have always earned my own money even from a young age, I would give away my nights, weekends, and summers to babysit.  I was forced to grow up way before my time, so when it came to responsibility, I was always wise before my years (I guess you could say)  I moved out of my house while I was still in high school to try to escape the disfunction.  I worked full time as an assistant manager of a shoe store and went to high school full time to get my diploma.  I never really knew what I wanted to do when I grew up except be a mom, so that's what I did. I was married young and had my daughter right away.  I invested my time in my daughter and helping my ex-husband find his career job a firefighter.  That left me working to help support the family, but not doing anything I enjoyed.  I am a hard worker though since I started so early and no matter what I did, I put my all into it.  Years went by and life changed for me quite a bit.  My grandmother was the only woman role model I had growing up and she was my everything. She also provided me with a sense of normalcy in my life.  She passed very unexpectedly and that caused major depression which did end up leading to the demise of my first marriage.  Being young, with a young child I felt a bit lost on what to do with myself.  It wasn't like I was not use to supporting myself but now I had another person that was my sole responsibility.  I jumped into another career which I was terrified of: a loan officer for a mortgage company.   I met my husband while going through this life transition and he was my biggest cheerleader helping me along the way while I got started.  This was huge for me because not only did I get paid a very good salary I also got paid a lot of commission on the loans I produced. I loved helping people and that helped me become very successful, making very good money, earning awesome vacations and being recognized in the top 10% loan officers in the company out of over 2000 employees.  That did not come without sacrifice though: Very long hours and lots of stress.  After my boys were born I decided to cut back and take a big pay cut to become a loan processor.  It was much better hours, still great pay but not all stress that would steal time from my family.  I still did not know if this is what I wanted to do with my life but I was content just having a great job and still working like I had for my whole life.  The kids were getting older and I had been thinking about finally investing in myself to do something for my long term career.  My husband would tell me all the time to just quit work and go to school, or stay at home with the kids.  I just don't have it in me not to work so I did quit my job but took another job with more flexibility so I could go to school.  It took me 5 years of working full time and going to school year round, but I finally earned my bachelor degree in Social Work with a minor in Psychology.  I decided that I wanted to work with children but specifically children that grew up the way I did: with unhealthy environments, substance abuse and domestic violence.  I wish I had someone that could've been there for me growing up, even just to talk to, that understood what it was like. Being a social worker would give me an opportunity to be that person for someone else. I can tell you that it was very challenging, working, raising a family and going to school but once again with the help (I mean lot's of help) from my wonderful husband I graduated when I was 40 years old!  With many smiles and tears of happiness I decided my next move would be to earn my masters in Social work so that I could move forward with my dream.  I knew that I was not going to make a lot of money, I had been there and done that, I wanted a more meaningful career, one that would make me feel like I was doing something in this world.  Now we come to the present day.  I was all ready to start my degree at IUPUI school of social work but my life has changed once again.  After my diagnosis I had to invest my time in making sure that I was going to survive this beast. That mission became my full time job.  I went back to work 5 weeks after my surgery because it helped me mentally heal. I now have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do next.  I could go back to school and invest all that time into my masters but that would take time away from what is most important: my family. So I have decided that I probably won't be making that move to further my education. Instead, I will use my education that I have already earned and start volunteering at some local agencies that offered me work after I graduated.  I think I will start working with children like I had planned to do, but do it as a volunteer until I find the exact place that I am suppose to be.  It is crazy to think I will be 42 in a few weeks and I am still trying to find my path. Even so, I have been awakened in a whole new way with my diagnosis and I know my heart WILL lead me in the right direction :)

How my cancer has changed my children.

When we found out I had cancer we immediately started thinking how we were going to tell our children.  My daughter was just turning 20 and she was watching the boys the day I got the actual diagnosis.  When I walked in the door and saw her face I could not hold back my tears.  The thoughts that were going through my head were crazy, I really thought I had to explain to her how I was going to pass away from this.  As I was explaining the scenario to my daughter or at least what we thought was going to happen, she managed to keep it together as she and my husband told me that we were going to get through this.  She is not really a girl of many words unless she feels like it :) She did post a picture of the two of us on social media and to me this was her reaching out to her friends to explain that she was going to need some shoulders to lean on. She was not going to show me this because she decided that she needed to help me be strong.  After we went through telling our daughter we then tried to figure out how to tell our boys.  They are 12 and 9 and as different as the sun and moon.  Our 12 year old is the most loving, caring, sensitive boy and he also worries a lot more than most kids his age should.  Our 9 year old is spunky, outgoing, social, and has a hard time showing others that he has this sensitive side because somehow that would take away from his coolness ;)  It was only 2 weeks before Christmas so we did decide we would get through the holidays and then figure out what to tell the boys.  It was hard at times though because I was still in my melt down stage, and could not control my tears whether it was at the store, at church, or just watching TV.   They would ask me what was wrong and I would just tell them nothing.

 After the holidays passed we found out what my treatment was going to be we knew that we had to tell them something because it was going to knock me off my feet for a little bit.  We decided to tell the boys that I was having my appendix removed and it was a big surgery so they at least knew that something was going to be happening.  We did this because they only associate cancer with death and we did not want to scare them too much.  After the surgery and during the recovery we still did not tell them much because we wanted as much consistency as possible when it came to the boys.  It has been over time that I have started to notice some changes with my children and this has all been since I was diagnosed.  We recently went on a long vacation and I personally stepped way out of my comfort zone to explore and do things I have never done before.  The looks on my kids faces were priceless as they would smile ear to ear as they saw me dive into this new normal view on life.  My youngest would say, "Mom it was so cool that you did....."  My oldest son would just come up and hug me so tight, and my daughter would just encourage me to keep trying these different things.

  There are quite a few situations of my children changing since I was diagnosed that I will just note a few.  My daughter and I were having a day together and she tells me out of the blue how she wants to not miss anything in life.  She wants to go to the football games at school, or do those school activities because they will never happen again as she gets older.  She wants to experience things that she would make excuses before to not do.  As she was explaining this to me I could only think that is how I think now after 42 years but it only happened after I got diagnosed with cancer.  I was so happy that she has realized this now and not later in life like myself.  She will say she is not a introvert if you asked her but she is, and when she tells me she is going to make sure she doesn't miss these opportunities I could only cry inside with happiness.

 I have had a few situations where I have been sick or not felt good since my surgery. I try not to let the boys know but the other day I was running a small fever(which Is a big deal because my immune system is so low, especially with no spleen) and my youngest immediately got really upset and told me he doesn't want me to go to the hospital anymore.  He asked if he could lay with me and then he took my temperature every 5 minutes to make sure I was OK.  The look of concern on his face was like I have never seen before and I hated that he had to worry about me like this!  If someone says something about cancer he immediately pipes in with how happy he is I had my "period" surgery so they could find my cancer and remove it.  We never explained this to him he just picked it up over time.  My oldest son has been giving up time with his friends a lot lately.  At first I didn't really understand why he would not want to do the sleep overs or the hanging out but then I heard him tell his best friend that he just wanted to spend time with his family.  Looking back he is staying very close to me lately, whether it is just holding my hand or coming up and hugging me and telling me I am beautiful for no reason. He is and always has been that loving boy but now he wants to make sure I feel this love every day.  I would love to say that cancer has changed my children for the better with all these different situations but only time will tell.  I can only tell you that every day I see a different way that my diagnosis has changed their lives and so far it has only shown me how they are opening their eyes to this new normal way their mom has to live and they are right by my side :)

An escape from reality

We just got home from a 12 day unbelievable vacation.  In the past when we went on vacation I know we always had fun and made memories but this time was very different, for me especially.  I found myself wanting to absorb every second and to try as many things as possible, especially those I have never tried before. I went snorkeling, swam with the fishes, did water slides and even danced on a bar!! I wanted to make sure everyone had a great time and I especially wanted to see the smile on my kids faces.  Looking back on vacations we have taken in the past, I realized how much I missed out on because I was scared or just plain boring.  This vacation was different for me and had a much different meaning.  I did not think much about what was going on at home or what was going to be going on when we got home.  I did not think much about the money we were spending or even how much things cost (which you know that is not me at all :) I did not worry about what I ate or how much weight I was going to gain, lol!!!  I also did not think much about my disease or what it has done to me up to this point.  I did find myself tearing up sometimes when I saw the rainbow over St. Thomas as we were pulling into port, or the sunrise in the morning on the beach or the excitement on my kids faces as they told me how much fun they were having.  The little things make me so happy:)  There was only one time that I found myself fall off the positive wagon and that was when Eric told me that he wanted to book another trip like this one in the future.  I told him that I was scared to book to far in advance because I did not know what the future held but he quickly reminded me that I cannot think that way because we were going to plan our future and nothing was going to stand in our way.  I know that I need to keep those thoughts out of my head but the reality is that sometimes, no matter what moment I am in, those demons do creep up on me.  I just have to knock them down and keep on keeping on :)  After our cruise we went to see my sisters.  It was a great way to end a great vacation and although I was very sad to leave them I knew that I had to go back to reality.  Even though I am not on some Caribbean island somewhere, I am still going to do things that in the past I was too intimidated to do.  I am still going to make memories with my kids with everything that we do.  I am still going to tear up when I see something as beautiful as the sunset or hearing my kids laugh.  I am not going to worry about the future and I am definitely not going to let it stop me from living!  Whenever I want I am going to escape from reality, even if it is just when my mind takes me back to these beautiful times and this beautiful vacation.

The Do's and Dont's of communicating with a cancer survivor..

Life has been going on as normal and for the most part I am doing very good not focusing on what I have been through the last 6 months.  I do tend to push myself a little to hard and then I feel it later.  My best friend told me recently that I went from 0 to 100 on being busy all the time.  I explained that it has been very good for me to constantly do something so that my head does not have time to rest on this ugly thing.  She is smart though, because she said she knew my answer before I even gave it to her :) One thing I can't stop doing is thinking of different situations. I can say one thing that I am more aware of now (because I am not numb anymore ) is sometimes what people say to me about my diagnosis. Example, the doctor that was going to do a upper GI scope came in before my procedure and says, "Pseudomyxoma, I just love saying that"....... I was already given my meds so my MIL stepped in and said that "She doesn't love saying it."  This is coming from a medical professional, he probably should take some lessons on what not to say.  I know people don't know what to say and I have been in their situation and also not known what to say so I completely understand but I am a hugger so I just hug and tell them I have been thinking of them.  Of course this is a touchy subject to many because sometimes you open your mouth and things just come out but sickness and death is one that you gotta be very, very careful with not letting the wrong things come out.  So I have thought of a few things that might help put perspective on what not to really say to someone that is fighting cancer.  First, never tell them that you knew someone, friend, or loved one that lost their battle with cancer, or at least please don't start the conversation with that.  The biggest thing to remember is that as a cancer patient we all want to FIGHT to beat our evil cancer, so when you bring up death right off the bat, it deflates our fight just a little.  I was 12 days out of my big surgery and someone came up to me and started the conversation with, "You look great, I just lost my uncle to cancer".  I understand she was grieving and how sad it must be but I am trying to control my depression, not add to it.  Maybe another time it would not have been so hard to hear but it really took me back a little.  Second It's OK and most have no problem at all speaking of our journey, treatment, diagnosis, etc.  However, don't ask us what the prognosis is or statistics of survival.  That is something that we will share if we want to.  In my case, with my cancer being so rare, I have no idea what my survival statistics are because there has not been enough studies on the treatment.   I do know that there are 10 year studies and when I tell you that I have 80% chance of this not recurring that is good news!  I told someone exactly that and they looked at me and said that's not good, you are too young.  I just smiled but I was thinking why would you say that's not good?.....You have to look at the good side of things not the bad.  Third, saying something is better than not saying anything at all.  I know sometimes words are hard to find but there are so many little things that can replace words and still show how much you care.  After my diagnosis all the support I received was overwhelming.  Some sent cards, well wishes, and prayers.  Others would offer help in any way possible but others went mute.  It is completely fine not even bringing up the subject or asking questions but "I'm thinking of you", "it's so great to see you", or even a hug would replace any words a million times over.  It means the world to me to just to know that people care and believe me when I say it adds to my strength in every way.  Fourth, I don't know why I thought that me being diagnosed would change everyones view on living life but I did.  I really in my head thought that people I know and were close to would be awakened on living life to its fullest, always letting people know how much they care, and being happy.  I still am having a hard time coming to the conclusion that just because I view things different does not mean that others will automatically do the same.  Looking back I was just as guilty thinking that nothing was going to happen to me, and sometimes sweating the small stuff.  Now I ask you PLEASE do not take a single second for granted, please tell your loved ones you love them all the time, please do not think you have tomorrow to do something you should have done today, PLEASE don't assume someone knows how you feel, and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not sweat the small stuff.  Lastly I thank everyone for saying how good I look since my surgery, but I want to remind everyone that you can look good on the outside and still be healing on the inside.  Not only am I still healing internally from this massive surgery but I am healing mentally on a daily basis.  I fight with myself every day to not get caught up in the what if's or the scary future but on the outside you would never know.  As positive and happy as someone may seem on the outside, they may be fighting themselves on the inside.  I go non-stop from the time I get up to the time I go to bed just to not waste a single second but when my head hits the pillow I have to really stop myself from going to that scary ledge.  I thank everyone that checks in on me with a call or text because that is what I and others fighting these diseases need the most.  Support in any shape or form is by far something that has kept me going and I still need through this journey.  When all else fails a smile or hug is always a winner :)